This is update day or better yet we can refer to it as caring and sharing day because I do care about all of you and want to hear about what is going on in your lives. This is the day you tell me the joys you have experienced the last week or the tribulations that you have gone through. It can be about caring for elderly parents but it doesn't have to be. It can be just about anything that you want to talk about. The more I learn about you the happier I am so make me happy and let me know about your life! If you have been lurking and haven't posted yet this would be a good day to introduce yourself. I'm also going to add one thing to sharing and caring day, it is ask me anything. Ask me anything you want to know about me and I will answer all questions.
For me, this has been one of the best and most amazing weeks that I've had in ages. With the stock market decline I really have been in my own personal economic crisis. Monday I picked ten CPA firms at random that are close to where I live and sent out ten letters telling the firms I was available to work this tax seasons. Tuesday was a holiday so there was no mail. Wednesday morning I got a phone call from one of the firms. They are interested in me working fifty hours a week during tax season. The woman I talked to sounded so great. I have an interview with them this next Tuesday at 2:30. Wish me luck!
My dad had five sisters. Nola, Augusta, Emily, Clara, and Ella. I was close to all but Nola whom died when I was a very young man. Augusta lived in Glendale, California and when I visited them during my high school years she and Uncle Bob would take me to Dodger games. Emily lived in Longmont, Colorado which we visited every Thanksgiving during my childhood. I learned things like how to use a pogo stick. Clara and Ella both lived in the San Francisco area until their sixties when they moved to Sun City, California. Clara died in 2004. She was a lovely lady. Until March of 2007 Ella was my dad's last living sister. She passed away 3-04-07. I learned this week that her estate is settled, that the distributions are going to be mailed out next week, and that I am one of the heirs. I'm stunned. I am really pleased that Aunt Ella remembered me. The only asset Aunt Ella had was her home so what I get will be a very small amount. Any amount will be helpful right now, what is more important than money is the love my Aunt Ella showed when she was alive and in her passing on by remembering me.
The rest of the week was very enjoyable. Thursday, former clients, Mark and Sandra, drove down from Seattle to have lunch with me. They also know Mom from when Mom worked in my office. They wanted to know if she would join us for lunch and she did. It not only was an amazing lunch but it was an amazing conversation. Turns out that their relatives grew up in the Midwest in the same area Mom and Dad lived and at the time they lived there. This was maybe seventy years ago. Mom actually danced with some of Mark's relatives. Such a small world. It gets better too. My dad managed a hardware store in Great Falls, Montana. Above the store was what we will call a hotel. Turns out Mark's relatives ran that hotel, the only one in Great Falls at the time. The food was great and the conversation was extremely interesting. Mom had a great time. Can life be any better?
The other days of the week? Sunday was brunch with Ted, his wife Sandy, and friend Bill E. Ted and Sandy are well known in the Democratic party so were elated with the election. Bill E. is a really nice man and a McCain supporter. We had a really nice interesting conversation because nobody got upset about the other's views, it was sort of like a round table. Monday I took Mom shoe shopping. Wednesday took Mom to the library. Friday it was taking Mom grocery shopping.
OK, the blog is now yours. Catch me up.
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22 comments:
Well, you had quite a week, didn't you! I was sure if you wanted work, you'd get it, but 50 hours a week is a lot, assuming you'll still be giving your regular guys some time, plus the mom stuff. Maybe you can negotiate? OTOH, I'm sure you worked more than 50 hours when you were on your own, so maybe this doesn't sound too bad.
Lovely to find out you're an heir, even if it's a small amount. It's so nice to be remembered in that way.
One new thing on the Mom front. The doc had prescribed both Elavil and Lunesta (actually generics, but I forget the chemical names) at bedtime to try to get mom to sleep through the night. No dice. So just to see how it worked, I told them to give the Elavil earlier, around 3 or 4 p.m., when she starts the "sundowning" worry and agitation. It has worked quite well for about a week now. She will probably never sleep through the night, but she's much calmer in the evenings from before dinner until bedtime, and that's nice for her and for everybody else, too. Mostly me, because it's all about me, you know. [S]
Sounds like you had a good week, Bill, with lots of neat stuff. What fun, the lunch with the clients who found so many connections with your mom. Great news about the upcoming interview. I'm with Pat -- can you negotiate hours, given the care and time your mom needs? This week it was only four days (g).
