Today is my first favorite blog day of 2009! Update Day! This is the day when you tell me anything you want to tell me about anything that is going on in your life. You can ask any questions of me or maybe you need some suggestions with how to handle the elderly relative that you caring for. The posters her are both supportive and helpful so ask away.
I've pretty much already updated my life in the previous posts. A couple of things though that I haven't mentiond. One is my annual eye appointment Thursday. Looking forward to it. My eyesight has remained the same for about ten years now and I am hopeful that it will be eleven. Wednesday the day before I am going to have lunch with an old friend and business associate that gave me a really surprise call last Tuesday night. She was the manager of a payroll service company that I referred my clients to. I never liked doing payroll so I always farmed it out. I met Lorraine when she was pregnant with her first child. She has three children now, all teenagers. We really enjoyed each other's company so we became friends. Even when they changed her territory she kept me as a client. Her husband Pat is a darn nice guy too. I am really looking forward to reconnecting with her.
As part of Update Day I am going to pass along a question that Lady Dr. emailed me. Here is her email:
"Bill, I don't know if this is a possible discussion item on the blog, but it's a question I've been dealing with for some time and I think it applies to single caregivers going out with friends, as well as married caregivers going out with spouses. How do you feel about this issue, cause it's been a pondering point for me for several months.
You have a parent who's capable of going out to eat, whether they're living at home or independent living or even assisted living in some cases. A parent who loves to get out and loves to eat out. You take him/her out for Mothers/Fathers Day, his/her birthday, date of wedding anniversary. You take him/her to lunch before/after doctor appointments or sometimes grocery shopping or just because and sometimes out to dinner. But... it comes to your birthday or your spouse's birthday or your anniversary or just the fact the two of you need a treat and you want to go alone as a couple or, if single, out with a good friend or two.
Does anyone else feel guilty about this? Leaving Mom/Dad at home/wherever, while you go out and indulge in a nice dinner? Especially when he/she raises the question, "Where are you going to celebrate" Is it easier if you're single or do you still want to celebrate with friends and take this as a break you deserve? Where the heck is the balance on this issue? "
Back to me. I'm not the best one to answer this one since most of my personal celebrations include Mom. I don't feel guilty, however, when I do things by myself, go on a date, or take a personal day. Mom has gradually become very supportive of me having a life away from her. She was extremely supportive of me taking the comeday class even though it meant one less day that I would have to do things for her.
OK, the blog is now yours. Tell me anything. Ask me Anything. Give Lady Dr. some help or support. I am looking forward to your responses.
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26 comments:
Nothing to report, as I think I've reported everything already. I'm back to work at the library's used bookstore this afternoon, which I only just barely noticed in time in my datebook. It's hard getting back to Real Life after holidays.
About the eye test, I had an adventure with my latest glasses. I thought I was fine with the old ones, but wanted a spare pair. My old Rx was outdated, so Lenscrafters insisted on a new one. Doctor's office somehow confused things and then Lenscrafters made an error in making them, so all together it took three tries, including a new eye test to get them right. But it all turned out well, as the new Rx is very slightly different and darn it, it is better.
DR, don't feel guilty! You take your mom out a lot, and you are entitled to some private time with Himself or with friends. Single/married makes no difference, IMO. We're all entitled to the social activities *we* want to engage in. I'm not saying neglect mom, of course not. But I know you, and I know you do far more than what's required already.
I'm sure it's easier for those of you, like myself, who don't live with the aging relative. You simply don't have to report everything you do. But even for those who can't escape reporting their whereabouts, you're entitled to your own time.
In case my message is ambiguous, let me repeat: DO NOT FEEL GUILTY!!!
Lady DR, would it help to think of going out from a different perspective. What is your SPOUSE entitled to? What are your FRIENDS entitled to?
I don't see your situation really as being all that different from the situation in which you have two children and one is slightly more needy than another (for whatever reason.) Even if it might be good for the needier child to have more attention, the other child has needs too and neglecting one for the other is unfair to the less needy child.
Knowing you, I am quite sure that your marriage and your friendships are not only about what others can do for you. If you can't give them time for yourself, give them some time for them.
