Today is the second update Friday. This is the day you get to tell me how your week has been and what is going in your life. For those caring for elderly parents this your day to vent and catch us all up on what is going on with you. For those of you not caring for elderly parents we would still like to know what is up with you and how your life is going. For the people new to the blog this is a good day to introduce yourself and tell us something about yourself.
My week has been up and down. Like most of my weeks. Sunday was spent recovering from a cold. Monday was the day to take Mom to the library to get more books. That woman is a reading fool. God love her. Tuesday it was taking Mom to lunch, the post office, and to the bank. Then I went home and spent the rest of the day/night watching the election coverage. On Wednesday afternoon I went to a high school girls soccer match. My nephew's daughter, Katie, made first team all conference as a defender this year. Her team, Churchill, made the 5-A playoffs. They were playing Cleveland High in the second round of the playoffs. Cleveland is located in Portland. I like to support my family. My brother is in Wyoming so can't really support his granddaughter by going to her matches so I've taken up the responsibility. It was really a cold and rainy afternoon but it was worth it. Katie played great. They upset Cleveland by scoring a goal in overtime. Cleveland was a huge favorite. I went to the comedy class directly from the match. Churchill now moves on the final eight. Their next match is at Mountain View of Bend, Oregon. I don't think I will attend that one because it is a three hour drive and by the time I got back home it would be the wee hours of the morning. Yesterday I took Mom grocery shopping and out to a nice lunch.. Today it is a work day. I'm sending out ten resumes to in the Portland area. Monday I will send out resumes to the Seattle area. I am still considering whether or not I should send out resumes to other cities.
Things are sometimes difficult with mom sometime not so difficult. The really difficult part is how fast my mom is declining. Watching that decline close up is just one of the worst experiences anyone can experience. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. The good part is Mom is enjoying being at home and is still sound enough mentally to read three books or more a week.
OK, the blog is yours. Tell me what is going on with you!
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Oh...so I am first? Well Allrighty here goes.
OK, I think most of you here realize I don't actually care for my dad in the way most of you do, as he is still physically active, but other than dress him, or wipe his booty, I do most other things for him. So this week started crummy. Sunday as he left for church he left me a note to refill one of his prescriptions. Now keep in mind he has a computer, and a phone, and I have set his account up both ways so all he has to do is get on the computer or simply make a phone call. But instead he leaves a note.
Of course as with the last time his prescriptions needed refilling, he waited until they were expired.
He had never taken pills before this past January, and now only takes 2, and since his mind is still good I haven't been as into it as I was with my mother. So didn't keep on track with the refills. But I surely hoped he wouldn't do it again with the not paying attention they expired.
So that was a couple of day thing with calling, waiting to be called back and so on. (I am sure most of you have been there)
Then there is the thing with his daily paper. OMG...if I have changed that newspaper subscription once, I have changed it 5 times since living here!
Another day on the telephone changing that.
All the calls can be a huge problem for me, as most want to talk to dad but he leaves early goes golfing and just when I think I can wait to do it when he is here, he doesn't come home til after most doctors offices are closed.
Then for some reason he decided to use a tape/radio player that was my mothers to listen to some music. I don't think I have to go into that, if any of you have parents that can't seem to work the VCR, no matter how many times you show them...it was pretty much the same deal.
And of course another day was spent with the VCR.
Two days started off bad as I have to make appointments for myself and my husband for the restroom in the mornings. Otherwise he will just go in there whenever he feels like it and stay for about 45 minutes! This is the most hardest for us. Only one restroom. But its funny as we will tell him a time we have to leave so therefore we both have to get into the restroom before to do our thing, and he will inevetibly sneak into it anyhow. This is a huge problem.
I could go on...but think I will stop here. This all sounds silly or petty when I read it back...and its mostly silly little things like this that can really stress a care giver out...............but Bill, you said I could do it! :) so thanks
Hi Dona
Thanks for being first. I'm glad you unloaded here. You can do it any time that you want. And I don't think anything you said was petty.
