A tent, a baseball, and a horseshoe all can be pitched. Two questions today since there will be no blog entry tomorrow. What do a storm, a needle, and a potato have in common? What do Princeton University, Exxon Oil, and Frosted Flakes have in common? Two readers have asked that you not post your answers on the blog but that you email them to me at williamjdahn@aol.com. Please trust I will do nothing with your email address other than read the answer, I won’t even respond to the email unless you ask me in the body of the email to let you know if your answer is correct. I have several email addresses of posters here and I am sure they will verify that you can trust me with your email addresses.
Kenny Chesney was quoted as saying. “We were lower-middle class and everyone I knew was --- we didn't know there was anything different," says Kenny. "This is a bit of curveball, but people who are really good kissers never have anything given to them. People who can't kiss had everything given to them. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm a helluva kisser." Then I must be a helluva kisser too! Do you agree with his theory?
Most of us here have elderly parents that take up a ton of our time. Some of us to the point that we have lost our dreams and lost a lot of our lives. The thought occurred to me that one day we will wake up and they will be gone. That begs the question, what are you doing to adjust to life without your parent when that day happens? This is what I am doing:
Distancing myself from Mom slowly. Taking more full days when I don’t go over there. Of course, I am available on call should anything happen.
Getting healthy. Walking more. Building up arm strength. Do a lot more physical activity.
Getting out more. Just going to a coffee shop and read, for example.
Dating more. Yes, I’ve been on a few dates but not with anyone I met online. I’m still hesitant to put my profile one a dating site. I’m getting really good at first dates though. Now I need to try second dates!
Making new friends.
Trying new things.
Doing a lot more freeway traveling. I live in a community where I can walk to what I need. Movies, grocery stores, restaurants, libraries, etc are all in walking distance. The longest required trip for me is Mom’s four miles away with no freeway involved. I’m a really, really good driver according to people that ride with me. I just haven’t driven the freeway for a while. I figure once I get familiar again with the freeway I’ll be more comfortable traveling. This morning got up early and hit the freeway. Purposely took a route over and under overpasses etc. The seminar that I am going to tomorrow, I purposely scheduled in another city to get more freeway driving in.
Here are the questions for today and tomorrow. Do you agree with Kenny Chesney’s theory on kissing? What are you doing to adjust to the day that you wake up, your parent is gone, and you have all that time on your hands? What do Princeton University, Exxon Oil, and Frosted Flakes have in common? What do a storm, a sewing needle, and a potato have in common?
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11 comments:
Wowser
You put two questions out there that you think are hard and the newest poster nails them within seconds!
Bill
Let me be the first to assure any new posters that Bill is absolutely honorable and will never, ever use anyone's email for a nefarious purpose. I've known him for years and will absolutely vouch for him.
I got the answers, too, I think, but apparently somebody beat me to it. I'm glad the contest isn't about who gets up and computing early in the morning.
I must be a really great kisser if the theory is true, so I guess I'll vote that it is. [g]
Interesting idea about preparing for the day when your elderly parent is no longer consuming time. I haven't made any plans, but I've thought about it some. Not much, because my mom may very well outlive me at the rate she's going. I'll figure out what to do when/if the time ever comes. I've thought most about how I'll feel about it. It's hard to say. At the risk of sounding callous, in a way, I'll be relieved, because her life is not one I'd want, nor, probably, would she if she was able to think about it. And I'll be sad, and very likely at a loss for a while. I'll worry about what to do after I get my feet under me again. Mostly, I just hope that when the end comes, it's quick, painless and non-lingering.
Hi Pat
Thanks for the great reference!
Rest assured when the real contest starts you will all have the same amount of time to answer the questions, early bird won't catch the worm. Which is why I am not using the earliest entry as a tiebreaker. The only problem I am having with the contest is that everyone is getting so good at that I am fried there will be a ten way tie for first with 25 out of 25, I may change some of the questions to harder ones!
That is three votes for Kenny's theory, yours, his, and mine!
I know how I am going to feel when mom goes, will be a myraid of emotions. Relief will definitely be one of them because of the pain she is in. Confusion, guilt, and being lost will all figure in there somewhere! A also hope when the end comes it will be quickly, maybe even peacefully in her sleep or even my sleep if I go first.
Bill
First off I sent my answers via email and I suggest that anyone who wants to can and should as believe that Bill is an ok dude.