Update, hmmm? The week started out pretty great, as did the new year. On Monday we had acquaintances, who may become friends up for dinner. S was in the guitar class I facilitated and we've remained in contact. She'd mentioned getting a new Martin (guitar) for Christmas and wanting to get rid of her "old" one (2 yrs old). For those of you who know guitars, it was a Washburn acoustic/electric. She brought it with her and I'm now the proud new owner. The purchase has gotten me back to practicing every day, which is a real plus. I've neglected my music and it's always been an important part of my life.
Got Mom out for a haircut and finally moved her from the spare room back to her regular bedroom (thank God, as it works out, since the spare room is quite cramped). Saw the dermo and he said the "spot" on my back (the internist was worried) was nothing to lose sleep over and burned it off (along with a whole lot of other "pre-cancerous" spots.
Had a quiet New Years Eve, with dinner and a DVD movie and even managed to stay up until midnight. Managed the pool three days and did line dance. Even managed some editorial time, around visits with Mom.
Friday it fell apart. Mom turned wrong late Thursday nite, heard a crunch and pain shot up and down her leg. She went to bed, hoping it would all be okay in the morning. She called Friday, as I was walking out the door and said she couldn't put any weight on the leg without getting sick to her stomach. I called the ortho and everyone was out on holiday or in surgery. We spent the afternoon in ER, as I had talked to the PT she used to see and there was concern about a fracture. No broken bones, thank goodness, but they think either torn ligament or cartlige. Confined to wheelchair, absolutely no weight on knee until we see ortho and the ER doc predicted no weight for some time and wrote a prescription to buy a wheelchair. Mom balked, so at 5:00 Friday evening, I'm frantically hunting down rental chairs. Thank God, there are angels -- one who helped me get Mom to and in the car to get to ER and one who made sure there was a rental chair at a local drugstore and I got there just before they closed. God is good.
So, yesterday was the ER and then shifting stuff in Mom's apt so she could get the chair into the bedroom and bath (Lord, how I'd love to back a truck up to her patio doors and start clearing stuff out!) Today was moving more furniture around, so she could navigate through LR and such and getting stuff out of kitchen cabinets, after clearing counters and such. (I now realize I forgot the bathroom cabinets and checking to see if all her meds were on the counter -- my mind is mush) Monday, we see the ortho and find out what's really going on.
So... good news, I had some nice moments, like dinner and the guitar and a relaxing New Years and nice New Years Day. Bad news, most of the rest of the time was with Mom and my business is going to Hades. Good news, she has no broken bones. Bad news, if the ER doc is right, she's going to be in a wheelchair for a couple months or more. Good news, in the four hours plus in the ER, I finished a child's hat for next year's Christmas drive and untangled a skein of yarn for a prayer shawl for a friend's daughter. Bad news, I messed up my back trying to get Mom on/off toilet at ER and out of car/into wheelchair by myself back at apt. Good news, this may be a wake-up call for the sibs, to whom I sent emails. Bad news, they may ignore emails, even if they read them, as I've not heard from anyone directly yet.
I'll wait to see what the ortho says, but tomorrow will be spent researching home health care. If Mom's in a chair for any period, there's no way my 110 pounds can handle her 220# for bathing and such. This may be the turning point for life as we've known it. My brother had been thinking about coming down in January. If he does, if Mom's in a wheelchair, if the Comm on Blind can get in here in the next couple weeks, we may be able to collectively convince Mom she has to make some major changes in her household, whether she stays there with healthcare or goes to assisted living, if we can figure out how to finance that. There are some tough decisions ahead in a lot of ways, depending on what we find out from the ortho and, at the end of the month, from the retina specialist. I suspect I'm going to be making most of them and ask for your prayers or vibes or whatever you believe in that will help make the right choices.
Right now, the issue of dinners out seems to be pretty silly, but I truly appreciate the feedback from Bill, Pat and Ellen. I'm realizing more and more that we've got to get some balance back in our lives and that we've been so involved with Mom that we have no social life that involves both of us, which is so differenet from where we were five years ago and before that. What is, is, but some things can be changed. It just takes some energy and effort and I think I've been a little short on those the last couple years, with my obsession about Mom and all. Time to ponder possibilities.
Bill, thanks again for giving us all a chance to vent, chat, share and support. You guys have been a godsend to me the last many months.
Sorry I've been absent again.... so have spent the last 2 days catching up! Chatty little bunch!