Pat, good job on deciding to stagger the meds and the good results!
Me? Been an interesting week, with R's visit (middle sister, from CA). Once I adjusted to the fact she didn't come to help, but to vacation, it got easier. Saturday,after she arrived, we took everyone to dinner. Sunday, she surprised me with a visit from her and Mom for the afternoon, since R wasn't ready to sit around the apt. Monday I got some work done. Tuesday, we met them for dinner at KFC buffet, then took Rho to exchange her 2 door for a 4 door, so she could get Mom's walker in the car. That was a 2+ hour fiasco, which should have taken an hour or less, but the India-based c/s person told her to go to the G'ville downtown airport. Thank God I decided to go with her, because where we really needed to be was the outlying GSP int'l airport. Took Rho to line dance with me Wednesday and it was fun watching her have fun (she'd never done LD before - picked it up like a duck to water). Thursday I got in some editorial time. Friday, took Rho and Mom to lunch at Fall's Cottage downtown, showed Rho the park (ho hum, she indicated), located the Bilo Ctr parking and toured downtown, then on to the retina specialist. Mom's eyesight in right has improved again and we'll do another injection Monday (didn't want to do it Friday and spoil Rho's visit with possible reactions). That night we went to the Celtic Thunder concert -- Senior Action had comp tickets for the line dancers and one couldn't go and gave me her ticket for Mom. Fabulous show, great seats. Today, Rho wanted to visit a Christmas bazaar and Hammricks. Tomorrow she leaves.
The good news is she and Mom have had a lot of time together. The marginal news is she's been of little practical help to Mom, because she considered this a vacation, not a "helping" trip and I haven't had the break I anticipated, but have been able to spend some time with Rho and get some insight to where she's at. The bad news is, Rho refuses to see what's happening with Mom's mobility and vision and has been more intent on her own entertainment than observing Mom, so Mother is exhausted and literally barely able to put one foot in front of the other the last few days. Her eating schedule is all out of kilter (Rho figures they shouldn't have to cook, since she's on vacation), her blood sugar is up, etc. I figure it's going to take a week or more of recovery. Bill, I keep thinking of you talking about the ramifications of your sister's visits and, while the issues are a bit different, yeah, I anticipate picking up the pieces for the next couple weeks. The good news about this is that I recognize that Rho is not recognizing Mom's issues, frailities, potential problems and current considerations and there's likely no support from that quarter as a result, so I know where I'm at now with two of the three siblings, more or less (wry s).
I did get in my pool and LD time (self defense against the APD), but editorial hours suffered badly and there's a lot of catch up to be done. At least, with Himself off hunting, he wasn't neglected.
Overall, the week scored somewhere between 3 and 5, on a scale of 10, and I learned again that one should not use expectations to set oneself up for failure.
Hi Pat
You are about the least all about you person I know!
How great is it that you were able to experiment with your mom's drugs and it is working! Way to go, Pat!
What everyone needs to remember is tax season is only a six to eight week window. So whatever I do will be for the short term. My goal is to make as much money as I can in the shortest period of time for three reasons: 1) Making a lot of money in two months frees me up the rest of the year to do some the things I wanted to do this year but couldn't like the LA trip. 2) My retirement fund is pretty non-existent right now thanks to the stock market and I need to build it back up. Which I can do with work and royalties. 3) Start the separation from mom which I haven't been able to do because I've just found it to emotionally hard. With other obligations it becomes easier. The separation is important because I really don't think mom will be around after next year and I know that will emotionally destroy me. So if I separate a little before that it becomes a little easier.
Aunt Ella had ten nieces and nephews so assuming all were mentioned in her estate the pickings are slim. Before Aunt Ella died had spent a lot of time talking to her and emailing her. I pretty much know it will be enough to buy a cup of coffee at Starbucks.