As Far as agreeing with Kenny Chesney...I am a great Kisser and I got nothing handed to me! So Yeah..I agree!
:)
I also need to say to Ladydr that I am glad all checked out ok on the ER visit. I started to panic reading all the things you have been dealing with!! Praying that you get through it all and come out on the other side feeling good about it.
And what am I going to do when I wake up and have too much time on my hands after my last parent is gone? OMG....the possibilities are just endless....
Just joking a bit there and honestly feel just as we all do and agree with Pat on the quick, painless and non-lingering part. Wow do I agree on that part and I even worry about it daily. I am even waking up suddenly to seeing him in a bad state. So I know I am worrying about it too much. I have already started some things to distance myself from dad a bit. Its hard for me as I just am not like that, I don't think I am controling but I like to be in on things, and I want to know what is going on, but hubby thought it was best to not do everything for him and tell him everything as I was doing. (after all I have hubby to pay attention to also) In a nutshell not have him be my whole life. Even though it is in a sense. But he is still running around on his own for the most part, and so I am trying to do the same for myself. And some days just tell him he is on his own for dinner. For now that is working for us.
Hi Dona
And you sent the correct answers by email! Thank you for calling me an OK dude!
Four of us so far agree with Kenny!
I know you were joking a bit but there will be endless possibilities when you have your time back.
Now stop the nightmares about your dad lingering! That is one of my blog rules now.
And I think it is a great idea to start distancing yourself from you dad. A little withdrawal at a time is so much easier than cold turkey.
Repeat after me, wanting things done the right way is not controlling!
And remember we are always here as your friend!
Bill
For any of you hesitating to send Bill your answers by email -- I can assure you he is not an ax murderer and is one of the most ethical people I know. I even trusted myself to him for the drive from Denver to -- where the heck did we go for Netstock? Bill's been a support, encouragement, consulatant and dear friend for many years now and we have met face to face, so I assure you sending him an email is perfectly safe and often beneficial!
Bill, I'm having trouble making the connection between good kissers and what's been given us (g). Guess I'm missing a paragraph, but no one's ever complained about my kisses, for what that's worth.
As to separating from elderly parents... I guess I'm the only one here looking at that as a near future possibility, without calculating death into the equation. If all goes as planned, youngest sister will take over caregiver resposibility and Mom will be on the other side of the country come fall. How do I feel? Ambivilant? On one side of the coin, it will be nice to not have the daily responsibility. On the other side, will Deb do it "right?" (Heck, no, I don't have control issues!) I know it'll leave a bit hole in my life and I am looking at ways to fill that time ususally spent on cleaning, errands, doctor app'ts and such. WIll I return to writing? Take up creative endeavors of other sorts? Get back to guitar? Take classes at FUlir again? Start in on the 1001 things that have been neglected in the past five years? I don't have an answer yet. What I do realize is that having some plans and dreams and hopes is a critical issue for the transition. Not that we want our parents to no longer be our responsibility, but that we need to realize the time WILL come, at some point and, if much of our life is defined as caregivers, we'd better be ready to look at new definitions of ourselves and our lives. While I think distancing is important, it's hard for me right now, as I'm involved up to my ears in getting Mom ready to move, so my situation doesn't quite fit the question, I think. Still, I think it's reasonable to think about what you want to do and can't do at the moment, in current circumstances. It gives you time to decide what's realistic and what's not and to at least have some options when the time comes, through whatever set of circumstances. Like everyone else, I hope the end, for Mom and for me, is fall asleep and not wake up, rather than have any lingering type of situation, as Daddy and Walt had. Bill, I think your approach is a good one.
Pat, I agree with what you said about feeling sad, but at the same time relieved. There's nothing wrong, IMHO, with wishing our parents were comfortable and out of pain and not battling all the health issues that make their days less than stellar, let alone pleasant.
Dona, thanks for the good thoughts. The PA was a good wake-up call. Please share it with the Shankster. While my neglect of exercise and meditation were contributors, so were my thoughts and perceptions and reactions and my ongoing issues with Mom's moves and dealing with her allergies and so forth. You have to let go and I wasn't doing that. Trying to do better (wry s). Sounds like Hubby is recognizing what you can and cannot do for Dad. It's such a fine line to walk adn the worry.. well, it's hard to turn off, regardless of the circumstances, but I hope you can reduce it.
