The answer to yesterday's Who Am I was Victoria Woodhall.
I am posting today's entry hoping to help others that may have had the same problem. This is one of the most personal blog posts I've done and it is really hard to share some of my weaknesses but if it helps someone then it is worth it.
It was my parents fiftieth anniversary. My sister was going to arrive from Utah to be part of the celebration. When she got on the plane and the doors shut she kind of went out of it. Thought she was having a heart attack. She wasn't, she was having a panic attack. I'd be lying if I didn't say I wondered why she just didn't suck it up and fly. For a while the panic attacks moved into other areas of her life. There was never any warning of when they would come on, they could happen anywhere. At home, in a grocery store, in a car or in many other areas of her life. I'm really proud of her now because she has overcome the attacks and hasn't had one in years.
Not long after my parents fiftieth anniversary my brother and I flew to Las Vegas for some rest and recreation. We had a nice time. When we got on the plane to go home and the doors on the plane closed my brother kind of flipped out. I talked him down and into staying on the plane. We made it safely home. Again I'd be lying if I didn't say I thought my brother was a little weak that day. But the truth is he was strong just by staying on the plane. To the best of my knowledge that although my brother hasn't flown since he has never had another panic attack.
Stress is like building blocks. A little stress is easy to handle. Then something else comes along and the little stress becomes just a little bigger stress. In the last seven years my Mom has had four hearts attacks and four strokes. Dad had a stroke that brought on dementia full bore. After the stroke dad ended up in the hospital maybe ten or eleven times from falls. The last fall led to Dad's death. I had a cancer scare which lead to the sale of my business. I had a heart scare. I had been to the emergency room so many times during that period of time that I was on a first name basis with the doctors and nurses. I lost a loved pet that had been faithfully at my side for seventeen years. There was a bad investment that I knew was bad but invested anyway to help a relative. The money died. We went through numerous caregivers trying to find a suitable one for dad and then Mom. The economy tanked and my retirement funds took such a gigantic hit that I had to go back to work. The stresses of everyday life didn't help. As a lot of you know caring for an elderly is very difficult and stressful. For me it just never ended, first dad and now Mom.
If you all remember there was a time when Mom tried out an assisted living center to give me a break and free me up to travel. After she was safely in the center I went on two trips. The first trip was to one of my favorite places, Ashland, Oregon. The trip was great. I took in a play, went on several walks in a nice park, and relaxed and rested. The second trip was to the town where I went to high school, Klamath Falls, Oregon. The second trip was a nightmare. Those weaknesses that I couldn't understand about my brother and sister? I found out that I had them. I can even remember the exact moment I discovered that I had those weaknesses. From Portland to get to Klamath Falls you take Interstate 5 South to a cutoff a little south of Eugene, Hwy 58, which goes to a town called Oakridge. Oakridge sits at the bottom of the Willamette Pass and it is a little over half way to K. Falls. I was driving along listening to music, kind of enjoying the drive and just as I entered Oakridge it hit me. I have never known such fear. My whole body shook. My pulse went up. I couldn't breathe. My chest was pounding. I thought I was dying. I pulled over at the McDonalds in Oakridge. Sat in the car and took a deep breath. It went away. Then I had to decide whether I should continue the trip or turn around and go home. I continued the trip. The rest of the trip I wasn't sure if I had control of the steering wheel or if some other force did. The fears kept popping back into my head. After I got to Klamath Falls I checked into the hotel and the fears went away. Until I had to take the return trip home. Then the fears started all over again. All the way home the fears would enter and leave, enter and leave. I did stop a couple of times to rest and take some deep breaths.
When I got home I started doing some research and determined what I had on the road were panic attacks. Knowing what they were didn't help. I started to have them in other areas of my life. I would have trouble at seminars or in movies. Never at home. Never at Mom's. However, I would go to a movie and about half way through the movie my heart would start racing, I'd start sweating, the fear would be out of control and I would have to leave. Went I went to seminars after a couple of hours the walls would start to close in, my heart would pound, the fears would overtake me, I couldn't breathe, and I just couldn't complete the seminars. Some days when I had a seminar I just couldn't get out the door to get to one. We have to have ten seminars in a two year period of time with a minimum of three of them in any one twelve month period of time. I always try to take five seminars every twelve months, it just seems easier. Because of the problems I was having I was only able to do the three in a twelve month period, leaving seven in the following twelve months. With my back to the wall I started trying to figure out how to heal. I read about self-hypnosis. I talked to my sister. I read books about how to overcome your fears. What finally worked for me is doing the same thing over and over again. Each time the fears came on I snapped the rubber band I was wearing on wrist and the fears went away. It also helped that some of the stresses went away. I got a job which helped me recover some of my economic losses. My sister moved up and that took away some of the stress of care giving.
