Not a lot to say today so thought I would update the readers and posters on various subjects.
Golf - improving daily. Birds don't fly away and people no longer look for shelter when they see me with golf clubs.
Dating - I did muster up enough courage to talk to a lady in the produce section of the grocery store the other day. She was 92.
Fitness - I bought some weights to add that to my regimen. I want to strengthen up my arms. Still walking four miles a day, the golf range every other day, cleaning house daily, and now the weights. I did break 200 yesterday and am eagerly looking forward to making my goal of 185. When I get there I am getting some new pictures taken and will let you vote on which one to put on my profile. At some point when I look decent in a bathing suit I am going to take adult swimming lessons. One, I always wanted to learn to swim correctly and two, that could be a good way to meet someone.
Mom - This is the second Friday in our weekly Fridays of going to mom's house to clean it out and get it ready for sale. Since a lot of you have the responsibility of caring for elderly parents I am wondering if you also have what I call elevator emotions and if your elderly parent gets to be negative a lot. Does the negativity wear you out? The elevator emotions for me are going back and forth between it is nice to feel needed and damn I wish I had my own life so I could travel or insert your own word here. Sometimes I have those conflicting emotions within a five minute period of time. In addition mom tends to be negative and that just wears me out. I try very hard to keep her positive but it usually ends up with me being brought down instead of her being brought up. Do you think negativity is a product of aging? Of seeing your life ending? Of not being able to do the things you used to do? Or is a product of personality and it depends on the person? I am really curious as to what you all think.
Off to the golf range and then to pick up Mom for a day at the beach. Well not the beach, her home.
About Me
- William J.
- First, I think the birth sign is wrong. 6-21, some papers say Gemini, some Cancer. Guess that means I have so many personalities that I can do group therapy alone. For those that don't know how to read Google profiles I have put what I really mean in ( ). Hot (Good looking enough to be in movies(if I buy at ticket). A body like a God (Buddha). Romantic (Thinks begging is foreplay.) Physically fit (Heart trouble. Put 911 on speed dial before we get initmate.) Good Provider (has good life insurance in case you forget to put 911 on speed dial.) Loyal (has reference letters from Mom and parole officer.) Intelligent (scored 1600 on his SATS but you have to total the scores of the four times that I took the test.) Looking for someone compatible (Be between 30 & 99 and not inflatable.)
16 comments:
Better watch out for those 92-year-olds - they can be sneaky.
I hope the 92 y/o was a hottie.
Reading your schedule makes me feel tired, so good for you! Cleaning house every day??? Torture!
Elevator emotions? Oh, yes! My elevator hangs about on the lower floors these days, but once in a while heads for the basement. My mother isn't really any more negative than when she had all her marbles, but now the negative comments and the worries make no sense, so they are harder to deal with.
I suppose a lot of it is a response to life being limited and in my mom's case, not understandable any more. Maybe it's a normal end stage of life thing. I don't see much positive thinking among the other residents at LC, and some of them are a lot more vocal about their negativity than my mom is. The staff seems to think she's one of their best in that department. Just lately the whole thing is getting to me bigtime, so if you don't want your elevator to hit the basement, you should avoid talking to me.
Mary Z
They sure can and she didn't look a day over 90.
Bill
Pat
Good post.
Even with that schedule I'm bored most the time.
I'm sorry your elevator is on the lower floors but I understand. It is so hard when our relative isn't really mentally with us. Dealing with dad in that state was just the most difficult thing anyone can imagine I wouldn't wish that on our worse enemy.
Now that you mention the residents of where mom is at are pretty negative too.
Hugs Pat. If you need an ear you can always call me. I hope things get better for you. And soon.
By the way I am still toying with the idea of an LA Trip in later August early September and would love to meet for lunch or dinner. I am just not sure if or when yet.
