After reading this post that mass sitting on the ground next to you may be my guts as that is what I am doing with this post, spilling my guts.
My emotions have been all over the map this week. A lot of it has to do with being housebound for three days and feeling trapped. That lead to some soul searching about how I really do feel trapped with the care giving of Mom and being Mom’s main force in her life. I really don’t want to deal with the winter elements any more. If I didn’t have the responsibility of Mom I’d be in California. What is a little rain compared to sheets of ice, freezing cold, snow, and dreams of being somewhere else. I did talk to Mom about it and she said she would be willing to move to California as did the caregiver we like whom has a sister in the LA area. So I am going to start looking at the LA Times web page, make plans to go to LA after tax season to look at homes, apartments, etc. Next winter I really want to be out of here.
It is also very hard being single during the holidays. Probably the hardest time of the year not to have someone to share your life with. At the family get togethers you feel like a fifth wheel. It also doesn’t help when the relatives start asking when you are going to settle down. "Why can't a nice man like you find someone?" "Why are you single, a woman would be so lucky to have you." My standard answer is that I’ve settled down a long time ago and I do hope to settle down with someone when the higher ups see fit to put someone in my life.
It really has been a crummy ten days with computer crashes, flat tires, broken phone lines, my favorite pod cast calling it quits and a call from my sister saying they were snowed in, in Utah and just wouldn’t be able to make it for Christmas. She sounded so depressed and disappointed it depressed me.
However, things sometimes change. Got a call from Sis this morning and they were on the way here. There was a break in the winter weather and they hopped right in their car and took off towards here. They will go as far as Boise tonight and come the rest of the way tomorrow. Sis’s call brought me out of the doldrums and I am hopeful that it is the start of a turn around for me, for mom, for the pod casters, for everyone. After her call even the weather took a turn for the better, just rain and I can actually walk to my mailbox instead of skating there!
Do you ever feel trapped? How do you handle that feeling? Do you ever have weeks when you feel like things just aren't right with your world? What do you do to change that feeling?
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18 comments:
Oh yes, I have felt trapped. The only way to get through is to get through. Try and make changes and look forward. My sadness comes from the fact that my daughter is an only child. We have tried and tried for another child and have had four miscarriages. It breaks my heart that she will be an only. In addition, I would love to have another child to love. But, I am so grateful for her and you play the cards you are dealt. I hope you have a Merry Christmas!
Hi Kim.. nice to meet you. YOu're so right, you do have to play the cards you are dealt. In my best Dr. Phil voice... it is what it is. You'll see (some years down the road) this was meant to be.
Bill... Hi cell mate :) wow.. a move to CA!! I know that had to be a major decision to make. But with your Mom and her caregiver open to it... sounds like it's doable! I do hope you're feeling better today. It's hard to pull out of those days where the gloomy just seems to breed.
LadyDR. HI!! I came across an instructional list for a line dance to Red High Heels.. so I copied it to Word. Let me know if you're interested!
(((((Theraputic hugs to all)))))
So sorry you're having a bad week, Bill. I hope it continues to ease up now that your sis is on her way.
Trapped? I feel trapped all the time, actually. How do I deal with it? Not sure I do. I take one day at a time, and the worst part is that I feel sort of immobilized, and find it hard to do the things I should do and even some things I might want to do.
As to moving to LA, I think I'd give you the same advice I gave to my mom. Try it out for a while before you commit. LA is awfully crowded these days, and the freeways are S L O W, due only to too many cars all the time, so it's kind of a chore to run around to do things the way we (I) used to. OTOH, this is the time to get a bargain in a house. But nobody should live here without experiencing a summer, unless they can afford to live at the beach. Most of us who live here think we'd be happier in Northern CA or Portland or Seattle. Is that true? I have no idea.
Kim, so sorry about your miscarriages. That has to be so hard! But being an only isn't so bad, really. I was an only and so is my daughter, and I don't think either of us ever thought about it much. You don't miss what you never had, or so says some kind of wisdom or other. Does that help? Probably not.