Where I am at now is half way recovered and I think I am well on my way to living a full life with the panic attacks under control. I have went to at least eleven movies and didn't have a single problem. I completed seven consecutive seminars with nary a problem and am even actually looking forward future seminars. I'm still a little uncomfortable with other than short trips on the Freeways but as I extend the trips I am getting more comfortable with the trips. I have to confess that when my uncle and cousin were here I went the back roads to the airport. Next time the freeway!
There you have my gut spilling confession about something I've been dealing with for over a year. Do you have panic attacks? What are you fears? What are your suggestions? Any comments are appreciated.
About Me
- William J.
- First, I think the birth sign is wrong. 6-21, some papers say Gemini, some Cancer. Guess that means I have so many personalities that I can do group therapy alone. For those that don't know how to read Google profiles I have put what I really mean in ( ). Hot (Good looking enough to be in movies(if I buy at ticket). A body like a God (Buddha). Romantic (Thinks begging is foreplay.) Physically fit (Heart trouble. Put 911 on speed dial before we get initmate.) Good Provider (has good life insurance in case you forget to put 911 on speed dial.) Loyal (has reference letters from Mom and parole officer.) Intelligent (scored 1600 on his SATS but you have to total the scores of the four times that I took the test.) Looking for someone compatible (Be between 30 & 99 and not inflatable.)
15 comments:
Bill, I'm so sorry you're having the panic attacks. Having gone through them for over a year, with no idea what was happening, before being diagnosed with panic disorder. you have my empathy.
I was diagnosed with anxiety/ escalated panic disorder in 1995, after months of going through what I considered anything from "spells" to heart attacks. I remember a Thanksgiving (Himself was in Africa). I'd been having the attacks several times a week, which had escalated to waves of attacks, one following shortly after the previous passed. I turned down several invitations, as I never knew when a "spell" would occur - driving, at the grocery, in the middle of a Penwomen or church council meeting or a church service. I walked into a garage filled with water (broken water tank) and the attack began. I didn't call 911, just crawled into bed, figuring I was dying and wondering who would find the body and when.
Test after test revealed no reason for the racing heart and pulse, the distanced feeling (almost out of body), the queasy stomach, sweats and chills and sense of not knowing who/where I was or whether I could even walk across the room. Constant fatigue, especially after an attack or series of attacks. It was only when I insisted on seeing a neurologist, who diagnosed the disorder and sent me to a therapist who specialized in its treatment, that I learned what was going on and how to manage it.
Some people may have one or two panic attacks because of short term situations. However, cumulative stress, building over years, can lead to panic disorder and, if not dealt with, continuous panic attacks, which often send people to the ER, thinking they're having a heart attack. When you reach the point of having panic disorder or escalated PA, it's usually not a case of curing it, but managing it. The one think I learned is this is not "all in my head," but a physiological result of chemical imbalances resulting from the stress placed on our body, as well as our mind and emotions.
I still have the disorder. When I don't manage it or pay attention to stressors, anxiety and panic attacks occur. There are ways to manage it, but it often means some lifestyle changes, in those areas you can control. Been there, done that, wrote the book (which has never been published, since I have no "platform" of guaranteed sales).
Because few doctors recognize the symptoms of anxiety and/or panic disorder, people can go through years of tests, literally, with no answers, which only increases the stress. In addition, too many of us have been taught to "suck it up and deal with it, which really doesn't work that well, especially in cases of accumulated stress. It really doesn't have to be that way. While there are all kinds of chemmies you can introduce into your body to help, I've learned you can also manage the disorder without relying on three or four pills a day or more often.
This may be too long to post. I've done a great deal of research and taught classes in dealing with stress and panic disorder. I'd be willing to answer questions, if anyone has some.
Hi DR
Your post wasn't to long, quite the contrary it very informative.