Bill
Hi Dr
Yes it was a good week. See my comments to Pat about the tax season work schedule. They actually said 55 hours a week. I will also be working Sundays with the firm that bought my business. Then there are some relatives that I do tax returns for. And mom will survive without me! And it was five days this week I esd just to embarassed to mention the fifth day lol.
That just sucks that R didn't come to help. I thought it would be a well deserved break for you.At least with the car change to accomodate the walker she got just a tiny dose of what you have to deal with to care for a parent.
The line dancing sounds like it was fun for both of you and quality time with your sister.
YEA!!! To your mom's eyesight continuing to improve!
She show sounds like a hoot.
I'm glad Rho and your mom got to spend some time together. I'm stunned that Rho wouldn't at least offer to give you break just for one freaking day would have been nice. Rho sounds a tad selfish although it doesn't surprise me that she doesn't want to face her mom's decline. That is pretty normal for the fringe siblings.
From now on you need to make the decisions with your mom that are best for you and for what you see as best for your mom and the heck with your siblings.
I hope one of your weeks will be an eight to ten. You deserve it.
Bill
Okay, Bill, I bow to your assessment of how much you want to and are able to work for just the tax season, and I hope you make a bundle!
DR, how frustrating to not even really get a break from Rho's visit. It amazes me how people can be so blind to a parent's deterioration, though I suppose I was, myself, in a way. I sure didn't see a complete meltdown coming, though of course I saw deterioration. Is it possible for you to sit Rho down and make her look the future in the eye, or is it better for you to just grit your teeth and be in charge? You probably will be in any case, and I'm at least glad for your mom that you're up for it.
All right, I'm coming out of lurking. Especially as a reader here has ventured on my blog and left such a kind message. Bill, did you ever think when you started this blog that not only have you provided a place of support for people with elderly parents, you've also created a circle of friendship across the world.
Perhaps it was the time difference between the US and Singapore or maybe I was just up late last night, but when I read this post, there weren't any comments yet and I was too shy to be the first, particularly as I seldom comment here.
The past week, or weeks really, has been strange for me. My father-in-law passed away three weeks ago. He died in his sleep, from water in his lungs. He had been on dialysis for more than a year and was also diabetic. Nevertheless, we didn't expect it at the time. I was actually flying to Vietnam for a work junket the morning he died, and my husband didn't want to tell me. I was uncontactable for four hours anyway, and in that time, he had decided on the arrangements and didn't want me to get off the plane only to get back on it. It was a short three-day trip and he reasoned that I'd be back soon enough. My mother-in-law agreed with him and he had also told my mother and some friends not to let me know. However, some friends didn't realise that and didn't know that I was away so later that night when I finally turned my cellphone on and could latch onto the local network, I found some very strange text messages. I couldn't reach my husband so called a friend, and he very reluctantly broke the news to me.
So in the past couple of weeks, we have been settling affairs and family matters. As for my own parents -- I don't live with them -- both are fine. Earlier this year in January, I had hired a domestic helper for my mother. It was obvious that she couldn't cope alone with dad, and that was the time when his feeding tube was newly installed and there were new things to deal with. Initially, the domestic helper was doing fine but a few months later, things were beginning to fray. My mother isn't the easiest person to work for and she clearly resented a stranger in her house yet she also couldn't do without her. By last month, the two were openly arguing and my mother decided to fire the helper. Her last day was the Thursday past. On Friday, my husband brought my mum to the maid agency and began the process of sourcing for another helper. In the meantime, my mother insists that she can manage on her own. For one, Dad doesn't have the feeding tube any longer. But I worry about the two elderly folks alone, although they have the greatest neighbours -- they've popped in to change light bulbs, for example, and have also driven Dad to hospital in an emergency.
Also last week, Mum's 20-year-old fridge finally kicked the bucket. That magnetic strip that holds the door shut had finally given way and she actually used Blue Tack to hold the fridge door closed! We took her down to the electrical shop where she picked a new fridge and it was delivered yesterday and she's quite pleased with it.
