First, the blog of the day is the Blog of the blogging guru, the bloggers' blogger, the blog of my friend Bev Sykes, http://www.funnytheworld.com/. Bev has been blogging for seven years and has been helpful to a lot us with little hints about blogging, like how to delete comments on a blog, for example. She patiently answers all our questions. I've been fortunate enough to meet Bev and her husbannd, Walt. Bev's blog covers a ton of subjects including theatre reviews in her part-time job as theatre critic. The last entry on funnytheworld is one in which Bev expands her review responsibilities and reviews the documentary film, Moving Midway. Bev writes extremely well and her blog entries will go between making you laugh, think, cry, and will result in numerous other emotions. Clink on the link in this message for a real treat.
Second, my entry today is about guilt. I've been suffering from the emotion a lot lately. As a lot of you know I've been caregiving in some fashion since 2001 when my dad suffered a stroke which brought on his full fledged dementia. A couple of months before dad died in 2003 my sister and her husband temporarily moved here to help with dad. Although I did some form of caregiving every day dad was alive I backed off a little bit and didn't have to stay nights at my parents house. When I backed off, dad got worse. When I was totally involved he pretty much maintained and some days got just a little better. With me out of full time caregiving dad declined at a amazing pace and died within in two months. I've often felt guilty about not stepping back in when I saw the decline and have always felt partially responsible for his death. Was it just a natural decline or was it because he lost, in his mind, the emotional support of the person is was emotionally the closest to?
Now I am facing the same situation with my Mom. As some of you know at the end of January I backed off of the caregiving duties with my Mom when we hired another caregiver to spend nights there. Except for the occasional fill-in when one of the caregivers is sick I no longer give up sleeping in my own bed. I still go over there most days, I do all her shopping, get her out of the house for dinner or lunch, take her to doctor appointments, bridge club, cook some meals for her and the caregivers, etc. I just don't do the intense caregiving that I used to. Now just like dad, Mom is getting worse. The decline has been traumatic and parallels Dad. It doesn't help much with the guilt emotions when Mom tells me that she feels so much better when I am there. Now again I am feeling guilty about backing off and am fighting the temptation to step back in. How do I balance the need to have my own life, the right to be healthy (I'm much healthier and less tired than when I was fully involved), the want of time to find that lovely woman to spend the rest of my life with the guilt of maybe accelerating Mom's illness if I don't step back in? I also wish I could suppress the thoughts that maybe I am being manipulated into feeling guilty so I will step back in. The women in my family tend to be a tad controlling at times and my independent nature fights that tooth and nail.
Just some thoughts about the responsibility of having an elderly parent. Any advise that anyone has would be greatly appreciated.
May this be a great day for all of you!
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10 comments:
Oh, Bill, I really feel for you, and I understand all too well the guilt you are feeling, though I'll give you the same advice you will doubtless receive from others. You do more than enough, and while I'll grant you have a responsibility for your mom, you are also responsible for yourself. I think there's a time to allow nature to take its course, do what you can without giving up your life, and try hard not to feel guilty for not giving up your own life completely.
As someone who's a little closer to your mother's situation, I know I would not want my daughter to give up her life and her pursuits to take care of me. I've told her this, and told her I do expect her to make sure I'm taken care of when/if I'm no longer able to do it myself, but I do NOT expect her to move in with me and be a fulltime caregiver. When/if the time comes, I may get all querulous and needy and demanding, so I want all this understood while I'm still me, if that makes any sense.
Since I'm forced now by a broken ankle to curtail my visits with my own mother, I see some decline in her. Is it inevitable? Was I staving it off by showing up there twice a day and micromanaging things that seem to be being taken care of without me? I don't know, and oddly enough, I don't feel guilty about it. At least not very. You'll feel some guilt no matter what you do or don't do, so try to get on with your life and do what you can, when you can. It's enough.
Hi, Pat
Part of me knows that I do more than enough but there is that other part of me in those weak moments that I can't seem to suppress.
Thank you for pointing out that I do have a responsibility for myself I know this is weird but I didn't think of it.
If I had children (or a wife) I would be exactly like you. I would want them to make sure I was taken care of but I would want them to enjoy life as well and as long as they could without the responsibility of caring for me.
I'm really glad you don't feel guilty about your mom's decline and you have to take care of yourself while your ankle heels. I do hope that the distance that has been created between you and your mom while your ankle heels will allow you to downsize your visits once you are up and running a foot race. Like me you are doing more than enough.
