The prayers and good thoughts are for one of my nephews. The advise is for me.
My Brother-in-law's son is heading to Iraq. I just got a letter from his wife yesterday that said he would be in Iraq for six months. Counting their own children and children from previous marriages they have six children from ages 6 to 15. I pray for their father's safe return so that the children don't end up fatherless. Please send all your prayers and good thoughts in Robin's direction. They are appreciated.
Now on to the advise. I want you to be as honest and brutal with me as you can, I am a big boy I can take it. The advise has to do with of course my Mom. I'm typing this from my Mom's house as another caregiver quit. She quit because Mom treated her like crap. They had a huge argument over a stupid garbage bag. Mom was yelling and screaming at her. The caregiver called me and I went over there. When I got there Mom was still screaming and the caregiver was in her bedroom crying. I settled everything down but the next day the caregiver quit. The argument was totally unrealistic from Mom's standpoint. This bother's me from several standpoints.
1. Mom's personality is changing, she has never yelled before that I recall. That is a sign of dementia because she is becoming a bit more violent. Not physcially violent but emotionally abusive. I go anywhere from being the best most thoughtful son in the world to being a disloyal selfish human being.
2. Mom's memory is declining. She is having trouble concentrating.
3. Mom's life has basically become sitting in a chair all day staring out the window. It breaks my heart to see that her life has become so narrow.
That is the background on Mom. Now where I am at. Portland often gets a bad weather rap. Cities that have more average annual rainfall than Portland include Memphis, New York, Pittsburgh, New Orleans, etc. However, this winter was brutal and still is brutal. We had snow this morning and it was very cold. Since November it has rarely got above 40. It has been long and tiring. I am seriously considering finding a winter home in another city where I can live from November through April. After several discussions with my sister and myself Mom has agreed to go to respite care for the Month of May. She can try out an assisted living facility without making the move permanent. I am going to take a couple of weeks in May and travel to the L.A. area to check out property and job possibilities. I have either friends or ex-employers in Belmont Shores, Seal Beach, Beverly Hills, Santa Monica, Palm Springs, etc. Part of me is wondering if I am considering moving during the winter months to run away from my responsibilities with Mom. After reading my reasons if you think that is the case please tell me.
Here are my reasons for considering the move:
1. The pay for per-diem tax season work in the LA area is double what it is in the Portland area. Even after factoring the cost of rent, a house payment, or a hotel I can come out ahead. Working for just ten weeks of the time that I am down there combined with the royalties of the business that I sold here I can not only sustain finances but probably save a little.
2. I've come to the conclusion that as long as I am living close to Mom she will not find a caregiver she likes nor will she move to a facility. She knows I will continue to bail her out. I know in my heart a retirement home is best for her (and me to have her there) because it will increase her social life. When she gets depressed she can walk down to the lounge area to talk to people, participate in games, have somebody to share meals with, a bridge club, etc. If it is a tri-level facility she will never have to move again. Maybe I am seeing it through selfish eyes but I also see her being more active.
3. The signs Mom are exhibiting towards dementia are the same dad exhibited before a fall brought his on full force. Mom is also falling more. There just are no words to express how hard it was to go through dementia with dad. Watching a really good man become so different, holding his hand the day he died, trying to emotionally support all the other family members; I wouldn't wish that experience on my worst enemy. I'm not sure I am strong enough to go through that experience again.
I haven't yet decided to move, just to explore the possibilities, but if I do decide to take a six month break from Portland/Mom every year am I running away from my responsibilities?
Thanks for your input.
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12 comments:
No, you are not running away from your responsibilities because a placement other than home really would be better for your mother at this point. Your job is to see, as best you can while still living your own life and taking care of yourself, that she is well-provided for.
Hi Ellen
I always love your advise because it is consistently so good. I'm having a hard time balancing what is good for me and what is good for Mom. Your comments help.
Bill
No you are not running away from your responsibilities. Your mother seems to be showing signs of increasing dementia and will reach a point where she will need care from professionals trained in dealing with these issues. You are doing your best in researching options that will suit both of you. It is a hard balancing act and sometimes it's tough making decisions and choices but remember you need to take care of YOU as well. Sian
I'll weigh in with friends Ellen and Sian, but with a few caveats. First, decide what YOU really want to do, without taking mom into consideration. I know, I know, very hard, but try. Then follow up on your own wishes, having made sure mom will be cared for in your absence. Clearly, she should move into a facility, and one with continuous care as needed, since she seems to be on a downhill slide, would be best.
Whether you stay in Portland or take a winter residence elsewhere, she should be moved, and you're going to have to be firm about this sooner or later. I really feel for you. I know how hard it is, and I only hope you can get through it with a minimum of guilt feelings.