So that's been my week with my parents. Quite eventful, eh?
I wish everyone here well. Have a good week ahead.
First, Snugpug....What a few weeks you have had! I continue to think about you and all who I read about here on Bill's blog..its kinda like we are all in the same boat and that in a strange way has helped me. I am like you in that I didn't want to be first here! (I was first on the update day last week, didn't want to seem too eager :)
OK then, to Bill. Sounds like all that work you did sending out letters is paying off. Good for you.
That is too cool too about your Aunt Ella. No matter how much you get it is nice to be remembered in such a way.
Sounds like things are going good with your mother too. That's really good.
I am not sure I have enough space here to talk about my week.
I actually decided to write my feelings on my blog and then deleted it after one day on there.
(you know woman's prerogative)
But will say it has been an experience that ended in me calling 911 last night.
I will say that my dad has done some very unusual, strange things this week. All that were out of character for him. It has been an up down week for me mentally.
Last one being leaving Friday on a trip out of state that was to last until Monday.
Around 11pm last night we heard our new alarm go off outside and then someone banging at the back door.
Now here I need to say that NO ONE comes here. EVER. WE have no visitors. EVER. So for someone to be knocking at the back door at 11pm was unusual...especially after our robbery in the last few weeks.
So we are a bit on the edge with that.
So then after several calls to who it was and no answer my hubby grabbed the shotgun and I called 911.
After several grueling minutes which seemed like an hour in which the 911 operator would tell us what we should be doing and all the while my husband holding a shotgun towards the back door in case they stormed through it, that person moved and we saw it was my dad.
OMG is all I can say. He scared us to death. He has a key. Didn't use it. Just stood there at the back door pounding on it.
He cannot hear so, it was natural for him to not have heard us scream who is there...but why on earth when we did turn on the lights outback did he not say HEY OPEN THE DOOR or its me dad or something?
Needless to say last night was the end to an already exhausting week.
I have called 911 twice in the last 3/4 weeks.
I bet soon they will have my picture up and my name will be on the tip of their tongues if things keep going the way they did this week.
Bill....do you have any more of that Police Crime Scene tape left? :)
Hi Pat
A lot of what I am doing I am doing to plan for life without my mom. Work will also allow me to make new friends.
Good questions that you asked DR.
Bill
Hello My Friend
WHAT A WEEK!
I'm so pleased that you posted. The reader that posted on your blog is one of my favorites.
When I started my blog I didn't think anyone would read it. I thought I would be the only one reading my own writing. The most enjoyable thing for me is to learn more about all of you and the most elated I get is when friends connect with friends. The fact that they are all around the world is just to overwhelming for me.
Snug don't worry about how often you comment here. We know you are busy just comment whenever you feel the mood. We always love to hear from you.
Hugs on the passing of your Father-In-law. I'm glad he died in his sleep but have so much empathy for you for losing your loved one.
It had to be stressful for you to be away at the time but I like that your husband was so considerate. I am sorry that you had to learn about from someone other than your husband.
Your mom dealing with a domestic helper reminds me so much of my mom. There just isn't a caregiver that Mom doesn't complain about. Luckily it hasn't got to the arguing stage with the new ones yet. Although it did with one that we had before mom moved into assisted living and she quit after being yelled at. I think your mom's reaction to a stranger in a house is somewhat normal for the elderly. I know when my dad was alive my mom was just like yours. Even as her own health declined.
I would worry about two elderly people living alone. That is a justifiable concern. Thank God your parents have good neighbors.
The fridge kicking the bucket is anything but minor. It is that type of thing that when we have a perfect life is easy to handle but when it goes during the time that we are greiving over the loss of a loved one, trying to understand elderly parents, bringing in new caregivers, the fridge can be thing that causes the house of card to fall. Yes that got a new fridge for you parents!
I think eventful week is an understatement.
I hope your next week is not only better but great!
Bill
Hi Dona
Holy jumping and down Martha what a horrible experience with your dad knocking on the door. That is frightening in so many ways.