The drug thing would be frustrating for me for two reasons:
One he is depending on you to do things he can do which indicates he doesn't really get or care how much you have on your plate with your husband and life in general. And two, it is dangerous for him to foget to refill his prescriptions.
The daily paper is similiar to what mom has going on with the cable company. I've bet she has called them three times and me at least once.
Don't get me started on the elderly and electronics. Mom ends a conversation on the phone and then forgets to hang it up. I call and call and get the busy signal and eventually have to get in my car and drive the ten mile round trip to tell her that her phone is off the hook. She has done this probably ten times in the last two weeks. The last time I blew it. I told her the next time she doesn't hang up the phone she is on her own. Haven't had a problem since.
The fact that he stays in the rest room so long tells me he doesn't really care about the others living in his house. My mom is the same thing they want everything to center around them and the heck with anyone else.
Vent here anytime!!
Bill
My week was again so boring that I can't remember what I did except for today, when I went with some friends to the Museum of Contemporary Art. We saw some strange and interesting stuff,had lunch al fresco, then took the bus to Chinatown, where we looked in vain for some galleries that are supposed to be there and aren't. Even with that failure, it was a nice day.
My mother has been fine and calm for the last two evenings, after one when she was all over the place. She seems to be on her own schedule and her crazy and agitated days occur with no cause that anyone can see. But she remains something of a favorite at the place because while she can be a handful, she doesn't get hostile, and thanks people when they do something for her. It could be worse.
Dona, I feel for you. The bathroom thing would drive me insane, and the electronics thing did drive me insane for several years when I'd get "the phone call" where I'd have to explain again which remote to use and what little red lights had to be on for the tv to function, and that the cable box was that box that sits on top of the tv, and so on.
With the pills, I used to put them into little boxes, morning, noon, night for each day of the week. If you're not doing that, perhaps you could withhold a week's supply out of each prescription, so that when he tells you he's out of them, you can produce your secret stash to hold him over while you take a few days to get refills. That's what I do with my own, so I don't get caught short on a weekend or a day when the pharmacist has to order them.
Thanks Pat for the idea on the holding back a stash! I honestly never thought of that! He doesn't want the weekly reminder thing..he is too stubborn for that. Or maybe he just saw my mother doing it for so long and doesn't want to be like her. But I liked your idea and will probably do it. I have so many reminder notes pasted up in my room it looks like I am trying to decorate with them and so I just stopped looking at them! lol
I am so astonished on the electronic thing but am also a bit sensitive to it as I dreaded the phone call from my mother for years on the vcr, tv remote etc...until she asked me for a detailed drawing of how to work the phone..I knew something was terribly wrong then. But can't for the life of me understand how my dad cannot work any of those. I just pray each night I don't have that problem in the years to come!!!
And Bill, yes he does depend on me for everything. When I go with him to the doctor, he refers to me as his ears, eyes, and his live in secretary. The secretary thing just drives my husband nuts.
Anyhow, thanks for the great idea on the pills. And thanks again Bill. I feel better to have gotten something out somewhere else instead of the usual of saying it all to the husband!
Hi Pat
It sounds like a really fun time going to the Museum. I love going to the Oregon Museum of Science and Industry here. China Town in any city is always a fun thing to do in any city. Did you stop somehwere to have Chineses food?
I'm pleased that the last two evening your mom has been fine but very sad that you had to deal with teh night your mom was all over the map. It is amazing your mom doesn't get hostile dad did once in a while with demantia.
Great suggestion for Dona!
Bill
Hi Again Dona
You know you don't have to wait until Friday's to vent. You can do it on any thread on any day. Although venting on the comedy class threads might be ironic.
I wonder if with your dad it isn't so much not wanting to be like your mother as it is being scared that he is failing in some ways.
I'm with your husband on the secretary thing, it would drive me nuts too.
Bill
Dona, I'm so pleased you like my idea of holding back a week's worth of pills. My memory is generally fine, but I can get caught short and it works for me, so I hope it works well for you.
As to the electronics thing, I have wondered whether I'll get stymied by stuff like that as I age further. I suspect not, since I've sort of been in on the advent of VCRs and DVDs and CDs and cable boxes, so it should be deeply ingrained by the time I get senile. But of course, there's new stuff all the time, and after six years of retirement, I'd be totally stumped by the new equipment being used in my old line of work, so who knows? Stay tuned and we'll all find out.
