Since I have lived here in my townhouse I have had several neighbors. All were married, most moved because the wife became pregnant. My third neighbor were Mark and his wife. They appeared to be really happy. Walked a lot holding hands. Spent a lot of time with their children. Went to all of their children's events. Mark was a great guy. He was the type of guy that would help anyone at anytime. All the neighbors loved him. He was always doing something for me. Once he saw that one of my tires was a little low, when I went out to pick up the morning paper there he was using an air compressor filing my tire with air. That was Mark. Mark and his wife moved about four years ago into a house in the next neighborhood over. I would still see him and wife walking through our neighborhood. I hadn't seen him for a long time until last night. I ran into him at the Shell station near my house. Him and his wife were divorcing. They are the last couple that I thought would ever get a divorce. Of course I haven't heard his wife's side of the story but according to Mark, his wife came home one day said she wasn't happy and told him had to move out. She apparently is having an affair with an attorney at work. Now they are involved in a couple of nasty battles, including a custody battle. Mark was devastated. I was shocked. If what I viewed as one of the happiest couples I've ever met can divorce, is a truly happy marriage really possible?
Then of course yesterday there was the Letterman story. He admitted to having sex with employees of CBS. He is married. The only reason he came clean is because he was being extorted. He received a letter saying come up with a couple of million bucks or the public will know of your dark side. He went to the authorities. He came clean rather than to pay the million bucks. When he told there story on his show the audience often laughed. Personally, I don't see what so funny about a man cheating on his wife.
Continuing on with the cheating theme. There was an article about Senator John Ensign-R from Nevada in this morning's paper. He was helping his top aide and personal friend find a job in Nevada. It came out in June that Senator Ensign was having an affair with his friend's wife. There is just so much wrong with this picture. Unfaithful to two people, his friend and his wife. That blows.
As someone who has waited so long to find the right woman these stories bother me greatly because I don't think I would ever have an affair. I would just treasure the moments I had with the woman I chose to share my life with. These stories do bring up several questions for me. Do you think the above three stories are the exception to the rule or do these scenarios happen frequently? What does it take to make a good marriage? What makes married people stray?
TODAY'S TRIVIA:
Yesterday's answer: LETITIA CHRISTIAN TYLER
WHO AM I?
I was born out of the United States in the late 1700 hundreds. I did not come to the United States until four years after I married my husband. I was a career diplomat at age 27, accredited to the Netherlands. My mother was English and my father was American. My husband fancied after me when I was 19 after we met in London. We married when I was 22. I my two older sons in Massachusetts for education in 1809 when I took a two-to Russia, where my husband served as Minister. Despite the glamour of the tsar's court, I struggled with cold winters, strange customs, limited funds, and poor health; my infant daughter born in 1811 died the next year. Peace negotiations called my husband to Ghent in 1814 and then to London. To join him, I had to make a forty-day journey across war-ravaged Europe by coach in winter; roving bands of stragglers and highwaymen filled my son with "unspeakable terrors" Happily, the next two years gave her an interlude of family life in the country of her birth. When we went to Washing in 1817 my drawing room became a center for the diplomatic corps and other notables. Good music enhanced her Tuesday evenings at home, and theater parties contributed to my reputation as an outstanding hostess. Me moved in the a famous house in 1825 but the move was dimmed by the bitter politics and my her poor health. Despite hoping that I was permanently retiring to Mass in 1831 my husband took another job in Washington and we returned there. I suffered from deep depression. In 1847 my husband and I celebrated our fiftieth wedding anniversary. My husband died 1848, I died in 1852. Who Am I?
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8 comments:
In answer to your questions of the day, first, I think these scenarios happen frequently.
What does it take to make a good marriage? Oh, lots of things -- first, love. Then common interests, common values (as much as I hate that word these days), sense of humor, ability to listen as well as talk, some privacy and not being in each other's pockets all the time. Probably lots of things that escape me at the moment. And even then, sometimes marriages don't make it.
What makes married people stray? Boredom. And lots of other things. Too many variables in both questions. {s}
Just as an aside, the extortion attempt was for $2 million, and apparently even then, the blackmailer said that might or might not keep him silent. What a dummy! And good for Letterman for going to the cops. He didn't say when these transgressions occurred, and in fact he's only been married about a year, tho' he's been with the same woman for over 20 years.
Hi Pat
Last night before I went to bed they had said a million on one of the shows I watched and then after I posted this morning and was on the way to Mom's I heard the report was two million. And to me it doesn't matter if he was married to her or not, if her was with her for twenty years it is still cheating and he is a scumbag through and through. I'm also not giving him any props for going to the cops to avoid paying up. If he had done the right thing in the first place the cops wouldn't be needed. They didn't say whether the enmployees he was sleeping with were working for him or just CBS either way he was incredibly stupid to have relationships with women at work. He exposed himself and his employers to sexual harrassment lawsuits and claims.
In addition after I posted I heard that Senator Ensign's mistress tried to get eight million from him. Shoot for eight million I'd have an affair with him.
I like your recipie for a good marriage. I'm not so sure about common interests maybe a few in common but some interests of your own. The three most important things for me would be three of the ones you mentioned. Common values, humor, and the ability to listen. Not only listening but actually hearing what the other person is saying.
Bill
Bill, I didn't get a chance to respond to yesterday's question, so am doing so first... it's an incredibly difficult decision. I don't "do" pain well and suspect I'd opt for surgery, if the pain was impacting my quality of life and surgery would help me regain the ability to do what I enjoy and there were no other options.