I'm not having panic attacks now and haven't for a while. What I am having right now is the fear of having them if I go to places I don't feel comfortable at. Like on the Freeway. I've conquered the movies and the seminars because I think my stress level has subsided.
Doctors that don't treat both the mind and the body haven't a clue what a panic attacks are. Since the symptoms are almost the same as a heart attack that is the first place they look and when the heart tests come out fine they don't know what to do.
The feeling like you are dying is exactly how I felt when I was having them. And you are scared to call 911 because the last time you went there they told you nothing was wrong.
Cumulative stress was the killer for me. My brother's was short term. Sis's was long term, which is why I used their examples.
I am pretty sure I caught mine in time that I can cure it, like my sister did. They came out of nowhere and I am no longer having them. Now if I can get over the fear of having them. Also the fear of harming someone else if I have them while driving.
I knew you had researched a book you writing on panic attacks, a well needed book, and I love that you offered to answer questions.
So everyone readying here, here is a chance to ask a author and an very informed person on panic attacks any questions you want. She has offered to answer them and I thank you for that. So come on people ask DR some questions!
Bill
Bill (and DR, too), what a horrible thing! And how interesting, Bill, that it seems to run in your family. I wonder if there's a genetic component there somewhere. I'm at least glad to hear that you're "half way recovered", and I know DR is on top of the situation to a great extent.
I've never had a panic attack. I do think that right now I'm being attacked by galloping depression, as I find it extremely hard to get myself moving to do anything, and I have little interest in things I would otherwise be at least a little enthusiastic about. I'm going to pursue whether there's a physical component to it or if it's just circumstances and stress. If I had to add panic attacks into the mix, I think that would be the end of me. (Not literally, don't worry, I'm not even a little bit suicidal. {g})
Hi Pat
Sometimes depression can be the result of stress and stress can lead to panic attacks. I think anyone that cares for an elderly or has the responsibility for them are in situations that can't control and often see no end in sight and that causes depression for almost anyone. I'm glad you aren't suicidal and remember you can always depend on us here to help if you need us to lend an ear or offer support.
Like I told DR I'm not really having panic attacks anymore. I've made great strides but I am still at that point where I quite afraid of having them and if I have them on a freeway hurting someone else. That keeps me from living a normal life and doing things I'd like to do. I'm getting there.
Bill
Bill, I'm glad to hear your attacks seem to have passed. Do be aware that fear of having one can be conducive to one occurring. You're doing the right things, "testing" areas that seem to trigger them. Panic attacks can also be interpreted as gall bladder attacks, did you know that? Very similar symptoms sometimes, which is why it took a while for them to discover I needed my gall bladder removed.
Try doing regular relaxation breathing - breath in to the count of three and out to the count of six, telling yourself you're relaxing each area of your body, from scalp down to toes. And, the fact you walk regularly is probably making a big difference - exercise helps balance the chemicals that drive stress and adreneline (sp) (an excess of the latter causing anxiety and panic). It also helps having someone to share the caregiver responsibilities and you make it a point to get out and do things for yourself. Good job!
Pat, because anxiety and panic disorder are physicological issue, genetics DO play a part. One can have the chemical imbalances, but they don't manifest, unless circumstances, such as cumulative stress, push the right buttons.
Depression is often a natural part of anxiety and usually part of panic disorder (I was lucky in avoiding that when mine was escalated), but can be a stand-alone result of accumulated stress. However, the same things that help manage APD, help manage depression -- some lifestyle changes. At least thirty minutes of exercise a day, even if that's nothing more than a brisk walk around the neighborhood or a mall walk, rather than a commitment to a gym. (Bear in mind, until I was diagnosed,I spelled ex*rc*se* with astricks, just like d*nt*st) Forcing (for lack of a better word) yourself out of the house to do something fun -- not a book club or organizational meeting, but maybe a trip to a gallery or something else you don't normally do. Half an hour with a coloring book and crayons. Something silly, something fun, something different, a few times a week for an hour or so. "Recess" I call it. Breaking away from all the routines of stuff we "need" to do or feel we have to do and taking a bit of time to do something silly. This is where I've fallen down lately and I've been paying the price, so am (once again) turning over a new leaf and learning how to play.
Go to a toy store and buy crayons, coloring books, finger paints and paper, play dough. Go to a matinee of a kids movie or rent a kids video (I highly recommend Madelaine) and watch it. Buy wizard books or the like in the kids section of the book store or check them out of the library. Life does not have to be serious, adult, logical or educational/productive.
