http://www.oprah.com/spirit/The-Year-of-Letting-It-Rip/1
I had a great time at the book signing. Lian's sister Monica introduced her. I met both Lian and Monica, what a pleasure. They are really fun, beautiful, and charming women. Monica's introduction was warm and funny. Lian was absolutely hilarious. She talked about Helen of Troy and a real housewife from Pasadena that "did everything right" but ended up alone and broke after a divorce from a cheating husband being the inspiration for HELEN OF PASADENA. I don't know how many people were at the signing but I'm guessing there were well over fifty. Would you believe that Lian came out before the signing and went around and individually introduced herself to everyone there? I've been to a lot of books signings and that is the first time an author took the time to do that. I really hate having my picture taken. I just don't take good pictures. However, when she asked her sister to take a picture of us with us holding the book I did something total out of character for me. I said yes. It is a great picture of her and a terrible picture of me. But the picture is a symbol of my year of saying yes. Here is the picture.
Just in two weeks my attitude has changed. I'm really looking forward to a great year!
Because it relates to my decision to start saying yes for the next twelve months the rest of today's post is about caregiving. Most of us here are or have been caregivers. It isn't a job any of us really wanted, circumstances just placed us in the position. Did you send a resume applying for the job? I don't remember sending one myself. It is very tough duty. One of the things I found out is how easy it is to lose your identity in the midst of caring for a relative. I've also noticed how even easier it is to isolate yourself while performing your duties. You quit. You quit being yourself. You quit going out. You quit being social. You quit your social connections. You quit taking care of yourself. You quit everything that doesn't involve caring for the elderly relative. That just makes an already stressful job even more stressful. Folowing is an article that has suggestions on how to avoid stress that comes from the job you didn't apply for:
http://www.cornellcares.org/pdf/handouts/shs_caregiving_stress.pdf
Notice three, four, and five on the list. Just because my Mom needs me doesn't mean I have to quit on myself. I'm starting. I'm starting to reclaim my identity. I'm starting to take care of myself. I'm starting the year of getting up, getting going, and getting out. Will you join me?
Your comments are appreciated.
PS
The answer to yesterday's Who Am I was Mary Kingsley.
Did you know that Beethoven handled the violin awkwardly and preferred playing his own compositions instead of improving his technique. His teacher called him hopeless as a composer?
6 comments:
I applaud your "say yes to everything" policy. Being so involved in my mother's care has caused me to shelter myself as you did. I say no a lot just because I can no longer drum up much interest in things. I do sometimes say yes just to be saying yes when an activity isn't all that interesting. I do it just because I think it's about time I said yes to something just to get out among 'em. And quite often in the end I do enjoy just being out and being social. Even though I know this is what happens, my inclination is still to say no thanks, and just go hang with mom and then come home and vegetate with TV or a book. Do I pursue new activities that might be fun? No.
I'm glad your book signing turned out so well, and I know you'll probably have equally good experiences with everything you say yes to. Good for you, and as Lian says, "Let 'er rip!"
Hi Pat
That is me too. So involved in my dad and then my Mom's care I sheltered myself. Even the comedy class. It got me out but I didn't do anything with it nor did I pursue friendships within the clas. I just let it die. I was to depressed to be interested in anything or anyone fun. I just made an agreement with myself I'm not doing that anymore. Maybe I drive to LA and force you to join me!
I am going to let 'er rip. It is going to be a ripping year!
Bill
The book signing sounds like a great time and Lian sounds like a warm and delightful lady. I can see where her article would motivate you to "let her rip" and I'm so glad it did.
The article on caregivers is full of good advice and reality. While I was a caregiver for only five years and Mom is now staying with my youngest sister, all the points really hit home, particularly the part about isolating yourself and concentrating on the needs and wants of the patient, ignoring your own. I found part of that was guilt driven - if I went to dinner with Himself or lunch with a friend, I "should" ask Mom to join us, rather than leave her home alone, for example. Trying to work and take care of Mom didn't seem to leave much time for anything else, although I knew I needed activity, exercise, some sort of socialization. As you and Pat point out, it's just much easier to say "no" and not have to exert any more energy than absolutely necessary in the care giving and maintaining your own home. I suspect every care giver here is experiencing some, many, all of these issues.
A word of warning: You will pay for this in two different ways, not only during care giving, but after, as I've learned since Mom moved to AZ. NOTE: In the event this is too long, it'll be two messages.