Bill, no Chinese food. We had lunch at an Italian place next door to the museum before heading to Chinatown. At that point, it hadn't been decided where we'd go next. The other option was Central Market and the Bradbury Bldg, where there is some kind of gallery. Maybe next time.
It was another week of going here. The good news is that I got to the pool three days, with some judicious scheduling.
Saturday I spent at Mom's, scrubbing and scouring, in preparation for my sister's visit. It's obvious Mom's vision is going, as she would never have allowed things to reach the state I found. Monday I stopped by to catalog what else needed doing and drop off our medicare walker for her neighbor, whose Mom has fallen three times in the last two weeks and he's very concerned (He's the quadraplegic I've mentioned, with such a great attitude and so much concern for his mother.) Tuesday we picked Mom up and took her to vote, then on a short leaf-peeping excursion. Wednesday I took Mom to line dance with me, we left halfway through to take her to the podiatrist. From there to Costco, so she could stock up for sister's visit. Thursday we saw her internist (sp?), did the regular grocery shopping for the visit. Got home around 5:30 or 6:00 both evenings. Spent the afternoon today at her place, changing beds, putting in a multiple plug, so all the TV stuff and tree could be plugged in, hauling out groceries and recycles, picking up her prescriptions, putting boxes back in the storeroom, etc.
Good News: While I was there, Mom said, "If I had the money and could afford it, I'd move into assisted living and not have to deal with a lot of this." I explained to her there was a possibility she could get assistance for assisted living costs and a whole lot of other stuff, but that we needed to gather her information and talk to an elder care att'y and she'd said she did't need to, because she was going to move in with Deb. I pointed out we didn't have a clue what Deb's plans were, other than she says she's going to sell the house in Phoenix, but who knows when. I then sequed to the fact that I was very concerned that we didn't know what benefits were available, but more concerned she had no living will, no medical directive, I had no power of attorney and took the dive and painted a worst case scenario, where she was hauled to ER and I would have no say in her care, if she was unable to make decisions, so the hospital crew would make all decisions. She admitted she'd not thought about all this, although she worried a lot at night about what would happen if she lost her vision, her mobility, fell. She agrees she needs a living will and I need a power of attorney for medical and financial purposes. Bottom line: At this point, I'm calling the ECA next week to find out exactly what he needs, what he can do and what it's going to cost.
Now, I'm asking each of you to pray or send positive light and vibes, whatever your belief, that Rhonda will not try to get Mom to change her mind on this, because my youngest sister is against it all and those two talk almost daily. I think, with Mom's current situation, she's at the point where she realizes she needs information and, while we hope for the best, we need to be prepared for the event she may reach the point where living alone without help isn't an option, we don't know Deb's plans or schedules and we can't wait for some sort of crisis to start dealing with reality.While I'd like to strike while the iron's hot, there's not a lot I can do during Rho's visit, which is dedicated to the two of them enjoying time together and only one doctor app't.
Dona, I can only imagine your frustration, living with your dad, when he's fully capable of caring for himself (based on the golfing and all), but refuses to do what he can assign to you. Pat's idea is a good one. I'm familiar with the pill syndrome -- calls on Saturday noon advising she's out of a prescription and it's expired. Doctors aren't in and the drug store is closed on Sunday. Fortunately, Browning will usually let me run down and pick up three or four pills, until I can get it straightened out, but it's the hassle factor. Don't know what to tell you about the electronics -- I'm challenged myself and rely on Himself to deal with that sort of thing but, yes, there have been numerous occasions when he's had to go down and sort out the remotes and see what she's unplugged or changed or whatever. As to the restroom issue -- it sounds like a nightmare and I have no clue how to resolve it, since it doesn't sound like Dad listens to your needs.