Bill, I totally understand the fear of having a panic attack being almost as bad as the attack itself. I've been lucky enough never to have one. My brother, for awhile, was almost debilitated by them. He couldn't go into a restaurant. For awhile, he'd come to family parties and have to go outside. His career requires flying, and for a couple of years he just could not do it.
It took him a couple of years to get it under control. First, he found a counselor who worked with him on physical things he could do. He put him on medication for it. Once my brother tried the medication and realized it actually helped, it reduced the fear tremendously, and he realized the fear of having an attack had been triggering attacks. He now carries the medicine with him at all times, but he rarely needs it. Just knowing he has it with him and it works does the trick for him.
He also started exercising regularly. He rides his bike to work every day, which equals over an hour of exercise every day, plus longer rides on the weekends. He's lost weight, feels better all over, and swears that's the biggest part of his recovery. When he was injured earlier this year and couldn't ride for six weeks, he actually had to use the medication, because the attacks came back.
I hope that you are able to figure out your own solution, and that it works. Hugs.
Hi DR
Oh, I know you are right about on about the fear of having attacks bringing them on. If I have to take a trip I've talked myself into an attack before I leave. I do think I have two things in my favor. I know what caused the original attacks, cumulative stress. I know that the feat can be conquered.
I'm stunned that panic attacks can be interpreted as gall bladder attacks. Wow is that ever information to be aware of.
I do a lot of breathing but I haven't been counting. Now I will, three in and six out.
The regular caregiver quit today. When that happened before it was just me. Now sister is here and what a relief it was to know she was here to help.
I also think spending more time writing will help with the fears.
Bill
Hi Mary
Thanks so much for contributing to this post.
You are right about the fear of having an attack being almost as bad as the attack.
Your brother's story is one that I wouldn't have understood maybe eighteen months go but boy do I understand now. His restaurants were my movies. How awful that he had to fly for his career and was kept from it for a while.
I really admire your brother for the steps he took and how well he did at getting the attacks under control.
I find it interesting how much excercising helps. I'm also losing weight.
I'm improving and I think one of the reasons is I was able to determine what happened on the second trip quickly and started trying different things to stop them.
But I will go the medicine route if I have to.
Your brother has just become my role model.
Bill
Oh, Bill, I'm sorry to hear about the caretaker, although I know she's been less than stellar. Still, both you and Pat have talked about how difficult it is to find a good caregiver, so I don't envy you beginning the search, once again.
As to breathing, we all breath (g) but, what we don't realize is that if we're stressed or anxious, our breathing becomes short and quick. Actually, most of us breath short and quick most of the time. Studies have proven those who can learn to take slower and *deeper* breaths, reduce anxiety and lower their blood pressure. Other studies have shown that if you suspect the beginnings of an anxiety or panic attack, the slow, deep breathing will often stop it, before it takes hold.
Hi DR
We found out both with dad and mom how hard it is to get half way decent caregivers which is why you put up with things you wouldn't normally put up with. I don't sis quite gets that yet and I do think sis is one the reasons the caregiver quit. She just as a way of demeaning people without knowing she is doing it.
Interesting information about the breathing and I am going to try it when driving or in other arenas where the fear of an attack comes on.
Bill
Re: the breathing. Try practicing it for ten breaths several times a day, for no good reason. Sitting at a stop light. Waiting in a grocery line. Waiting for a computer download. For one thing, it's a generally good relaxer at any time of day and good for your blood pressure. For another, your body becomes accustomed to it and as soon as you start, the chemmies begin to settle and re-balance. It's a simple trick anyone can use anywhere, whether to just generally slow down a hectic paced day or when one feels annoyance or irritation, both of which kick up the anxiety chemicals in the body.
If you would like to talk to my brother, let me know, he can give you way more specific information. You'd like each other, I know.
Email me if you'd like to talk to him, and I'll pass it along.
Hi DR
I have been trying your breathing suggestions pretty much anywhere that I wouldn't be considered crazy by doing them. And I will continue to do so.
Thanks for the help.
Bill
Hi Mary
I have absolutely no doubt that I would like your brother and at some point I may request his email to contact him.
What a great offer! Thank you so much, it is nice to have friends like you!
Bill
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