LadyDR... my heart and prayers go out to you. I hope your siblings "hear" what you're telling them. However, you may have to finally just start asking out-right what role they need to start taking in care of your/their Mom. Maybe make a list of some of the things they could actually do that would help you and have them pick a couple from the list? Just a thought. Special hugs to you.
And Bill... to you too :)
Kaye, thanks for the prayers. And the suggestions. Depending on what we find out Monday, I may put out some questions. OTOH, given experience of the last four years, I may just start making decisions myself and they can live with them. If they don't like them, they can come out here and take over, although they're in serious denial and have been for some time. We'll see how it plays out, after we see the ortho on Monday. In the interest of my mental health, I'ver reduced expectations to zero and judgements to the same.
You've been least in sight. I sure hope things are okay in your corner of the world (okay being relative, of course).
Best for 2009
DR, we've talked, so I won't go through all that again, except you still have all my sympathy (well, most of it, have to have a little bit left over) right now, and plenty of good wishes and vibes headed your way.
But one thing just occurred to me. Be sure your mom knows (and remembers) to lock the chair's wheels when she transfers to toilet or bed. She really does NOT want the chair rolling away as she tries to sit back down in it. I speak from experience.
Hi Pat
Wow you didn't waste anytime getting back to the library! And I agree with you it is hard to get by into real life after the holidays. All day Friday I thought it was Saturday. For a few days I had to check the paper to know what day it was.
What a nightmare with the glasses! I'm glad it worked out though and things are better. I'm going to ask for a new prescription. I really need new glasses that haven't been sat on a few times.
I agree with you re DR, she shouldn't feel guilty, if anyone feels guilty it should be her siblings.
Bill
Hi Ellen
Nobody ever gives better advise then you do. It's been that way ever since the days of the Issues Forum.
Thanks for your input re Dr.
Bill
Hi Dr
Wow what a miserable Friday. I echo what Pat said, make sure the wheelchair is locked before getting in or out of it. Spending time in the ER is probably one of the most difficult things to do. Ligament damage is sometimes worse than a break and takes longer to heal. Please let us know what the ortho says on Monday.
Sorry about your business going to Hades, I am praying that it gets better and that you get more comfortable with knowing that you deserve a life of your own.
How is your back? The siblings need someone to slap them silly until they understand what is going on with your mom.
You always have my prayers and advise. Twice a week I go to the chapel and pray for everyone here and my mom and moi and a few others.
Bill
Hi Kaye
Thanks for the hugs! While we always miss you we realize that you are busy with your mom, your business, your job, and fighting off the hunks in Austin.
Good suggestion to DR!
Bill
Hi Dr
I don't think I'd wait for the siblings approval. I do what you thought was best for your mom and your siblins be damned!
Bill
Hello Bill, been away and no time to comment but my thoughts were with all of you here.
I want to say to Ladydr that the issue with feeling guilty about going out to eat or anywhere for that matter without asking or taking my dad is my #1 problem. So I can understand the guilt you may have with that as I have had a very hard time with this. I think it is very easy for anyone else to say don't feel guilty or go ahead and live your own life, but when you are doing it/living it, it becomes very different. Or at least I think it does. My situation may be different from most as I live with my dad. So even though he has always taken care of his own breakfast/lunch....I have tried to maintain doing dinner for us all at a specific time. That took some doing as my dad and mother used to not eat dinner til way after 7pm. My husband and I usually like to make sure to eat by 5/6pm. Some days there are surely exceptions but I had to get a routine. Now comes the guilt part....when my husband and I are out sometimes its nice for use to take some alone time and eat out...then I feel the guilt coming on as if we eat we may not want to eat again upon coming home and then what is dad to eat? Do I still fix it for him? My hubby thinks not...I am not sure. I worry about it something awful. I used to tell him every time I stepped out the door to go anywhere or left notes also to what time we may be back and if I was going to be later than dinner time or if I knew I was going to eat out I would let him know and have something in the fridge for him already prepared or tell him to go eat out. But that caused a problem with the hubby....he didn't see the need for that as he feels that dad is capable of feeding himself. Which he is. But my side is that when you have done things one way for so long...out of respect I felt the need to let him know. Besides...he is my dad. So I tried it hubby's way and didn't say when I left or leave notes...but the guilt was unbelievable. Some days too the hubby will just want to go out around dinner time and eat out maybe not for a special occasion as you mentioned but just for his own piece of mind and then I feel bad and I know he doesn't want me to ask my dad out with us but there is that guilt again. What will he do? Is he thinking what a selfish child I am living there and not asking him out to eat with us? SO I am not sure what I can tell you on this other than to say I sure am with you on the guilt feelings.