We are all in the same boat, Dona, and it is helpful. Everyone of yours and others' posts offer comfort for me and I think others too.
If you ever find that Google doesn't give you enough space to respond and you have more to say post two or three message until all you want to say is out there. Better then keeping it inside!
I hope things even out with your dad so he quits doing uncharactisic things and that will allow your emotions to even out a bit more. You really do deserve some good things to happen to you.
After the robbery I would have been frigthened by the knock also.
Did your dad have the key with him? Or did he leave it behind? It boggles the mind that he wouldn't use it if he had it.
The good thing is that 911 knows where you are at!
The police tape is on the way!
Bill
Bill, my dad had his keys in his hand when he came through the door!
It was all too weird. Like my mom used to say, he looked at me like I had 3 heads when I asked him why he didn't use his keys.
Yes it was an experience and myself and hubby had a hard time getting to sleep last night.
My dad actually laughed it off this morning and told hubby that next time he needs to make sure to open the door and pull him in before he pulls the trigger...
What? There's going to be a NEXT TIME?
Hi Dona
This is really a sore subject and I probably shouldn't bring it up but maybe you can benefit from my experience but your dad is acting a lot like my dad was before we discovered he had dementia. Have you thought about having him tested?
Hugs, Dona. You are just going through to much.
Bill
Bill, thank you on the clarification on the tax season work. Sounds doable.I hear you on the need to work to make up for what's happening to our retirement funds -- hate to even open the envelopes from my IRA account these days. Also on the separation issue... for those of us looking at that, it makes all kinds of decisions and emotions double-edged, doesn't it? As to Rho... see my separate post I'll do next.
Pat, I agree with Bill - you're one of the least "about Me" people I've ever known and I've "known" you what -- ten or twelve years now?
Snugbug, you've had a rough few weeks and I'm glad you were able to share with us. Loss is hard and to find out, as you did, is maybe harder. And the situation with your own folks... it's never easy, is it? You want them to have their independence, but you want a bit of peace of mind for yourself. Yes, it sounds like things have been a bit overwhelming and I hope you're holding up and taking some care of yourself, as well as others.
Dona, the thing with your dad sounds scary and very unsettling. I agree with Bill -- any chance of having him tested for dementia. We've not see that with Mom, but we did with my grandmoother, a ormer and current next door neighbor and it's sort of an insiduous (sp) creeping thing that happens and you don't notice, if you're right there. Hugs to you and the Hubster and hopes that all will be well.
Posting this seperately. A flash of enlightenment this morning.
Realized that much of my grumping has been due to the fact that I have unrealistic expectations of my siblings -- sometimes Mom. I have certain expectations of them (which they're unaware of) and when they don't meet those expectations, I get frustrated and then judgemental and then gripe and groan and (hate this part) consider myself a victim of sorts. Toptally unrealistic of me and a great contributor to stress and anxiety. Had I not had certain expectaions (not listed for her) of my sister's visit, I would have enjoyed the time more and been less frustrated. I expected a 'helping/working' visit and she expected a vacation. Had I been realistic and accepted that, I'd probably have enjoyed the past week more.
Am working now on remembering that people don't change, even if circumstances do. What is, is. Can't change people, only my own reaction to their actions or nonactions. Need to remember the Tao philosophy -- observe, accept, dont' judge and don't force.
Don't know where the rest of you are at on this, but it became clear to me this AM that I'm creating a certain amount of my own stress becasue I'm expecting other people in my life and family to share my concerns and such, when they're not willing or able to do so.
Hi Dr
I quit looking at the web site of my retirement fund. Sort of like watching a train wreck.
The separation is always in the back of my find and it does influence decisions even as to how far and how long to away from home.
Bill
Hi Dr
I'm going to take a different approach and be harder on my siblings then you are on yours. My siblings know my mom is getting older they don't need a telegram to tell them that. They know I spend an inordinate portion of my life watching out for mom. I don't need to send a certified letter to tell them that.