First, when all the physical, emotional and mental stresses are relieved, your body finally decides it WILL be taken care of. Within thirty days of Mom's leaving, I went through various bugs, my shoulder quit working, then my hip. I ignored them, tired of seeing doctors, and was miserable for over a year. I'm just now getting truly healthy and able to do physical things I used to take for granted and not picking up every bug in town (and, btw, I didn't pick up bugs or get sick or whatever, during the care giving years.)
Second, once you get in the habit of isolating yourself and giving all your time to care giving and saying "no," it's a very difficult habit to break. I'd given up many of my activities and lost touch with friends and it was easier to say I had to fill what should have been extra hours with catching up on client work and the like. As Lian says, you have to force yourself to say yes. Admit you need to see a doctor, make the app't, get some answers. Force yourself to renew your membership at the health club and get in the pool every lunch hour or go for a walk every day. Push yourself back to line dance and agreeing to do shows. Contact old friends or make new ones. Pick up old interests or, if that doesn't appeal, look for new ones. If you're always saying "no" as a care giver, it becomes a habit and you continue to do so when it's no longer necessary. It's taken fifteen months, but about the only thing I now say "no" to is working editorial on weekends. I'm saying "yes" to line dance and doing shows and being at the pool four days a week. "Yes" to eating out when neither of us wants to cook or clean up. "Yes," if Himself proposes a day trip on occasion. "Yes" to a massage twice a month - while that's actually PT for hip at the moment, it will be a treat in the future, once a month.
I guess what I'm saying is that care givers get in the habit of saying "no" and putting themselves last, behind the patient and then behind trying to keep family and work together. When that necessity ends, the "no" habit is so deeply ingrained, it can continue for a long time and this is Not a Good Thing. Start taking care of yourselves NOW. Start saying "yes," as Bill is doing.Not only will it improve your life now, it will make you a better care giver (she says, with 20/20 hindsight) and give you a start on the future.
Hi DR
I always like when you risks two posts because that means I hit home and my post resaonated with you and if with you others.
I've never been to a more fun book signing. Warm and delightful pretty much describes Lian last night.
Only five years? My dead friend DR that is three years longer than the national average for caring for someone.
You hit the nail on the head with quilt. You feel obligated to ask them to go everywhere with you. You either don't trust them being alone or don't want the being bored. Then when you ask them if they want to go with you and they say know then you feel you have to stay with them.
I've actually been very worried about what you bring up. Still staying home and still saying now when the caregiving duties end. I also worry about the lonely feeling that will create. Like Lian says in her article Today is as good as day as any to start saying yes. That will make it easier later.
I also wonder if you didn't suffer a lot of those bugs that came up after the cargiving while you were still caring for your Mom. You had them but you were to busy to pay any attention to them and you just coldn't get sick because your Mom needed you and you just wouldn't allow it. I've been there.
Another thing I liked about what Lian said in her article is that when she started saying yes, when people said no to her it didn't bother her like it did before.
I'm glad you have come so far since your Mom left for Arizona. The advise you have given at the end of your message is spot on.
You are now another role model for me. But then of course you always have been.
Bill
I am glad your book signing went great Bill. I saw the pic earlier on FB and thought how excited you must have been. I am also glad you are sticking to your decision of making the year a year for yourself.
I will agree with everything everyone has said here on care giving. I won't repeat it all as I am feeling just as everyone else is or has felt at some point. After 7 years I am so done. I quit on myself too. I just did a tiny something for myself that made me feel like a million bucks, and it only cost me $10 and all I can think of is what the heck I have missed for 7 years.
But then the guilt comes and I think, this is what I am supposed to do.....I did finally quit asking to take my dad out to eat with Shankster and myself. And I found it wasn't that hard to do.
Although the Shankster will always look at me and say, I know you want to grab your dad some carry out....
Hi Dona
You know it was exciting to meet her and her sister. It was even more exciting that they were so damn nice. I was sitting in the back row and I saw they coming back towards the camera and there was no place to hide. I wish the picture would have been better.
Seven years is criminal that is just to darn young for me it is at nine years and Pat has to be close to us. We deserve a life and we all know should take our chance to have it.
You have to make me a promise that you will continue to do things for yourself no matter how much it costs. In my mind that was ten bucks well spent. Sometimes for me just walking the mall is something for me. Zumba classes can be for you.
Being out alone with The Shankster enjoying alone time with each other is well deserved for both of you. Guilt feeling are not allowed. Picking up take out is, that is just thoughtful. Plus you probably would end up cooking for your dad if you didn't do the pickup. My guess is The Shankster is asking for pickup for your dad is being more thoughtful of you than your dad. He is a good dude.
Bill
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