Bill, you had a full week and, yeah, the ups and downs seem to be typical. As Himself said, in our latest chat, Mom has no idea how her needs and wants and health and emotions have impacted our lives on a daily basis and overall the last four years and especially the last year. And, yes, watching the decline... Mom still lives alone, without a caretaker beyond myself, but I'm not sure how long that may last. Watching her mobility fail, listening to her daily litany of complaints -- which are certainly valid -- and now the vision issue. She finally admitted today she's signing stuff (like the apt lease) without reading them, because of her vision. It seems like each day there's another issue of "can't do" or "too difficult to do" and this is hard for me to deal with, given how independent she's always been. It's one of the things the sibs don't see and don't comprehend. I'm glad to hear Mom is happy at home and hope the caretakers situation continues to work well. So glad you were able to enjoy Katie's soccer match and can stand in for your brother and hope you enjoy it and she enjoys and appreciates you and your attention.
Pat, I'm glad to hear your mom has had good days, after the bad one. I think part of the roller coaster is that we never know what to expect. With your mom, it's emotional and mental. With mine, it's physical -- will she get out of bed today or will she just get up to take her pills, eat something and nothing else, because she hurts or has dizziness or whatever. It's the unknown that's so unsettling for me and I suspect for you as well?
Kaye, we've not heard from you. I hope all is well.
To everyone who's caring for an elder parent, all of us in a variety of circumsntaces: It occurred to me yesterday that most of us are in our sixties/
seventies, the years we were brought up to believe were our retirement years, the years we'd be free of the responsibilities of children, jobs and the like. Yet, we find ourselves buried in the responsibilities of caring for our parents. We love them dearly. I wouldn't trade the time I have with Mom and the ability to care for her. But... at the same time, many of us aren't doing what we expected. All of us, in one way or another, have given up the things we thought we'd be doing, the freedom we expected we'd have, the fun stuff we planned. Mostly, though, the freedom, I sometimes think. And, too often, we're not caring for ourselves, because there doesn't seem to be time. Some of us are still working, some trying to juggle work/parents/
husbands and our own needs. I don't have any answers, but I'm so grateful to Bill for giving us a place to post, share, vent, garner suggestions.
DR, I'm glad to hear your mom is beginning to listen to your pleas to get everything in order. I hope she continues to listen and that you can get all the paperwork you need before you need it. One thing I'll warn you about... my experience is that banks don't want to honor powers of attorney. Apparently they are too easy to fake. They want either a conservatorship or for you to be a trustee on a living trust, so if you get a living trust, I'd try to be a co-trustee so that you don't have to have her sign off on the trust when she might be unwilling to do so.
You are exactly right on the subject of what we are doing with this time in our lives. I often contemplate that after working like a galley slave for almost 50 years, this retirement time should be my time, and so far, it sure isn't. Grumble, grump.
I agree...Grumpity, Grump!
:)
Hi Pat
Just wanted to mention to you and Dona that most pharmacies will give you enough pills to get you through the days until they can get the prescription filled for you. So if you hit them on a Saturday they will give you the two days worth and then deduct them from the pills when the prescription is filled.
Central Market actually sounds kind of fun.
Bill
Hi DR
I've talked to Kaye a couple of times in IM and she is doing good just with her mom, her work, her business, and the holidays she is on overload.
I'm happy that you were able to get to the pool three times this week and do something for yourself!
You just reminded me I have to call the podiatrist for mom and myself!
I'm extremely happy that your mom is now thinking about both assisted living (thinking about it is a start) and is willing to talk about advance directives. I so hope the other siblings get on board with it! And even if she moves in with Deb, the worst situation doesn't change just the people involved. It becomes Deb instead of you, so there still is a need for an advance directive etc.
I'm grateful for all of your here and are willing to post about your trials and tribulations of caring for parents.
Bill
Good tip about the pharmacy giving you a couple of tide-over pills, Bill. I have done that only once, as my hold-back plan works well for me and keeps my pharmacist happy since I give him a couple of days for each refill.
Grand Central Market is a trip, and I wish we'd gone there instead of Chinatown. But it'll be there, and we'll get there one of these times.
Hi Pat
If I get to LA in this lifetime we can go to the market together! And if you visit Portland we can go to Higgins & Saturday Market!
Bill
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