Before today's blog entry I wanted to mention that my cousin has a pretty neat web based business and with the holidays not to far off in the future check out her web site for some unique gift ideas:
http://www.thebarnyardgifts.com/store/
Today's idea comes from asylum.com. One of their posts several days ago mentioned moral dilemmas for the married guy. I liked but didn't agree with all of their answers. So today I wanted to get the women's point of view. Here are a some of situations they presented:
The Situation: Despite what you may have indicated to your wife when swapping old breakup stories, probably not every previous relationship you've been in failed because the woman was certifiably nuts. In fact, you may look back on some of them affectionately, to the point where you want to get together for lunch, a drink or even dinner. The temptation is to lie or to downplay the significance of the get-together by acting like it's a burdensome obligation you'd rather avoid. (My answer: Don't do anything that would hurt the spouse. Truth rules. Invite you spouse with you to meet the ex)
The situation: Any guy who ever felt like he had a brand-new superpower while wearing a pair of dark sunglasses around a city in the summer knows that there's a thrill in checking out pretty girls. And while there's no excuse for being creepy about it, a tendency to let a glance linger for a few seconds isn't something that goes away just because you've taken your vows. (Make your spouse feels like when she is with you there is no other woman around)
The Situation: When the average guy finds out that a friend of his is cheating, his tendency is probably to find a way to give his pal the benefit of the doubt. But telling your wife about it is a different story. We're all inclined to put ourselves in the shoes of the person we relate to, and that's usually going to divide along gender lines. Suddenly, the fear is that you're going to be guilty by association, and any defense of your friend that you offer is going to sound to her like you're justifying infidelity. (Truth rules. Tell my wife, hope she trusts me enough to know I act not as my friend does.)
You read their answers to the above and other situations here:
http://www.asylum.com/2009/10/30/moral-dilemmas-for-the-married-guy/?icid=main|htmlws-main-n|dl4|link3|http%3A%2F%2Fwww.asylum.com%2F2009%2F10%2F30%2Fmoral-dilemmas-for-the-married-guy%2F
How would you advise men to act in the above situations? Would your advise be different to women? Do you agree with my answers or are they to idealistic? And if you read the entire article do you agree with their take on the situations that they discuss?
TODAY'S WHO AM I
I was born in 1944 in Puerto Rico, I was born with an abnormality of the colon that posed a challenge throughout my childhood and adolescence. I was not treated until age 18, when I received an operation that resulted in complications which would trouble Me for two more years. The problems we The problems were resolved after she received treatment at the Mayo Clinic at age 20. I graduated from high school at age 15, received my Bachelor of Science degree in 1965, and earned my Doctor in Medicine (MD) Degree in 1970. I completed my internship and residency in nephrology in Michigan. I remained at Michigan on a fellowship in the Department of Internal Medicine, and spent the following year on a fellowship. From 1976 to 1978 I was in private practice in pediatrics in Virginia. In 1979 I joined the Public Health Service and received a commission in the Public Health Service Commissioned Corps (PHSCC). My first assignment was as a project officer at the National Institute of Arthritis, Metabolism and Digestive Diseases of the National Institutes of Health (NIH).[3] From 1976, she also held a clinical appointment in pediatrics at Georgetown University Hospital. I was appointed head doctor by the first President Bush. He appointed me to the temporary rank of vice admiral in the regular corps. I was the first woman and the first Hispanic to be head doctor. During my tenure I focused my attention on the health of women, children and minorities, as well as on underage drinking, smoking, and AIDS. After leaving the position as head cheese I remained in the regular corps of the Public Health Service. I was assigned the United Nations Children's Fund Special Representative for Health and Nutrition from 1993 to 1996 reverting back to my permanent two-star rank of rear admiral. In 1999 I went to work for the State of New York as a commissioner. That position lead to felony charges against me for routinely turning my into my personal chauffeurs, porters and shopping assistants during my tenure. I eventually plead guilty to one felony count of filing a false instrument in exchange for a light sentence and dropping of all other charges. I was married to a former US Navy flight surgeon and psychiatris and was the sister-in-law of a Saturday Night Live alumnus. Who Am I?
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14 comments:
Okay, here goes. Getting together with old girlfriends one on one is NOT a good idea. Maybe you're completely over it, maybe she's not. Or vice-versa. If you can't include current wife, it's best for your marriage to just stay away.
Guys will look at women. Pretty women and not-so-pretty ones. Wives have to learn to deal with that, and they are probably checking out some of the men, anyway. Not with any intent to follow-up, but hey, everybody looks. And everybody should try to be cool about it. No leering. Your solution of making your wife or current date feel like she's the only woman in the world is a perfect answer, but probably most men aren't up to that forever.
Now we'll disagree. If your buddy is cheating, keep your mouth shut, beyond maybe warning him directly of possible consequences. Do NOT tell your wife. Do NOT tell your other buddies. Stay out of it if you possibly can.
Would my advice be different for women? No.
Hi Pat
My advise wouldn't be different for women either.
