Today is arrival day. The day my sister and her husband arrive from Utah. Several lives may change; Mom's, sister's, brother-in-law's, and mine. For better or worse I think I am prepared. Through some inward thinking last night I discovered one of the main reasons that I am having a difficult time with the possibility of me letting go of the main responsibility of caring for Mom. It is a fear about life repeating itself. I cared for a long time for a dad with dementia. Six months before dad died I backed off on caring for him. It was just to emotional and to difficult. After three or four years after caring for dad I just couldn't handle it anymore. Almost instantaneously dad started to go downhill. Each day after I backed off he got worse and eventually died. Since then I have had the guilt that maybe I accelerated his death by taking a lesser role in his care giving. Maybe that guilt is unrealistic. Maybe dad would have died anyhow or maybe even earlier had I stayed in the picture. I don't know, I do know that the guilt is there. As soon as dad died Mom got worse. An operation for six stents. Another heart attack. I went back to lead care giver. Mom got better. Now history is repeating itself. It is just to emotional to watch Mom decline on a daily basis. It is to hard on my health to continue the way I am going. So now once again I am backing off as the lead care giver. I have that fear that if I do, mom may get worse and move on to the hereafter. Once again I will have those guilt feelings. That is my underlying fear.
I am off to spend the day getting Mom's house ready for the arrival. I also need to do some things at sis's new house to get their house ready for them. With a busy day on the agenda there really is no time for trivia or a who am I. Yesterday's answer was Eudora Welty. Although I don't have time from trivia today a female reader of the blog that I will keep nameless sent me the following about the human body:
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will be finished now....
Men are still busy checking their thumbs..
Do you have any advise for me on how I can lessen the fear that I have that Dad's history will be repeated with Mom with the new care giving pecking order? Does any of the above statistics about the human body surprise you? Are you going to spend part of the day checking out men's thumbs?
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10 comments:
I can understand your fears, though they do border on magical thinking. I understand them because in a way, I share them. To some extent, at least. I keep visiting mom every day, though I tell myself it doesn't matter that much and I should take some days off. I don't actually worry about her dying, at almost 104, her memory almost completely gone, and unable to care for herself in any way. I worry about the manner of it, but that's one of those vain worries, because what will happen will happen.
As an uninvolved outsider, I think your dad's death may have been a mercy to him. Though I know you miss him a lot, think about what he would have wanted had he been in control of his faculties. Would he have wanted to linger? How much longer?
With your mom, of course, it's a different matter entirely. But you will be there handy, you're not going to be deserting her, and in fact, your time with her may be happier and more uplifting to you both than when you were required to drop your own life and be there constantly.
Does any of that help? I hope so.
Oh, Bill, what a "discovery" to make. Yet, I think your fear -- and your guilt -- are both misplaced. Look at what you said. You cared for your dad for several years, but it was demanding in many respects. At the time you backed off, one reason was because it was becoming more demanding, as his health deteriorated. It's quite possible your father would have gone down hill, even had you continued your rigorous caregiving. With you mom, she's had a number of setbacks, but has improved, although she still has set backs. I think you're backing off in a different way, in that your sharing with sis and nephew. If, in fact, your mom begins failing, you can step in and take more responsibility.
I agree with Pat that your father is probably much happier where he is, although that doesn't resolve you missing him. But I rather suspect he would tell you not to feel guilty, that his time had come and he was ready to let go of this world.
I continue to hold positive thoughts this will be a positive transition and everyone will benefit from it.
((Hugs))
Totally unrelated to today's post, could I ask each of you to send good thoughts, positive vibes, prayers to IL tomorrow morning. My s-i-l, Alice, has her spinal surgery and prayers for all to go well and her recovery to go well would be much appreciated.
Hello friends! Thanks to all who sent healing thoughts to Mom... it certainly made a difference.
Bill... I agree with what Pat said. I also worry more about the how than the when. Would more days or months really had made a difference to your Dad? I truly believe things happen for a reason. Perhaps you were to back off from the caretaking role for not only your health reasons, but for his? I also think, regardless of how or when they pass... we shoulder a lot of blame. What could we have done different? In fact, there is no blame. You loved him dearly. That is all he wanted.
You also love your Mother dearly. I bet sharing the responsibility will do just what Pat says... you time with her will be happier now as there will be less stress of the day-to-day caretaking.
Well, that's my 2cents worth!
Hi Pat
Your message does help but I do think it does help your mother to have you visit her everyday.
In some ways dad death was a blessing. His life really wasn't that rewarding. Plus if he had kept on living, with the weight of that responsibility mom would have probably died early.
Thanks for the supportive message!
Bill
Hi DR
When I talked to Mom today about my fears and the guilt that I had re dad and the concern I had re her. She Dad had told once he has seen his sister Eimily in his dreams her told her he was ready go. He had seen all of his sisters and parents before then and was just waiting for her. She also said she is going when she is going and I will have nothing to do with it.
Thank you also for your support!
Bill
Hi DR
Of course Alice, her family, and you have all my prayers, good thoughts, and positive vibes.
Bill
Hi Kaye
Always a treat to your name here.
I agree with you that no matter when they go we do should the blame and we really usually have nothing to do with it.
I am hoping that the time togehter with mom will stress free. Maybe more rewarding.
And your opinion is worth a lot more than two cents!!
Thanks for the support!
You all are making me feel better.
Bill
Thanks for the prayers, Bill.
I'm glad you talked to your mom about your concerns and glad she seems to have set you straight (wry s). Interesting story about your dad and his sister. Also found your mom's comment interesting -- she's clearly making ALL the *important* decisions.
Hi DR
I figured nothing ventured nothing gained so decided to bring it up with Mom. She had already told me several times I have nothing to feel guilty about re dad or her. So I kind of knew the answer she would give me but the force of them was surprising.
Bill
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