May we all have the patience to deal with things as they are, the ability to plan ahead with guilt and the acceptance that change is inevitable and unpredictable.
Hi Dr
I am very touched by what you wrote about me and please know I find all of your emails beneficial to me! Oh, and it was Boulder, Colorado!
I think what Chesney was getting at is people that have everything handed to them get in a habit of not practicing at little things like becoming a good kisser. Where as people that have to work to get anything practice, practice and become really good kissers! Just a guess.
Yes you are dealing with the separation of your mom but in the back of your mind she may come back. What would you do if that was no longer possible?
I hope you return to writing. And could you either post here or email the pen name you used for the romance novels you wrote?
The responsibility of getting your mom ready to move definitely has become yours and that makes the separation all the harder, imho.
Hugs, DR
Bill
Boulder. Of course! Why couldn't I remember that?
Okay, given your perception of what Chesney was saying, I have to agree. WHile I've had a lot of blessings in my life, I can't say I've ever felt I had anything "handed" to me that I didn't work for (practice?)
I'm working from the basis that Mom is going to AZ and she won't be coming back. I guess that's where the ambivelance comes from -- I have no more responsibility and I have no control. Big change from the last five years. At this point, I have to go forward wtih the idea that she'll remain in AZ and I'll be the visitor, not the local caregiver. I wonder if this is anything like the difference between the feelings of the divorcee and the widow?
Since none of my romance novels ever saw the light of day in a publisher's list, there is no pen name and no books on the shelf. By the time I finished my regencies, no one was publishing regencies. By the time I finished my two contemporaries, everyone wanted "erotica" or a great deal of sex and I don't write that kind of romance, but I do have just enough sex they don't make it for inspirational. But, if the pendulum ever swings, I'm ready! (g).
Yes, distancing is near impossible, with helping Mom move, de-allergizing the apartment and trying to get in all the doctor app'ts before she leaves. Recognizing that, I'm trying to set up repeat clients to wait until August for me to do their projects, agreeing to teach aquacize this fall, considering various projects in the house and yard, while still recognizing that I'm going to need to be very gentle with myself when the transition happens, as the upcoming couple months are going to be pretty demanding, I think.
Thanks for the hugs, good thoughts and insight. Hope today wasn't too terribly boring and you ahd a good book to read.
Hi DR
Michael Connelly's LOST LIGHT, started it and finished it during the seminar.
It may be a really hard adjustment, sometimes I think giving up control is harder than the actual caregiving!
Interesting comparison about divorce and widow and I am going to through one more thing in there, relationship breakup. They do have a lot of things in common!
Heck about the romance novels, Mom is into them big time and I was going to try to find one that you had written to give to her.
By the way there was an article in yesterday's paper about how popular Romance novels are during economic downturns. Harleguin has increased the number of romance novels that they are publishing by 20%.
Bill
Bill, glad you had a good book to get you through the seminar (g).
Yes, giving up control is going to be a major transition, after five years of caregiving. Mom's MD started while she was in Juneau and she was diagnosed with diabetes while up there, but the latter was mis-managed and her Juneau doc told her she had no heart problems and to tell her kids to quit worrying. She was also mobile, rarely needing a cane and drove and went out to breakfast or lunch almost every day. She did her own doctor's app'ts. This is what Deb remembers.Lots has changed and the level of care and level of patient advocacy are very different now. However, I have to believe Deb will recognize this and I know she loves Mom dearly and that it will be good that neither of them is living alone, for different reasons.
Be interesting to hear your thoughts, once you think about the widow/divorcee or broken relationship comparison. Basically, a widow knows it's over and she'll never see her husband again and is on her own. A divorce knows it's over, but there's a chance it could revive and/or there's the chance she'll see the ex on occassion, perhaps with another woman, and if there are children there will be continued (possibly painful) contact. I think it's like one is final, the other has no closure in some respects?
Yes, romances are selling well. It would be interesting to see the stats, since Harlequin is also publishing what's called "women's fiction" which has romance, but takes a realistic look at life and much of it doesn't require the erotica element.
Hi Dr
Between walking and reading the seminar went really fast!
I think Deb is going to have some real eye openers after you Mom moves to Arizona. I do like the fact that they will be living together. There is a certain amount of peace in numbers.
A relatiionship breakup is almost identical to a divorce. It ends but there is always the chance it can began again.
Bill
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