When dad died I felt both guilt and relief. He had suffered so much it was really a blessing but I did have pangs of guilt.
Thanks, Pat for such a supportive message, it is appreciated.
Thanks so much for making me the blog of the Day, Bill. I think you picked a good entry to use!
I think Pat has given you some good advice from her own practical experience. You have done so much for your mother over the years and you continue to give, but there needs to be some recognition that you have needs too. Knowing you as I do, I know you would never selfishly neglect your mother, but you'll be a more effective caregiver if you feel better about yourself too.
Hugs
Bev
I think any entry would be good to use. I like all your entries.
Thank you for your kind words, it really helps.
Bill
I agree with Pat, too. If you don't take care of YOU, and something happens, then there is nobody to take care of anybody!
When John was the caregiver for his dad, it was "supervisory". Dad was in a retirement complex, through independent, assisted, and skilled care. John usually went by to see him every day.
As Dad went downhill, John worried that he (John) wouldn't know what steps to take as things progressed. He consulted two people whose opinion he valued (a stiff-backed retired marine, as straight as you can imagine, and a liberal Unitarian minister). Both of them told him the same thing: You'll do the right thing. And furthermore, the situations you're worried about probably will take care of themselves.
John says to tell you: "whatever you do, do the absolute best you know how to do, and piss on the rest of it!. That's all you can do."
And I will add that guilt is absolutely the most destructive waste of time, energy, and emotion that you can suffer through. John says "Amen!"
And, John never did have to make any major decisions. Dad fell and broke his hip, and a month later developed pneumonia, and died within hours, with John holding his hand.
We're all here with you, and you can bitch here all you want to!
Hi Bill -
I have no advice to give as my mother is still relatively young and active. However, I wanted to offer my support. I am sure it is quite a feeling of responsiblity. You seem like a very decent person and I think you will make the right decisions. Best of luck to you and your mom.
Mary Z
Thank you so much for your support.
I am working very hard at taking care of myself.
I'd like to be the supervisor but I think in some ways that role may be harder than be the hands on caregiver.
The two people John consulted sound so totally different yet they both came to the same conclusion.
I'm hoping Mom will begin to face that she really shouldn't be home alone and the number of lifes it effects by her staying there just isn't what is best for everyone including her.
Guilt is no doubt a destructive emotion but it is a real one that most family caregivers go through.
I was also holding my dad's hand when he died so I completely have empathy with and for John.
And thanks for being here for me!
Bill
Kim
Thank you for your support it is both helpful and appreciated.
I'm glad your mom is young and active. Which means are you even younger and more active!
Thank you for you good luck wishes.
Bill
Pat is so smart about this, I really hope you'll listen to her.
If you asked any older person, do you want your child to give up their health and their life for you? Most of them would say no, of course not. And yet, most of them act like that's exactly what they want. I think they draw inward, and all they can think about is what they want. Their lives become so limited that they have trouble seeing other people's situation, if that makes sense.
It happened to my grandparents, two of the kindest, most generous people ever. As time went on, they became almost ruthless in their desire to stay at home no matter what. No matter what impact it had on their children. Both rejected every single non-family caregiver outright. It was hard.
Thankfully my parents are still healthy, but I know it will happen to me too. And they won't mean to do it.
You take care of you. The mom who raised you and loved you wants you to be healthy and happy and have a life. This mom who's here now isn't quite the same person she was. You're doing more than you need to. Don't let her guilt you. Just keep on being kind and attentive and live your life.
I feel for you, Bill, really I do. You're such a good son. Your mom is so lucky to have you.
Mary
I always listen to Pat she is kind of my mentor with my Mom.
My Mom is exactly how you describe what she says doesn't match with what she does. She says she wants what is best for me then she sabtoages any solution that doesn't include me or at least lessena the burden for me. Of course it isn't an easy position for Mom to be in either. I can't imagine what it would be like to be totally dependent on others. And Mom does draw inward. When they draw inward then it becomes pretty much only about them. What you said not only makes sense but you naile my situation to a t.
< Both rejected every single non-family caregiver outright. >
Mom does the exactly same thing. Fault with everyone and everything they do.
"The mom who raised you and loved you wants you to be healthy and happy and have a life. This mom who's here now isn't quite the same person she was."
I quoted this because it is something that I will read over and over again. It will help with my understanding of the situation.
Thank you, Mary.
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