Sex And Retirement

This is my totally inappropriate day. It happens once in a while. My cousin Barbara will be back in Portland Tuesday to talk to Mom about family history and to look at some of Mom's pictures. Mom and I spent a couple of hours yesterday going through pictures to sort out the ones that Barbara would be interested in from the ones that wouldn't interest her. When we were going through some stuff we found some things that various relatives had sent to dad. They may be inappropriate but in my feeble mind they are hilarious.

First up let's talk sex. This was a letter sent to Ann Landers:

"Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend
so get yourself a dog."

Now let's move on from inappropriate to completely politically incorrect.

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One third grader, on what his grandparents do, wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona.

Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles, and wear name tags, because they don’t know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don’t do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts.

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night – early birds.

Some of the people can’t get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and, says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.

When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

If the two stores above aren't inappropriate enough here is one of the problemns with deforestation:




OK, I know I going to hell for this post. It is a good thing I like barbecues. Comments are appreciated.

Who Am I?

Yesterday's answer: Gertrude Pridgett, or Ma Rainey

I was born in 1839 to a school teacher and died in 1898. My family spent some time in Wisconsin where we converted from Congregationalists to Methodists, a Protestant denomination that placed an emphasis on social justice and service to the world. At eighteen I attended an all female college. In my twenties I suffered a series of personal crises: both my father and my younger sister died, my brother became an alcoholic, and I began to feel love for a woman who would ultimately go on to marry my brother. When I was thirty-two I became president of a college for ladies and was their first Dean of Women. However that position was to be short-lived due to my resignation after confrontations with the University president over my governance of the Women’s College. I then focused my energies on a new career, traveling the American East Coast participating in the women’s temperance movement. My tireless efforts for women's suffrage and prohibition included a fifty-day speaking tour and an average of 30,000 miles of travel a year, four hundred lectures a year over a ten year period, I was elected president of the Woman's National Council of the United States at age forty and held the position for the remainder of my life. The crux of my argument for female suffrage was based on the platform of "Home Protection," which I described as "the movement...the object of which is to secure for all women above the age of twenty-one years the ballot as one means for the protection of their homes from the devastation caused by the legalized traffic in strong drink." I was the first woman represented among the illustrious company of America’s greatest leaders in Statuary Hall in the United States Capitol. I was national president of Alpha Phi in 1887. Even though the organization I was president of accepted black women in come circles I was considered a racist for implying booze led to an increase of crimes by blacks. I was an American educator, temperance reformer, and women's suffragist. My influence was instrumental in the passage of the Eighteenth (Prohibition) and Nineteenth (Women Suffrage) Amendments to the United States Constitution. I died of influenza and left my home to the WCTU and in 1965 it was elevated to the status of National Historic Landmark bearing my name. Who Am I?