Hi Kim
My sister, the one coming from Utah, had four miscarriages also. In one case the baby lived for a minute then died. It was the same day of the car accident that I so frequently talked about. Sis had one healthy child, daughter Lisa. Lisa shone as an only child. I don't think she ever thought about not having a sister or brother.
I do know, however, from going through the miscarriages with my sister (we are very close) how traumatic those times were for her.
You are right you do play the cards you are dealt but maybe they take these decks back and give us some new ones!
Bill
Hu Kaye
Hope you are recovering from the fall and don't hurt as much as you did.
Mom has always loved Califorina. She never really wanted to move from there.
I'm doing a little better today but am sure Saturday when I win the lottery I will be doing even better!
Hugs back.
Bill
Hi Pat
I knew you were one that would feel trapped as you situation is a little like mine. Taking it one day at a time is really best since the hardest part for us it that it seems like there is no end in sight. I also hesitate to do things that I should and want to do. We may be twins.
The LA thing would be a winter thing. We would try to find a place in a self-contained community where there wasn't a lot of traveling required and where mom could use Ride Connections.
If you want to live here and I want to live there maybe we can switch moms and homes!
Bill
Yes, Bill, like and Pat, I feel trapped, but hesitate to admit it, because... because. I find myself writing about it a lot in my MPs. Then I try to tell myself why I'm NOT trapped, which works for a day or three. Then, schedules have to rearranged or work interrupted or -- y'all know how it goes. And I think the big "trap" feeling is not feeling we can plan anything spontaneous or that we can't get away. The RV sits on its pad, begging to go somewhere, but Mom's not well enough to do anything right now and there's no way I could take off for several days, let alone a week. Feels like I'm in a rut -- as a friend said, on a treadmill to nowhere? Now, that's extreme, but I've been down a couple days with the local bug and that's when I start thinking, as you did while housebound. I have a regular routine and it includes the pool and line dance, but it's... always the same? Is that what you're feeling? And are you going to feel the same, now that you're working.
I'm so glad that Sis managed to break free from the snow and is on her way. That'll make Christmas much nicer for all of you. Having spent my share of Christmases on my own, I hear you about the holidays. That's when I was greatful for opportunities to work with the Masons and GG and others, anything not to be alone while everyone was out celebrating in pairs for the month or so leading up to Christmas and New Years.
Kim, you're right. The only way to get through is to get through, altho it sure seems hard sometimes. I'm so sorry about your miscarriages. Still, I know several onlies who've been quite happy -- although that doesn't change the sorrow you feel -- and, as you say, you have your daughter and she's a special blessing.
Kaye - are you also housebound with weather? What's this Bill mentioned about a fall? "What is, is" sounds like the Tao... observe, accept, don't judge, don't force. Now, if I could just absorb and live that! Instructions for Red High Heels? Don't think my instructor has those. Bill can give you my email, if you want to send. (Now, I'll have to find the music! (g)) Have you had any luck finding a LD class?
Pat, I hadn't realized you shared the trapped feeling. Immobilized is a good word. You keep asking yourself how to change it and everytime you come up with an answer, it seems to hit a brick wall because you can't leave where you are for any period of time? Are we all on the same wave length, to some extent? Gee, if we all lived in the same town, we could take turns caring for parents and taking breaks!
Gosh, Bill, after reading your comment about "no end in sight," maybe we could go for triplets?
Hi DR
I think it actually helps to admit what you are feeling, trapped or not. Schedules not only change but the constant pressure of having that worry of something is going to happen to your elderly parent. They often forget things like medicine, what they need from the store and then there is the pressure of having to be their memory.
A treadmill to no where is a perfect description.
Yes I am feeling that it is always the same, that is why the comedy class was such a wonderful diversion.
OK triplets and maybe a foursome because I get the feeling that Dona may be there with us.
Bill
I'm sorry you're having such a tough time of it. I think the weather does have more effect on us than is credited. But the holiday season is also about family, not just that one special loved one. And family isn't necessarily the papa bear, mama bear, baby bear model. Your family sounds wonderful and I wish you all happy holidays.