All I expect is some support it can be either physical, like my sister offers every so often, or mental support which my brother seldom offers. Like a phone call to see how I am doing. Or a call to see if there is something they could do to help. My expectations now with my brother is it a'int going to happen.
I do agree with you, however, about that we sometimes expect to much of our elderly relative. Sometimes we don't understand how hard it is for them to do simple things like make a decision or even to get dressed to go out. I'm getting better at that and working hard to improve even more.
On your sister's visit maybe your expectations were to high. With my brother I sometimes look at my expectations of him as being to high because I am expecting him to be someone he isn't. Maybe that is were your expectations were with Rho. You were expecting to be someone she isn't, a thoughtful person offering help.
There is also another saying, you can't change people you can only change your reactions to them.
Thanks for the interesting post.
Bill
DR & Bill, very interesting about your sibs' mostly lack of help with your aging moms. I often feel sorry for myself because as an only, it's all up to me, but maybe in a way I'm better off because I don't have hopes and expectations to be dashed.
My daughter and SIL (and all you guys) do give moral support, but live at a distance that makes anything else impossible. I'm very grateful that I found a good place for my mom to live and I can trust that if something keeps me away, they will handle everything well. I do worry that if anything serious happens to me, there'll be big problems handling the logistics of her care.
To Bill and Ladydr, I find it comforting yet also odd that I agree with both of you on the subject of the sibs.
Let me explain. All the while I was reading Ladydr's revelation (if you will) on the expectations she has had with her sibs I was Like Yeah... YEAH...you nailed it! Like that is exactly how I feel, and as of this past Saturday everything Ladydr said came about for me also.
Then I read Bill's response to that and I feel as he does also.
I am upset to say the least on how my sibs have not seemed to taken any part of caring for first my mother and then dad. Even though dad is still physically fit and does mostly for himself, I am like Bill and hey how about just a 2 minute phone call at least once a month?
I think if I had been getting just that things in my mind would be different when it comes to the sibs.
I do know that when my mother was so bad, and I called my sister yet again as it was seeming to be more than I was willing to handle, she actually said to me..."Now I know you are waiting for me to say I will come up and stay with mom for a while and give you a break...but I am here to tell you its not in me to do that. I can't. I mentally can't do it. And I am sorry." Ok...I accepted that. I understood. And I figured it was the same for my brother. I honestly think some folks cannot handle the caring part, or the getting older part of their parents. And that is ok.
But dad doesn't need the caring (much) yet and it would just have been nice to have heard from either of them for the past 5 years. Like Bill says a phone call to see if anything was needed...or heck..just to say HI!
I find the lack of that in the sibs is nearly unforgivable.
With that said, as I said I feel like Ladydr as this weekend, for lack of a better way to say it..the s--- hit the fan!
I was able to tell my sister what I have been feeling in the past 5 years. My only fault was I tried to do it in 5 minutes. I even did the same with her husband...who I have known for over 40 years and have NEVER been able to speak to with any kind of AUTHORITY. I actually would go out of my way to not have to speak to him as he would always seem to belittle me in some way.
I did not back down and I said my peace. I told him to keep quiet until I said it and he did. I didn't holler and most importantly, I didn't cry. (very unusual, as I cry at the drop of a hat)
I found that there were several things he was not aware of and that spoke volumes to me in the matter of my sister. SO I like Ladydr, came away from this weekend with a new outlook on this caring for my dad thing.
I should not have expected things from my sibs when I knew in my heart they could not deliver. And then constantly feel as though I was in this alone and the victim.
Or maybe it was just that I stood up for myself, finally, and let them know I was a voice to be reasoned with?
I dunno.....but I have to say I felt absolutely wonderful today!! :)
Bill, yes my expectations for the week's visit were either too high or unrealistic, whatever. I think the visit helped me realize that I can't expect any change in support levels or understanding and that's important to know and accept.
