Not much going on in the Dahn household today except for a pretty important meeting tonight which I will report on later in this entry but first a couple of miscellaneous notes.
For those of you caring for elderly parents you might want to visit the following web sites:
http://www.visitingangels.com/
http://eldercare.com/
Both offer a ton of support and suggestions and even provide information on how you can get a break from caregiving.
For the Dancing With The Stars fans the latest rumors have Tom Selleck and Toni Braxton competing on the show. Lance Bass is still in but won't be dancing with a man. Dan Quayle is out.
Now about the meeting tonight. Mom and I are meeting with a caregiver to see if she will be available for when mom goes home. We have another caregiver hiding in the wings that has committed to help mom going home. We really need three to take the caregiving burden off of me. Mom is now wavering between going home and staying where she is at. My sister suggested she wait another month before making the decision. I like the idea of mom waiting a month before deciding what to do for several reasons, of course some of them selfish. I like waiting because I've adjusted to mom being in assited living and my life seems more full this way. That is the selfish reason. The unselfish reason is if mom really wanted to go home she would have given her thirty day notice by now and the fact that hasn't tells me she is having second thoughts. The other reason for waiting is Sis is trying to sell her house in Salt Lake City and if they do so her and her husband will move here for the winter. That takes away a need for one caregiver and also relieves my burden. Sis feels she will know more about the house selling in thirty days and if mom waits thirty days to give her notice there may be more information for mom to make the right decision. The bad thing about waiting thirty days is the caregiver we have hiding in the wings needs a job and won't wait that long to be hired. OK, here are the choices:
Mom gives her notice on the 15th of August and moves home the 15th of September.
Mom delays making a decision for a month and then decides what she wants to do.
OK, everyone both mom and I need some guidance. Please pray for us to receive that guidance or for those that don't prayer muster up are you good vibes that an answer presents itself to us.
May this be a great day for all of you.
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17 comments:
Seems to me that your mom keeps delaying making a decision because she doesn't really want to move back home and is comfortable where she is. BUT, she really isn't willing to admit that yet. And, in all honesty, at some level, you probably aren't either. 8^)
Hi Mary
I think you are right but I also think Mom has a very had time making decisions. Sis and I then would make the decision for her and it would always be the wrong one. This time both Sis and I told mom the decision was her that this time she would be the one making the decision. I think part of mom is still waiting for us to make it for her and it isn't going to happen this time.
Bill
It seems to me that mom giving it another month is a no-brainer. Aside from the in-the-wings person needing a quicker decision, that is. With luck, sis will be available and the wings person won't be needed anyway. And another month will give you time to line up more caregivers just in case. I'm going to send you lots of vibes for the additional month, with a few added that she decides to stay in assisted living for good. Of course if she does that, there are bound to be those times when she regrets the decision, so be prepared.
That was one odd thing with my mom. When she finally made the decision for real and sold the house, she never again talked about it. Until now, when she talks about "going home", but when I ask her to tell me about "home", she looks stumped, so she may be thinking about a childhood one or just the concept of home. Or maybe of a life where she was independent.
I'd root for Tom Selleck, and am relieved that Dan Quayle is out. Who is Toni Braxton?
BTW, you sound like you're feeling guilty because her being in assisted living is making YOUR life easier. Just because it has good benefits for you does NOT make it bad. That just makes it a win / win situation. 8^)
Hi Pat
Toni Braxton is a grammy award winning singer here is a link:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Toni_Braxton
Truthfully I really want mom to wait a month to make a decision but it has to be her decision not mine. Last time Mom and I talked which was a few minutes ago she was leaning to not waiting. I am hoping she changes her mind agains so keep them vibes coming.
I remember your mom moving home and then back to the assisted living center. I see mom doing something like that also.
Bill
Hi Mary
Yes I do feel a little quilty having my life easier because mom keeps telling me how happy she is at the assisted living center. Yet, whenever I make a surprise visit she is have a great time talking or playing bingo.
Bill
Bill, I'm sending lots of prayers for positive guidance for all of you. Personally, knowing what you've been through and caring for Mom, I hope she'll opt to remain in assisted living. I don't think you're at all selfish for wanting this and realizing it's given you a fuller life -- heck, it's given you the opportunity to HAVE a life, after the last few years. In addition, even if Sis moves into the house, I suspect you're still going to need three caregivers or you're going to be back to caregiver status yourself in many regards.