I have to say I have gotten better on it recently as I just will leave a note here and there and say simply..."dad you are on your own for meals today!"
He has never left me a note so the hubby still finds it hard for me to leave him one.
And we don't ask him to eat out every time we do anymore...just once in a while and I usually don't do it at all unless the hubby suggests it. And he does probably more than he really wants to, but does it for me. So I guess the balance we have found here on that issue is that we both just do a little giving.
Hi Pat
I checked and the hybrids were elgible for a $325 tax credit in 2008, that is a credit vs. a deduction so it is dollar to dollar savings, it is like having a six grand deducton. The credit expired 12-31-08 but I anticipate it being renewed if it hasn't been already.
Bill
Hi Dona
We always miss you when you are gone but we know you have a life away from us!
I've been caregiving since 2001 and for years I felt guilty even if I went to a movie by myself. But after seven years and being exhausted and need relief I got a little selfish and started going and doing things by myself. My mom survived and I got better.
I do agree with you that it is easier said then done, but you reach the point that the light at the end of the tunnel is a train you are forced to do things to avoid that train.
Eating at 7 or later, frankly, it unhealthy. I'm glad you scheduled dinner earlier.
What I do if I am out for myself and am staying at mom's is call her first and tell her that I am eating ahead of time and will bring her something from the restaurant I am eating at. She seems fine with that.
I think you and your husband are entitled to some alone time whether your dad is living with you or you are living with your dad in the home he promised you.
I think when you live with someone it is good to let them know when you will be gone and back for one reason and one reason only, so the people you are living with know you are safe.
Bill
Hi Bill,
Thanks first for, as always, the kind words from you.
I guess I was just sort of wanting to let Ladydr know that with the guilt part she is not alone.
Also, I just think its respectful to let dad know when I am gone and where and when I will return. I wish he had the same ethic.
But I don't want to give the wrong idea of my husband. He has gone above and beyond what an in-law needs to do given this situation I have put myself into for the past 6 years. I just think he got very bitter when the "promise" never materialized.
You can understand that. (Actually I smiled when you mentioned it, was a bit surprised)
And I do bring dad home the "doggie bag" occasionally...I am not that mean!
Also I re-read the posts and failed to mention one thing to Ladydr.
Martin? Washburn? OMG....Hubby would surely be a bit jealous! He is a guitarist and those styles are his some of his favorites. God Love him, he has always gave away or had to sell his guitars (when times got hard) and since being here does not have the space for one. He does have his eye on the new Gibson Dark Fire though. I hope you enjoy the new piece.
Dona, I really feel for you in your situation. It has to be much harder to be living with the elderly parent rather than being able to come and go undetected. You seem to me to be going above and beyond, so do try to keep the guilt at bay. I know it's hard, but you can always come here for reinforcement. I also salute your husband for being as supportive as he can manage in this situation. He deserves some TLC, too, if you have any left.
Perhaps you can prepare spaghetti sauce, hearty soups or stews and freeze them in individual serving sizes. Then your dad will have something to heat up for dinner no matter if you decide to go out at the last moment. I know DR prepares a "meat mix" to freeze that can be used for many different purposes with minimal preparation time. I'll let her chime in with a recipe if she's still reading this day's blog.
Thanks Pat, That sounds good to me...I will take any offers or recipes and certainly advice.
Its funny as my mother and dad had eaten frozen dinners for years. The ones where one small one was good for a meal. Although I too was raised on them, cannot hardly stand them now and I do prefer to cook from scratch. Dad, after a year of my cooking, tried to keep those in the freezer for just when I was not able to cook dinner, and finally did away with them altogether because as he put it he just couldn't get past the taste anymore!
Thanks again for the kind words...and I plan to come here as much as you all can stand me. This has helped me so much.
Wow, what a group! Bill, thank you for bringing us together.