Bro called last night, after talking to Mom very briefly. (She's been flat on her back since Rho left, saying she thinks maybe it's a flu bug. It may be, but I suspect it's total exhaustion or maybe a combination. At any rate, she's down for the count, so I stopped by with some soup and juice and such and she wouldn't let me stay). Now, Bro does understand that I (koff) need to take over and do some paperwork and check benefits and see an attorney. My only issue with him (and he does try hard) is that, as Dona mentioned, he never calls to check on me, see how I'm doing. It's always about Mom. And his standard refrain on any issue is "This isn't about you or anyone else, it's only about Mom and what she needs." Humpf! At the risk of sounding selfish, uh, what if I make it all about Mom and get sick or something happens and Ican't do what I'm doing? Who's going to take care of Mom? Huh? Just a thought (wry s). As to the sisters, Rho never calls and Deb calls only sparadoically and then to tell me what I need to be doing or discuss world affairs or anything that's not personal. And you know what really tees me off? Not once has anyone called and said, "Thank you" or "Good job on finding gel injections or the shots for MD or PT sessions.
And I do hear you on the impatience with the sibs. They can't be unaware of what's going on here, given all the updates I sent four years ago and some interim pleas for help or comments on "we need to do this and it's going to cost x" or the ones I've started sending in the past two months. But... you know, pal, we may just be doing our "jobs" too well, all of us. And, since most of us have been doing the caretaking thing for some time now, it's just assumed by others that this is what we want to do?
Pat, I think there are pros and cons to sibs. I've seen instances where everyone pitches in equally, one way or another, sometimes with physical assistance, sometimes financial help. Unfortunately, I've seen more instances like we're seeing here on Bill's blog. So, if you have helpful sibs, that's great. If you have non-supportive/non-understanding sibs, it adds to the stress of the situation, particularly if they're geographically distant and just don't "get it."
Dona, your post was interesting and I think all three of us (and probably others here who are lurking or haven't ahd a chance to post) have moments when we feel as I do and as Bill does. Good on calling your sister and talking to b-i-l and laying some things on the line. You're right, some folks just don't deal well with illness or parents failing or reality. My brother has a really hard time with that, always has had, but I give him credit for trying, even if his visits are rare. Rho doesn't deal well with illness of any kind, which made it so hard for her when her husband was ill, before he passed. She doesn't ... not sure how to explain ... doesn't see what she doesn't want to see, which means she doesn't have to cope with what she doesn't want to cope with? Her plate is full with work and adult children and she doesn't need any more hassles? At any rate, glad you made the call and that you're feeling like the world is looking better.
There aren't any pat answers, but we're all doing the best we can where we are and with what we have to work with. And I think the bottom line is that not one of us is going to have regrets about not helping, not having time with our parents, not doing all we can, when the day comes that we lose our parents, which is the inevitable outcome of life. We'll know we did all we could, did our best, even if it didn't "fix" things for them and was sometimes with a bit of impatience or frustration or just the days when we had to cope with watching our folks lose independence or mobility or whatever.
Hi Pat
I would probably feel sorry for myself too if I was the only sibling and often I feel like the only sibling because I'm the only one living near mom.
That trust in the place you have where you mom is, is very comforting.
I pray nothing happens to you!
Bill
Hi Dona
It really is comforting to know that there are people that agree with us.
I find it kind of eerie that you and Lady Dr had an epithamy on the same day!
You sister in some ways is like my brother, my brother just doesn't have the emotional capabilities to watch first my dad decline and then my mom decline. It just causes him total depression. I'm fine with that but a phone call to me shouldn't be all that depressing. I also find the like of a phone call unforgivable.
I'm actually glad that the chit hit the fan for yout his weekend because he got things out in the open. Kudos for you not backing down too!! The fact that you didn't holler or cry relayed to them how serious you were. I've notice the when I am upset and yell people write it off as an emotional outburst, but if I am upset and calmly tell them how I feel they take it seriously.
KEPP THAT WONDERFUL FEELING, YOU DID GOOD!
Bill
Hi Dr
I always learn something from your posts.
I'm glad your brother is at least realizing you have to make some decisions. Like you don't know it is about your mom but still your brother should show some love towards you!
All of us hear know you are doing a good job and I'm going to say thank you for caring for your mom. You are one in a million.
Bill
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