Bill
Hi Bill
I certainly understand the elevator emotions as well. The thing that REALLY helped my mother was getting her on an antidepressant. Mother had been very negative for quite some time, but even when the doctor would ask "are you depressed", she bark back "I am NOT depressed!". Mother always thought if you were depressed, you cried all the time. When Mother had to start taking more drugs after her stroke, we asked the doctor to include an antidepressant. Bill.. that brought back the old MOther I knew that would lol and smile.
I think it's a part of aging. Dad was depressed, too, but understandably as he was terminal and his last months were grueling.
Talk to your Mom's physician. See if they think a "light weight" antidepressant is a consideration in her case. We told our Mom that the new pill was a smile pill. We never mentioned the word "depressed" or "anti-depressant".
Hang in there... I think if those of us caring for our elderly parents have eachother to talk to, it helps. Bless their hearts...
Hugs,
K
Good job on the golf, fitness and lady in the produce department -- you gotta start somewhere.
As to moms and elevator emotions... like Pat and Kaye, I can relate too well. Yeah, my elevator hangs around the lower floors lately and periodically goes to the basement. I think negativity is extremely wearing and I know it's one of the biggest issues I have with Mother. And, yes, I do think, for reasons unknown, that negativity much more easily begets negativity than being positive gets positive results and that's not just with our elderly parents. With the exception of one lovely lady, it seems everyone in Mom's apartment complex concentrates on the negative. Hearing about all Mom's ills, aches and pains, what she can't do and not being able to "fix" it is sometimes exhausting. And it seems to be her main topic of conversation, at least with me.
I also share your thoughts that one minute it's nice to be needed and I'm glad we're here for her and can help and that's she's here. The next minute I wonder what it would be like not to build a schedule around doctors and PT and test app'ts and the like. I suspect it's natural for any of us in this situation.
Kaye, I'm so glad the anti-depressants helped your mother. Mom insists she's not depressed, so much like what you describe. So far, we've found no way to get her take anything. I'm trying to encourage her to take more charge of her own health and what she wants, but dear goodness I wish we could convince her to give it a ninety trial and see if she feels any different!
Bill, I'm glad you raised the questions. Sometimes it helps to know what I'm feeling and how I'm reacting aren't just me and that others are dealing with similar situations and similar emotions.
Hi Kaye
Now that I can get to my blog I can respond. Yours, Pat's, and Lady Dr's posts were great.
Good information about the antidrepressant. Now if I can get mom to take it, I can get a doctor to prescribe I just have to get mom to follow the doctor's advise.
I'm very glad it helped your mom.
There is so much misleading information out there about depression it is no wonder your mom had the wrong idea of what it was.
That is just tragic that your dad was terminal. Wow, have you ever been dealing with a lot the last few years.
I would love to provide a place to talk about caring for elderly parents and feel free whenever you have the need to talk to someone post it anywhere on my blog and I will see that it gets full attention and re-post it as daily entry. That goes for anyone reading this.
Bill
I'm glad I am not the only one having elevator and fluctuating emotions.
I agree with you that negative people bring down postive people faster and more often that postive people bringing up negative people and that it is a disease in all age groups.
I'm glad I am not the only one that goes from wanting to be needed to wanting freedom. That helps me tremendously.
I'm glad bringing up the questions helped. That is part of what I want my blog to be. Help with those of us caring for parents.
Bill
Lady dr... I know how hard it is to get our parents to take the medications they need to take. I wish I could think of another word for depression. They just don't realize that's the state they're in. It something that didn't happen over night, so they're use to it. If I have any ideas on what might help your mother open to the idea ... I'll add that here. We had to do it on the sly... not the best of options, but it worked for us, and especially for her.
Bill, thanks for your concern. It's been 11 years since Dad passed away, but I still miss him every day. I often have a sense of him.. odd, but comforting.
Hi, Kaye (it's okay to do it this way, right, Bill? Y'all need to educate me on blogs)
All you say about depression and accepting it is so true. Plus, Mom's of the provincial midwestern persuasion, where people don't have depression or stress or whatever, they just "suck it in and deal with it." Admitting to it becomes some sort of character flaw (raised there, been there, done that, when diagnosed with escalated panic disorder). Plus Mom is taking so many meds now, and wants to just stop them all (sometimes I agree with her) that the idea of adding another ...