Yes, Mom is very aware of locking the wheelchair. She was in one for 5 weeks of rehab and 2 weeks at home after the heart surgery. Plus, she had to lock the walker, when she was using it to get up and down from chairs, toilets and car. Even if a nurse was pushing her at ER, Mom checked the locks on the wheels before she did anything.
And thanks for everyone's support on not feeling guilty. Dona, I don't know how you manage to maintain your sanity in your situation. I have enough problems when we slip out for dinner and don't invite Mom. (Especially, if I come home to a message from her, saying, "Oh, I guess you've gone out to eat.") I can't imagine how it would be if she were living with us. I remind myself that when Himself's daughter and family were living with us, we made it a point to go out and eat along at least once a week, in the interest of our sanity. However, d-i-l was perfectly capable of fixing a meal and had her family there. I'm thinking about promoting the idea of the four women who are friendly all getting together once a week or even once a month for a potluck, since they can all cook. It's the cooking for one and eating alone they don't like. And Himself is very good about including Mom but, sometimes, he just wants us to have time alone, when I don't have to cook. I'll be happy to send you the meat mix recipe Pat mentioned, unless there are others here who want it posted and there's room to do that on the blog. And, btw, I agree with Bill that eating at 7:00 isn't healthy, although sometimes we slip to that hour. When Homself had the heart attack and needed to lose some weight and watch cholesterol, the cardio told us that anything eaten after 6:00 pm wasn't digested the same, because the body is slowing down for the day, so it went directly to fat that wasn't burned, upping the calorie affect and the cholesterol accumulation.
Bill, the problem with the business is that between Mom's sinus infection, not recovering from that, additional doc app'ts and now this, I've not had time to spend on client projects, which means I'm waaaay behind and not sure how far their patience may stretch. Add to that the November project became much more involved than initially propsoed. Something, somewhere, is going to have to give. I'm hoping I can get the inhouse clients to give me a month's grace period and I can get it together in that period and decide where to go. I've been here before with Mom crises and survived, so I'm sure it will all work out eventually. Hopefully. The back is a bit better - an hour in the therapy pool, doing my workout seems to have helped. I just have to cast my mind back to the techniques I used after she had her heart attack. I can get her in and out of the car, because she can put a lot of weight on the door or body, but it's clear we're going to need help in other areas and I'm just going to find it, hire it and, if necessary, send the other kids their share of the bill.
Thanks again, to all of you!
Hi Dona
I'd like your husband because he is doing what a man is supposed to do, sticking up and watching out and supporting his wife. I'd also be bitter about changing my entire life based on a promise that wasn't kept.
We all have guilt feelings but sometimes I think those guilt feelings keep us in a situation long past the time we should back off or change things.
You don't have a mean bone in your body!
Bill
Hi Dr
This is a great group! I really have become fond of all of you. Everyone is just so supportive here. I really haven't brought anyone together though, they have come here and rewarded me. The support you all show each other is what keeps them here and has brought them together.
I like the idea of pot luck!
Post the recipe here DR, we may all benefit by it!
Most clients are patient if you are honest with them about what is going on. They all have moms and dads or most of them probably do.
Thank you for posting and offering suggestions of questions!
Bill
First, the Mom report, then I'll post the recipe, maybe separately, so not everyone has to wade through the Mom stuff.
Saw the ortho. While I generally like him, I was unimpressed with today's 10 minute visit. He says there's nothing torn, because Mom has NO cartlige to tear. He said get rid fo the wheel chair and go back to the walker. HOWEVER, he didn't have her try to stand or try to walk. So, off we go. AT the apartment, she tried the walker. Okay, she can use it, IF she leans both arms over the walker arms, so there's not weight on her knees, but it still hurts. Last time she did this, before the gel injections, she ended up crippling her shoulders, arms, lower back and hip. We're keeping the chair until Friday and will decide further then. Also, he said it appears the gel injections aren't working. He'll see her in 5 weeks, but doubts there's any point in continuing them. Which leaves us where, I ask? No answer. Wheelchairbound, I'm thinking, despite my attempts to be positve. IMHO, today gained us nothing. We have an evaluation with Com on Blind at 11:30 AM tomorrow, see ENT at 2:15, then I'm hoping Mom and I can chat about caregivers, bathing, two bad knees, options. I'm still thinking a caregiver at least twice a week is the best bet, but I have to "sell" the idea.