That said, I'm thirty years younger than your mom and in pretty good health. As you know, we're facing a similar situation with my mom, only it's the knees. She shares many of the medical issues--heart, diabetes,age. Last January, she wanted to do it, then backed off when she was in AZ. Now she's talking about it again, because she's lost so much mobility, has to rely on the transport chair more and more, but I know it's a scary proposition and it's a decision only she can make. I shall hold good thoughts and pray the cortisone shots provide relief for your mom.
As to today's post... I'm a little afraid, based on observation, that these stories aren't the exception, although there are a lot of very happy marriages, thank goodness. I have no use for a spouse straying. Sit down and talk about why you're unhappy. If you're going to stray, wait until you're out of the house and the papers are filed. Dipping your pen in the company ink well is particularly stupid, IMHO.
What does it take to make a good marriage? Two people who care enough about each other that each will give 90%, if necessary. Love, yes, but equally important is liking your spouse. Shared interests as well as outside interests. I don't think living in one another's pocket is the answer, because that can lead to boredom. Shared interests allow for shared communications. Individual interests allow for variety in conversations, particularly if each of them care about the other enough to care about their intersts. Shared priorities (I like that better than values). Supporting each other's values and interests. I know zilch about ham radio, but am awestruck by some of Himself's refurbishments and can share his excitement over finding an obsolete tube or diode or whatever, at a good price. He could care less about exercise, but enjoys my stories about the aquacize class and line dance. Communication is huge for me -- being able to vent and have him listen and vice versa. Sharing dreams and schemes, be they about the house and yard or our businesses or what we want to be when we grow up. Understanding and letting the other go (he goes fishing or hunting, I go to line dance or study classes). I think it's critical that each person in a marriage be a person in their own right, capable of making themselves happy, not relying on the other to create their happiness for them. If each person knows who they are and is able to communicate that and the other person *knows and understands and supports* that, a lot of small issues get resolved, rather than growing into big issues, with all kinds of extraneous junk getting brought into the mix.
Almost 23 years ago, nobody gave Himself and I a chance, because we appeared so different. But, nobody knew the hours and hours we spent talking and exploring and comparing and disagreeing and agreeing to disagree and learning to accept (happily, not with resentment) the differences in some areas. So, all other things being important, I'd say open and honest communication is probably one of the major keys to a good marriage. If more couples really talked, rather than ignore issues, argue about non-issues, consider themselves misunderstood because they can't communicate their unhappiness, I suspect we'd have less straying and fewer divorces.
Hi DR
I would probably opt for surgery too. I've been in pain ever since I was 18 and sometimes it gets pretty bad and I know how it effects me mentally. So I am pretty sure if I was at the level of pain mom is in that I would have the surgery just because I would like the person I was with the pain. My Mom and Your, as we discussed before, are a lot a like. I suspect mom will change her mind several times. Thanks for the good thoughts and prayers.
I was kind of hoping that the affairs were just among the famous and the normal folks like us were not cheating on their spouses.
I think liking your spouse is a key and not trying to change the person you fell in love with. I always thought with different interests it would be a fun way for spouses to get to know each other. You go with me to a football game tonight, I'll go to the opera with you on Saturday night. You teach me to swim, I'll teach you to play golf. Honest communication can save a marriage, imho. Having the responsibility of making the spouse happy is just to much responsibility. I've always noticed that the best marriages involve two spouses that exist without each other. There are then on equal footing.
I'm glad you proved the doubters wrong! I hope the next 23 years are as happy as the last 23 years!
Bill
Hi Bill - hope your Mom is ok either way...any surgery no matter how small can be dangerous so I hope she thinks it through - I am sure she will.
We had a couple that lived across the street from us in L.A. who I thought had the "perfect" marriage in the early 70s. They were always so nice to each other, did things together and he showered her with attention and gifts. Took care of the kids, etc. Then they got a divorce. After that I realized what's on the outside doesn't necessarilyy mean the same is going on inside - inside their hearts, minds and behind the closed doors.
I personally think you both have to have a commitment to want to make it work and love each other. I didn't love my husband so I left after 21 years and should never have gotten married to begin with. I know now why I got married and why I stayed. It takes an awful lot for a couple to always be on the same path together and continue to love one another. I applaud all those couples who have made it work for so long because it does take work on the part of both. I do know lots of people who have had long and lengthy marriages, although they haven't always been happy but it's that commitment that has bound them together.
As far as Letterman, I guess I can say I'm not surprised. They said he was with staff members and happened before he was married...who knows and I don't care frankly. Everybody it seems has some kind of secret these days.
All the best.
I agree with what the others have said, but I think it comes down to commitment. We've been married 21 years, and I can't say all of it has been wonderful. Sometimes it's amazing, and sometimes it's pretty awful, and sometimes it's just chugging along in the boring zone. You need to have the commitment to stay, and that helps you to do the work to get back into a better place. To remember why you loved this person. People do change, and not always for the better, but if the fundamentals are there, you can always go back to that.
I would not say that my marriage is a passionate one, but I would say that he's still one of my best friends, most days, and that's good enough for me.
Hi Red
Thanks for the comments about mom, her first appointment is a week from Monday.
I think it would be really hard to make a marriage work in LA. And you are right outside appearances often aren't the same as inside ones.
Love would make you want to work hard to keep the marriage going and I think committment would come with that love.
I don't think you can be happy 100 per cent of the time in the marriage but when you aren't that is when your true commitment shows. I also think it can never be a fifty fifty thing, sometimes it is 100 nothing on one side sometimes it is 100 nothing on the other side.
Bill
Hi Mary
From the outside I see a lot of passion in your marriage, you are both passionate about your kids, for example. It looks like the three C's make for a good marriage, committment, communication and caring.
Bill
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