Back From Conversation to Conversation

Hello everyone. I'm back from two days out of town. I've spent the last two days in Eugene, Oregon (about one hundred miles from here) at the high school boys basketball championship tournament. The tournament was held on The University of Oregon campus at the university arena, McArthur Court. While I loved being on campus, talking to the students when I walked on the campus between tournament sessions, the atompshere of the games, the basketball, the real reason I went to the tournament was to spend time with my nephew. My brother and my nephew have some serious issues between them and are in that place where they aren't talking to each other and haven't for a while.

I absolutely loved being in the role of pseudo-father and I think I did OK in the role of older male to a young adult. It did make me realize that one of my regrets is never being a dad because I really think I would have been a good one. I did have a great role model in my own dad, a man that I have talked about many times on my blog.

There are many issues between my brother and my nephew, some of which go all the way back to childhood. The main issue right now is the lack of contact between the two and when the two talk to each other the shallowness of the conversations. My nephew tries to have some serious talks with his dad but his dad changes to a meaningless subject like tv or football. My nephew wants to connect with his dad and in his mind keeps getting rejected. My nephew also has quit calling his dad because my nephew was always the one to make the initial contact and thought his dad should be the first to call sometimes. Of course my nephew was taking his dad's actions as very personal rejection.

What I tried to do is let my nephew know that my brother's actions weren't directed specifically at him but that my brother was being who my brother was and that was how he dealt with everyone. My brother (nor his wife) really don't call anyone in the family nor do they make any efforts to keep in touch with friends unless they need something from them. My brother and his wife married two days after they graduated from high school and have been together since. What they have done now is to create a world where only the two of them are in it and they seldom if never leave that world. They have no clue how many people their actions (or lack of them) effect. They also aren't aware how their actions are hurting themselves because as the age they will be two extremely lonely people. It is both tragic and heartbreaking. I told my nephew that my brother never calls Mom, never calls me, never calls his friends, never calls his sister and when he doesn't call him he is treating him exactly how he treats everyone. The lack of caring isn't just reserved for him. It isn't personal.

I told my nephew of a conversation I had with my brother in January. As some of you know I have been caring for an elderly parent since 2001, first my dad, and now my Mom. In January of this year I decided that for my own health and my own sanity that I had to back off of my caregiving duties and at least to attempt to have a life of my own. I really needed to focus on my future, date more, hopefully one day find that lovely woman to share the rest of my life with and finish the great American novel. In January I sat down with mom and had a heart-to-heart talk with her. About how much I really loved her but how for my on sanity and health that I couldn't really provide as much caregiving as I was anymore. That if I continued on the path that I was on I would go insane or die at an early age. It had really reached that point. Mom took it well and hired an additional caregiver so that I no longer had to spend nights at her house. The same evening that I had the talk with my Mom, my brother called. He needed help with his tax return. I told him about the conversation that I had with Mom earlier in the day. About my own health concerns, about Mom and how she was failing, and about what the choices that we had with her. His response? Who do you think will win the super bowl? For, God's sake it is his Mom too! Where was his compassion towards her or even towards me? I think the story helped my nephew understand his dad just a little bit more and that he feels better about himself. At least I hope he does.

When I left my nephew hugged me and I do think we felt really close. I told my nephew to call me any time. I also told him that sometimes you really do have to always be the one to make the first move and don't be so reluctant to call his dad. Start out slow. Talk about fishing, sports, his kids, and just remember who his dad is. Don't expect him to be someone he is not but if he wants a relationship with his dad he is going to have to be the adult. At 35 he is adult enough to handle it.

May this be a wonderful day for all of you. Call a friend or a relative today.