I agree with what some of the others have said and with your later comments that Mom wants you to make the decision. This is something I'm really seeing, since I decided Mom is now in a position to make decisions about seeing doctors, doing PT, considering trips, whatever. She really doesn't want to make the decisions. It's much easier for me (on rare occasions with travel, Deb) to make the decision. Then, if it's wrong, it's not her fault. (Okay, that sounds bitchy, but we're dealing with reality here). If Mom makes the decision, then regardless of the result, it's her responsibility. And there were a couple plus years she really wasn't in a position to make the decisions, so I think it became convenient and a lot easier to let me do it.
I also think you're right in feeling her hesitation to give notice may be an indication she wants to stay in assisted living, yet is having some trouble accepting her "want" to do that, rather than returning home. Maybe she thinks you all expect her to be independent and able and wanting to return home? It sounds like she's getting great care and is enjoying the others at the facility, where there's a lot more social opportunity than if she's at home and dependent on you to take her to the grocery or lunch or on an outing that means she sees something other than the same four walls.
It's a difficult and frustrating situation and decision for everyone involved. As time goes on, it may be that remaining where she is would be best for everyone, especially her. I'm seeing very disturbing changes in the past year or less. Mom is pretty okay in her own apartment with a few exceptions. She needs someone to do light housekeeping and gets bent because I'm doing the cleaning and such, as well as all the running. It would be good for her to have someone to run errands. However, she's on a very limited income. What I've discovered over the last few months is that senior agencies are strained beyond their capability to provide assistance because of funding cuts. Yes, you can go to Assisting Angels or Comfort Keepers, but there are hourly charges, including travel time, for them to provide assistance and it gets expensive. Some long term care policies will cover this (Mom doesn't have one), some won't. Medicare won't cover it. Medicaid might cover some of it, but Mom doesn't qualify, being borderline but not destitute. Some agencies cover only certain areas. TR, where we live, seems to fall between the cracks of the drawn lines. Upstate seniors and Senior Action can no longer fund errand running and the waiting list for housekeeping assistance from SA (who now issues vouchers for professional services, rather than using volunteers) is almost two years.
I know others here are dealing with the same or similar issues and I suspect most of us are hoping your mom will stay in assisted living, for everyone's sake. It would be one thing if she was trying to make the decision to go, but now that she's settled and seems to like the facility, it seems a shame for her to leave.
I'm sending lots of prayers and white light. Please keep us posted, as I think several of us are in the same boat or at least boats with similar color schemes and layouts.
Okay, Bill, the vibes will keep coming until further notice. I do hope your mom decides to wait. A month is not long and will be best for everyone, imo.
OTOH, I wouldn't be surprised if she did follow my mother's lead and give living at home one more try before making a final decision. Not to be cruel, but you shouldn't make it too easy for her if she does. Keep it as near what it will actually be like as possible and don't give up your recent bits of freedom in any way that you're not willing to keep up.
Thanks for the reference on Braxton. I'm a total dunce when it comes to pop music performers.
I am following this conversation with interest. My parents are both still capable and living on their own, but the last year, I have noticed both of them willing to delegate a whole lot more. Like my dad letting me call to negotiate his doctor's appointment. Never would have happened a year ago. And my mom is much less willing to make a decision. She wants someone else to make it, and then she'll probably complain because she doesn't like it. Sigh. I'm seeing my future here.
I vote for what Pat said, hopefully your mom will stay put, but if she's determined to come home, don't make it too easy for her.
Hi Dr
Thanks for the prayers and bright lights. I appreciate them to no end.
Even in assisted living there is still a lot to do, this week is a fine example. Sunday took here to church. Monday to her annual eye appointment. Yesterday meeting with the caregiver. Today to the foot doctor but she is an add on since I need to have minor in office foot surgery it is a joint appointment. Tomorrow grocery shopping. Saturday pickup medicine. Not to mention taking care of two houses, two lawns, etc.
If sis moves into the house my role will probably change from caregiver to referee. And mom prefers me to take her to the doctors. So you are right I will still be involved.
in many regards.