Mom's way too sharp to do anything like this on the sly. I periodically manage to add/ subtract something good/bad, but it's a rare occasion.
I understand your feelings about your dad. Daddy's been gone thirty years this Christmas but, oh, how I miss him. And, like you, I have a sense of him and still find myself "talking" to him or thinking about how he might approach a situation. I kind of think of all those I've lost up there together.
Funny story for all (altho not funny at the time). We lost my two b-i-l's within about ten days of each otherthree years ago. I was in CA helping with the aftermath of Jim's memorial, when the other sister called to say Paul had passed, could I come to AZ. A week later, we (siblings) got a message from a gal who'd considered Jim a surrogate father.She said, "You know, I can just see it. Jim's on the other side, waiting for Paul. And as Paul crosses the line, Jim says to him, 'Are you believing this s**t?'"
It was SO "Jim."
Sometimes it's the off-the-wall stuff that helps the most.
Bill, thank you for giving those of us with elderly parents a place and opportunity to share ideas and to vent. You are truly a blessing to all of us.
Hi Kaye
My dad has been gone since 2003 and I miss him dearly, every day in fact. We still have his ashes and I know this is really weird, but I didn't promise you I was normal, I still talk to him and get the strong feeling that he is listening.
I feel his presence many days. So does my brother. When we were kids my dad used to sing to us and his favorite song to sing to us was "You are my sunshine." When my cousin told that story at the memorial the organist played the song at the end of the memorial when everyone was leaving. My brother went back home to Wyoming. They lived in a two bedroom log cabin. In the second bedroom was a radio that never worked. The night they got back from Oregon at 2 a.m. they heard a disturbance in the second bedroom and the radio came on. The song that was on the radio was "You Are My Sunshine." Weird but true.
Bill
Hi Dr
The way you are treating the blog is just great.
It is my blog and I can do what I want. I actually love it when the posters interact with each other. It is a good way to make new friends. I've known Kaye for a long time from AOL and she is like all the posters here, real, caring and down to earth. If posters here become friends YEA! And if any poster has any help for another poster or want to bounce ideas off of them YEA for that too.
Frankly, I hate to always be the only needing advice lol.
DR, I think those close to us that have died are angels watching over us.
I love the story about Jim and Paul.
Thank you for the nice compliment. I'm glad everyone feels comfortable about talking about their parents.
The thought just came to me that if I win the lottery we will have an offline TheDahnReport get together maybe in Vegas. And if the lottery is enough my treat lol.
Bill
Bill, I love all of your posts, but the main reason I started reading them at all were because of the topics on caring for ederly parents.
I started caring for my mom 5 years ago, and was then asked by my dad to stay on and care for him.
I had also cared for my Mother in law years ago but it was in my home. This is different as I am in my parents home and had to give up my freedom and home, and the elevator here in the last 5 years has failed to come off of the basement floor!
I love hearing all your friends comments. I agree with lady dr in that it sure is nice of you to give us all the opportunity here to vent/share thoughts, etc... It helps me to know there are others out there dealing with the same thoughts/feelings/situations that I am experiencing.
It's funny in that your siblings will sometimes disappear when there is a parent to care for. I found this out the hard way and have had to deal with that as well as deal with the illness/emotions/death of my parents all the while dealing with being in the "middle" when it comes to my parents and my spouse, and no one to help me at all.
So far I haven't had to deal with the negativity with my dad and my mom just went back to a childlike demeanor, so I can't help you there other than to say I think it would defintely wear me out tremendously. I do feel as you do that it is nice when you do something that helps them out you feel good, but then just in the next moment you can wish for your life you had before when you could do as you please and not live your life around doctors appointments/pill taking, etc..just as lady dr said.