I do think that in a way, it might be easier for both of you if she got placed and you were around for a while (maybe with the clear understanding that you'd be absent at times in the future). Just until she gets adjusted to the new place, which would be a minimum of a few months. Whatever you do, it won't be easy at first, so you have all my good wishes and any support I can provide.
I agree with the others. You are NOT running away. I know some of what you are going through due to my kidlet and it's hard being the main one responsible for decision making and "bailing" them out of the situations they find themselves in. At some point in your life you have to live your life. Not live your life via being your Mother's caretaker. Do whatever is necessary to be at ease knowing your Mother is being cared for and then do what you need to do. It is your life, after all.
Hi Sian
Thank you for your support. My doctor was so happy when I went to him in January that after years of taking care of Mom and Dad I was finally taking care of myself. Best report I had since high school. Now I am afraid that if I get back into the nights and intense caregiving again I'll start the slide again when I am the healthiest that I've been.
I just find it hard to take what is best for me out of the equation.
Bill
Hi Pat
As always good advise. If I did what I wanted to do without Mom in the equation I'd move during the winters. This winter was just to darn cold.
What I hopes happen is that Mom will like being in the facility so much in May that she will stay there. I quit wishing that she would be happy since she never will be I just wish that she likes it better than her house and her life becomes a little more fulfilling.
I would never just put mom somewhere and take off. I just don't think she will move unless I take off for a while first. I will fly back and spend a couple weeks here while she is adjusting if she decides to go to a facility after I move. Even the temporary move in May I delayed the trip from the first to the first Wednesday in May so I can be here for a few days while she adjusts.
Also my sister is seriously thinking about moving here. Her husband lost his job and they are kind of in financial straits. They are thinking of selling their house in Utah and moving into Mom's house. They can live there for free. So if she is here Mom will still have someone around to visit.
I also have a niece that is the head pharmacist at the Fred Meyer two blocks from the facility where Mom is moving to. She will check on mom daily if she has to.
The trouble is that as long as I am here nobody will step up to the plate. They will pretty much rely on me to do it. If they are put in a position where they have to step up to the plate they will.
Even if I move I will still be here some weekends during the winter. I will never compeltely back out of mom's life. I just feel that I have to now for her to do what is best for her.
Bill
Hi Symply
First, congratulations on your decisiont to go back to college!
Second, thank you for your support.
I knew you understand how hard it is to be responsible for someone else because you do so much for your daughter.
Third, for some reason for quite a long time I've not felt my life was my life. I really want to start feeling that feeling now.
Bill
Are you running away? ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!!!
My friend's mother was staying in her house, but eventually fell and had to go to the hospital. She didn't break anything, but the folks at the hospital said she needed to be in a nursing home for a while. My friend realized quickly that her mother was having much more dementia that she had previously realized, and that she was not eating and was becoming more malnourished.
Now that she's been in the nursing home for a couple of weeks, her appetite is better and she has gained some weight, she has more lucid moments (although still "sundowning"), and is not obsessing about "going home". She will be moving into assisted living from the nursing home. Everyone has realized that she will be much happier, healthier, and safer where there are people around 24/7. This mom is getting excited about moving into her "apartment".
Your mom, I'm sure, will be the same. And, deep down inside, you know this is something that will have to be done sooner or later. And it needs to happen before YOUR health is wrecked.
We're all with you all the way!
Hi Mary Z
Thanks so much for your support.
I remember you posting on your blog about your friend's mother. I'm elated that her mother is adjust so well!
I hope my mom gives assisted living a chance but she often has her mind made up ahead of time and nothing they do there will make her happy. I just am praying that she opens up her mind and gives it a shot.
I do know it has to be done sooner or later which is one of the reasons I'd like for it to happen when Mom can become part of the decision. Also before I am to old to enjoy life.
The support of the women posting here is amazing. Thanks to all of you.
Bill
Hi Bill - I am sorry you have such a stressful decision ahead of you. It sounds like you have really been there for both of your parents. It also sounds like there is plenty of support for your Mom if you decide to winter away from her. I think if you move and something happens to your Mom you are going to feel guilty no matter what any advice you are given. You do need to make your life a priority. Your Mom has lived her life and had a marriage and children. Now it is your turn. I wish you the best with your decision. I can only imagine how hard it is. Take care.
Hi Kim
Nice to see you here. Hope things are going well for you.
I don't think I will feel guilty if something happens to Mom, I've given up a lot of my life to make sure dad and mom were taken care of so I think I'm ok. When dad died I felt relief for a bit and felt guilty about that. My brother, however, will be the one to feel the most guilty. He hasn't been part of anyone's life in any meaningful way for quite a long time now.
Thanks for such a supportive message.
Bill
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