I used to not mind making decisions for mom but the problem is that when I do I usually never hear the end of it about how wrong they are/were. So this one is mom's and she won't have any to blame but herself.
I do think that like with your mom them not making decisions is part of the aging process and I also think not expressing what they want is part of aging also. And it doesn't sound bitchy to me, it is real.
Mom thinks my sister and I don't want her to go home. It is kind of a dig at us. We just want her to make her own decision about where to go.
Sorry about the changes you are seeing in your mom and the sad thing is that probably won't stop. The changes will start to come faster. It is very frightening.
The way we treat the elderly in this society is awful. We cut their budget while building bridges to nowhere.
Thanks for the message DR, it was very helpful
Bill
Hi Pat
I don't know most singers pop or not but I knew Braxton because I liked on of her songs.
I'm not sure I have it in me to make it hard on mom to go home. I'll try. Then probably feel guilty. I have already told her that I am going to do things like travel, etc whether she goes home or not.
Bill
Hi Mary
Your parents are the early stages of aging, the become scared to make a decision. Even the little ones about where to eat, etc.
Maybe if you are seeing the future you can learn from my mistakes. And of course we are all here to help you.
Bill
I learn so much from your blog, Bill, and, selfishly, it often makes me feel better to know others are experiencing some of what I am. (Misery loves company?)
Mary, as Bill said, you're beginning to see the affects of aging. As to decisions, I think our parents feel they live in a world that has changed so very rapidly over their lifetimes, they're not confident in making decisions. And, yes, there is the issue of if the decisions is "wrong" (read, doesn't work the way expected) it's easier for it to be someone else's "fault." I wish I could give you an easy answer to that one, but I'm still working on it myself. Bill says learn from his mistakes, but I think he's done exceptionally well. You might, however, want to take a good look at my snafus.
Bill, I had to smile at your schedule for the week, even with your mom in assisted living. Looks like my last week and this -- Tues, PT, Wed PT, Thurs see doc, Fri PT, Sat do groceries. And that pretty much looks like the schedule for the upcoming weeks. Plus, one wants to throw in an excursion or two that isn't med-related or house-cleaning.
I also hear you on the role of referree, given past experience you've had, and I'm not sure that's a step up from caregiver!
I know the negative changes will continue and may increase in frequency or amount. Himself and I have discussed it. It's not a happy thought. I keep repeating to myself, "Accept, allow, don't judge, don't force." Some days it takes, some days it doesn't. I also remind myself that if this is upsetting to me, it has to be doubly so for her, in terms of frustration and not knowing and losing ability to do things as she'd like to. Sometimes it boils down to meeting her wants and she feels guilty or meeting mine and I feel guilty, as happened yesterday. There's no good answer, at least not one I've found.
We don't want to get started on my feelings about how we, as a society, treat the elderly (or neglect them) I really need to win the lottery and start my seniors agency, with you and Pat on the board of directors!
Hi Dr
I am always flattered and feel so great when someone says they learn from my blog or that my blog helps get them through the days sometimes or provides a laugh for them. The truth is what makes my blog special is the posters like yourself that are willing to share their their stores and their problems. We really have a great group here.
And I don't think it is selfish to find it helpful that others are in the same situation and have the same emotions that we do. I think it is more of a case of someone understands than it is misery loves company.
We do have the same schedule!! And you, Pat, and I have the same Mom. That makes us siblings no?
Your schedule sounds exhausting.
The big two things when we watch our parents age is patience and understanding. And not to be afraid to take care of yourself first. If you aren't healthy you can't take care of them.
Do I ever understand the guilt feelings. I experience the same as you, someone is going to feel guilty most of the time, either it is going to be you or it is going to be your mom. I've reached the stage where I would rather have her feel guilty lol.
Bill
Well, since we've got the same Mom and it certainly seems a lot of the same character traits and attitudes and such, I suppose you, Pat and I were somehow separated at birth and Mom was cloned!
Ok, chiming in late here, but I echo everything discussed here. LadyDr hit it on the head. My sister, brother and I split the cost of a caretaker 8 hours a day for 5 days. It's all we can do, I don't know how other's manage.
LadyDr.. love the white light reference.
Bill... sending you and your Mom prayers and more white light.
Kaye
Hi Kaye
We appreciate all the white lights and prayers you can muster.
Bill
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