Hello to Kim. I'm sorry that you've gone through so much. But I just want to say that as an only child, it isn't so bad. I think the worst was when I was 9 or 10 and realised that unlike all my friends, I had no brothers or sisters. They teased me a lot for being different, but my mum turned that into a learning experience that is wasn't wrong to be different. And as an only child, I had a lot more privileges and my parents could afford to send me to college. It would have been different if the family was bigger.
Hi Snug
Thanks for such a supportive message and you are right I do have a very good family. I'm looking forward to going to Christmas Eve service this year to give thanks for what I do have.
This is the worse stretch of weather that we have had since 1977which was the year I moved hear from California. Looks like bookends since I am seriously getting out of here!
Happy holidays to you too!
Bill
HI LadyDR. No, not housebound by weather, but because of my fall. So, here's the embarrising part.
Tuesday morning after my shower, I had my left foot out of the tub and the right foot in, my right hand on a handle bar, swished my right foot a bit as the sudsy water was draining a little slow, and when I put weight back on my right foot, it kinda sorta slipped forward. I learned very quickly that I'm not fond of bouncing off of bathtubs! I'm very lucky as Im' only bruised (left arm, hip, hand) and sore and that I didn't hit my head or break anything. So, I stayed home Tuesday as I was a bit shaken up by the event. Wednesday I stayed home bacause the soreness really kicked in! I'm much better today. The bruises are getting more colorful tho!
LD instructions to Red High Heels is on the way!
Snug
Thank you for posting such a nice supportive message to Kim. I am surprised at how many onlys post here.
Bill
Hi Kaye
No more falling. That is a blog rule here.
We've all fallen in the shower at one time or another so don't be embarraed by being normal.
Bill
I feel I should join this group. I too felt trapped and have no family. Am an only child, wasn't raised by my parents, never knew my grandparents, have never had cousins and am single! Being an only child is really hard and gets harder as you get older. Geez, talk about holidays being tough. I too understand. I've been following this blog but never posted. 2009 has got to be better and I agree with Bill, I'm not going to be here another snowy winter again. It's too hard to be house-bound for that long.
Wow Hello there red whwistle and welcome to the blog. When I do the update on Saturday I will intorduce you to everyone. This is a really great supportive group. We love making new friends.
You are in Sherwood too? I wonder if our paths have crossed. I live in the neighborhood right behind Safeway, off of Borchers. Go to Safeway, Starbucks, Walgreens almost daily. Mom and I go to Rose's a lot. I usually put her in a wheelchair when we go to Rose's or Shari's so she doesn't have to walk to far.
I know it must be hard to be alone. Now you are part of our blog family.
Thanks for posting and again when I do the update Saturday I will introduce you and you will see some very welcoming women!
Bill
Hi Bill.I didn't mean to go on and on about being an only child, etc. It's just that many people complain about their families, siblings, etc. and they have no idea what the alternative is like - i.e. no family, etc. and they should be grateful, that's all. I'm certainly not looking for sympathy as I have survived and thrived. I don't live in Sherwood but live at the opposite end of town and I'm sure we've never crossed paths although we have a lot in common. I see you're from California, as I am. I didn't want to move here either, just like your mother. I love movies, theatre, music, writing, etc. Sounds like you have quite the entourage of ladies in your group....hmmm. I would think you'd be able to find your one and only through them - no? Best to you and your group in 2009. redwhistle.
Hi there red
I didn't take it as you going on about being an old child. Nor did I take it as you looking for sympathy.
I lived in California for several years but I'm mostly an Oregonian, high school and college. Before moving to Oregon I was born in Billings and then our family lived in Pocatello, Idaho.
Mom would still be in California if she could. She didn't want to move up here. My dad did, he wanted to be closer to my brother.
I'm realling missing California now and I hadn't for a long time. Just seems like a better place now.
I went to a movie tonight. Gran Torino. I also have season tickets to the Broadway Rose Theater in Tigard. Great plays there. Are you writing a novel? Or are poems your preference?
Most of the entourage of ladies here are married or out of my age group. Most probably wouldn't have me! They are really really nice women. Many I've known for years.
I hope we all have a great 2009!
Bill
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