On the upside, she is admitting to pain, some restrictions and may be open to suggestions of a regular caregiver to do some of the things I can't do, either physically or because of time considerations. Good vibes would be appreciated.
Magic Meat Mix (only because it saves a lot of time and hassle) Understand this is sorta "vague" because it's my own concoction, not all written down and I don't measure herbs. Sorry) Prep time is about an hour, at most, then you just let it cook, cool and freeze for several meals.
5# lean hamburger
1 Tbsp butter
1+ cup chopped onion (to taste)
1 cup catsup
4 Tbsp lemon juice
2 Tbsp brown sugar
1 Tbsp Worcestershire sauce
1 tsp vinegar
Basil
Oregano
Garlic Powder
Italian Seasoning
Tomato suace
Tomato paste.
Sautee chopped onions in butter. Remove onions to slow cooker or large pot. Brown hamburger (I brown in skillet, drain on paper plate in colander and add to slow cooker as each pound or so is cooked. Meat can also be browned in microwave, but I've found this actually takes more time than a skillet)
Add all the rest of the ingredients. I start with a 10 oz can of tomato sauce and a small can of tomato paste, then add sauce, paste and water as it seems necessary over a six hour period of slow cooking. (This can be done at a simmer in a large pot).
You want the mixture to be fairly thick, mildly sesasoned.
The first night, make sloppy joes, topped with shredded cheddar cheese. Freeze the rest in 1 to 2 lb containers.
To make lasagna, add a can of tomato paste and one of water, plus more garlic powder, Italian seasoning and basil. Layer cooked lasagna noodles, then a mixture of one egg, 2 cups ricotta and one cup parmeson and one cup shredded mozerrela, then meat sauce. Repeat layers. Bake at 350 for an hour.
For spaghetti, add tomato sauce and/or tomato paste and water, plus garlic powder, Italian seasoning and basil to desired consistency and taste and serve over spaghetti noodles of your choice.
For more sloppy joes, use original mixture.
This thing grows. You'll likely use all of a two pound container for a 9x13 pan of lasagna, doctored as described above. However the lasagna freezes beautifully for future meals.
For spaghetti, by the time you add the paste/sauce and get sauce consistency, you'll have almost a full one or two pound container left (depending on how many you feed) It's one of those recipes that gets better every time it's forzen, as the herbs and such mingle. Unless I make more than one pan of lasagna out of it, it usually is good for half a dozen meals or more. Can also be used to fill manicotti shells and the like, if you've the patience for that sort of thing.
It's something I've done for years, so if it's not clear or seems I've left something out, let me know.
Also, for those of you looking for meals for one or two or meals that can be made and frozen for one or two, check the website Cooking4two or Taste of Home. They have some great recipes and you can search several ways. Some of their recipes are "restricted" to subscribers, but most are not.
WOW Dr
Thanks for the recipes and the web sites, you are a jewel!
Bill
Hi Dr
What an idiotic ortho. Can you find another one? One more caring? One that would at least examine his patient before making a call?
When dad had those kind of problems they gave him cortisone shots that really eased the pain. Could that be a possibility?
Let us know what happens tomorrow too!
You have all my vibes and good thoughts!
Bill
Bill, the orth did say that if Mom's in pain in 5 weeks, we might consider cortisone, but he wasn't very psoitive about the results. He gave her cortisone a couple years ago, as I recall, bbefore there was the option of gel replacements, for the one knee, and it made no difference. The bottom line, as I've found it so far, is that orthos who find she was told to have knee replacement and refused the suggestion eight or ten years ago, aren't willing to do much now. Due to her current health considerations and age, there's nothing they can do surgically, so they just sort of shrug (orthos, internist, you name it it). If they cant' "fix it" they'd as soon ignore it -- my impresson. (Sometimes wish I could adopt the same attitude but it dones't seem to work fo rme) One of my siblings says Mom is paying for bad choices she's made. Somehow, I don't find that praticualrly comfroting. Or endearing.
Hi Dr
These doctos sound like they have to big of egos, it you don't do what I say and have replacements then I'm not going to help you with other options. Tragic.
Your sibling sounds clueless.
Bill
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