I normally say my dad is in better physical health than me, but recently he had a stroke, and I had to be the one to witness it all, But thankfully it so far has had no lasting effects as he went golfing the next morning and has been every day since. I say thankfully as I hate to say that I am dreading the day when he can no longer do the thing he seems to love the most.
I think caring for your parents is the hardest thing. I am glad I found your blog to be able to read your comments and others as well.
I cannot tell you how much it has helped me get though some days.
I too loved the story on Jim and Paul and also believe that laughter will get you through the most difficult days.
Good luck to you Bill with your mother and thank you for letting me come here and say what I feel about this thing we call life.
And watch out for those ladies in the produce sections!
WOW DONA
What a great and heartfelt post. I'm so glad you found my blog and post on it.
That you are at your parents house is very interesting to me because one of the regrets that I had with my dad was not selling my house and moving in with them to take care of him full time. Now reading your post I kind of feel better about not doing that. I just can't imagine what it must have been like to have to give up your home and freedom. Wow, I hope you win the lottery before I do you deserve it.
I can also relate to the child like behaviour as my dad had dementia and was often childlike. The hardest part of dealing with that was having the man that I loved so much not being himself. Not being whole.
Dona you have to be an amazing person for caring for so many of your elderly relatives and for the sacrifices that you no doubt had to make.
I hope the elevator will start moving towards the top soon. Part of what makes the emotions so tough when you are dealing with caring for elderly parents is 1. There never seems to be an end in sight or 2. The end is a result of a tragic event, the lost of a loved one.
My brother disappeared and has stayed out of the caring for the elderly parent and is quite happy to have someone else do it so he doesn't have to. My sister would help if she lived here but she doesn't so like you the burden is on me as it is you.
I can't imagine having a spouse through the caregiving I've done with my dad and mom. The spouse would no doubt see the change in personality at times (and caregiving does change us once in a while) and might often feel the need for more time from us. Hugs to you for handling that situation and for the spouse for trying.
Dona, watch our for you own health. My went down the tubes for years until I just said no, I can't allow this to happen and started healthier behaviour. So please watch out for your own health.
Watching a stroke is one of the most frightening experiences anyone can have. I'm glad your dad has no lasting effects and can still golf! You probably were the reason for that by getting him help right away. It is very critical in strokes to get help within six hours, if you hadn't of been there it would have been a lot worse!
You wouldn't be normal if you weren't dreading the day when he can no longer do what he loves.
I'm so glad my blog has helped you through some days. Please feel free to post your feelings anywhere, anytime on my blog. It is yours too. We are all in this together.
The lady in the produce section is a start! First, a 92 year-old, next it might be an 80 year-old!
Thanks again for your post, I'm sure the others will appreciate it as well.
Bill
Very theraputic blog... Thanks again Bill for opening the subject. We all needed to share.
BTW: We have my Dad's ashes, too. Dad wanted to be spread over his brothers land in Arkansas. After the memorial service, Mother would have nothing to do with that. So .. we share his ashes until Mother is gone and we can follow thru with his wishes. By sharing, on the anniversary of his death (a week before Christmas), we have a star lighting ceremony and toast to his memory. The star lighting is special because my brother refurbished a 4-foot wide 5-pointed star Dad made back when we were all in elementry school. Dad use to attach it to the chimeny and you could see it for blocks around. So, brother fixed it up, puts it up on his home, and we gather in memory of Dad. At that time, we pass his ashed to the next so Dad gets to visit us for a year at a time.
Due to odd circumstances, I had Dad here for 2 years. I did the same, would talk to him and could really feel his presence then. One Saturday I was working in the garage and the sense of him was so strong... I couldn't help but stop and say "Hi, Dad... I know you're here." It made me smile. Dad loved puttering in the garage.
Not as odd as having an old radio start playing a significant song... but they are here, they are our angels. God bless them.
Hi Kaye
I absolutely love the Christmas story about your dad and the annual ceremony. That is really touching.
Wow, I post something that shows something weird that I do and someonone posts that they do the same thing! I know our dads are listening to us.
Thanks for posting Kaye, sharing does help.
Bill
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