As to the buddy, hasn't he made it a part of me by telling me? And what do you do if his wife calls your wife and wants you to get together on a couples night out? I know it that situation I would be an easy read that something was on my mind. If my wife thought I was trying to hide something, wouldn't she get uneasy with me?
Bill
Back & forth on your imaginary friend's affair: You make good points. I don't think I'd be such an easy read, so that wouldn't trouble me. OTOH, I sure take your point about not wanting to get caught knowing something and not sharing it. Honestly, I don't know what I'd do. I'd actually probably tell my husband... the one I had... but not sure I'd tell just any spouse. I'd want to be sure they didn't go blabbing it all around town and it would come back to me. I'm just glad the situation is hypothetical.
Hi Pat
I am glad they are hypothetical too. And I am wondering the reason that we are both going back and forth on some of the answers is something you pointed out in your last answer. It might not only depend on us, like you are better than I am at holding things in, but it might also depend on what our spouses our like. Some might get mad if you did tell them and some might get mad if you didn't.
Bill
Ok, I agree with you guys, for the most part. Especially about guys looking...You just have to deal with it, it happens. They are not dead, just married. They will look. And as Pat pointed out most of the wives look too.
ON the buddy cheating, I guess I have some experience in that and sure wish that when my husband (not the Shankster) was cheating and he told his buddy, and his buddy decided to tell his wife, that she would have told me.(she was an easy read)
But she didn't. Instead, as it turned out, everybody knew....except me. And since we were all friends we frequently did things together and I can still feel that awful feeling I had thinking that his buddies wives knew something and were not telling me.
SO if you buddy is cheating, Stay out of it completely, if at all possible. And if you can't hope they don't tell their wives.
Or just don't cheat! That is simple enough....or so you would think.
Hi Dona
I look no doubt about but when a woman gives up her time to be with me I make a very strong effort not to look and to make the woman feel like she is the only one in my perimeter. I can look when she isn't around.
That is awful about your first husband, what a story. He was no doubt an idea, he had a great woman at home he is just a cheat and will always be a cheat. If the wife had told you, would you have believed her?
And I agree with you don't cheat.
Bill
I pretty much agree with the rest of you. Getting together with an old flame is not a good idea. Actually, I don't think it's a good idea, even with your wife, unless old flame is bringing husband. As to looking -- you can never take away the license to window shop, although if/when Himself does show, I'm unaware of it, unless he points out where my assets are better than hers (g). Cheating? Hard one, especially if one wife knows the other. Dona made good points. I'm just sorry they're from personal experience. Bottom line - just say no.
Dona - glad you're enjoying the meat mix. It's a staple in my freezer. Also, while this isn't a recipe, to sooth the throat and still get food, have the Shankster pick up a few of the Hormel "Compleat" meals. They're usually on the shelf with the instant meal items. They're hot and soft and pretty good, for instant. I've had chicken alfredo, chicken breast and gravy, beef and gravy (both come with mashed potatoes), beef stew. Not big servings, but it might be just the ticket for you.
I'd like to ask for prayers and good thoughts for tomorrow for both my s-i- and myself. While I'm having surgery, she's seeing the neurosurgeon, to find out what they can do about the cyst on her spine which has caused her almost constant pain for the past six months or more.
DR, lots of good thoughts and vibes coming for you and your SIL, too.
Let us know how it all goes, okay?
I have a different perspective on the old flame thing. I maintain contact with one of mine--and my husband knows it as we are very open about it.
Actually, this old flame and I were friends long before we were "flames." We've known each other since first grade and, after we both were married, we went back to being friends, but carefully.
When I saw him after many years, my kids served as chaperones. Their reaction, "Mom, you clearly have a type. He's so much like Dad it's spooky."
Now, we facebook quite openly--and neither his wife nor my husband seem to be threatened by it.
Apparently, this is an area where circumstances can matter. Why throw out my childhood just because we once tried (unsuccessfully) making it as a couple?
Hi DR
Of course you have my prayers as does you sister in law, in fact I had tomorrow marked on my reminder list to pray for you and s-i-l
Bill
Hi Ellen
It is always a pleasure to hear from you and see your take on things.
If the spouses are comfortable with you meeting then I agree with you. It is another siutation that the personalities involved and the couples out look on things that matter.
Bill
Bill, a bit late here, but to answer your question, if the wife would have told me, would I have believed her? No probably not. Crap, I was very sure I had the best marriage. Had no clue to what was really going on.
But still she was one of my best friends & looking back, she had a hard time keeping quiet, as she made it quite clear she was perturbed at him for some reason.
As to old flames, I also think in some circumstances, you can still keep in contact. The Shankster was raised in a childrens home and they all thought of each other as family. So he keeps in contact with a girlfriend he had there til graduation. I think I talk to her more than he does any more, Heck, she is even on my facebook page!
Hi Dona
We aren't on a time clock here, there is no such thing as to late!
I think the Shankster and I should hunt down your first husband and introduce him to Lorenna Bobbit.
Now I have to go look at your facebook page to guess which one she is!!
Bill
Just posting this message so there aren't 13 comments.
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