Today is the day when the readers and visitors to the blog update me on their lives and what is going on with them. It is also a good day for those that have been following the blog for a while and not posted to introduce themselves to a great group of people that reside here. Go ahead and tell us a little about yourself. Anyone that wants to vent do so here. Got an exciting event coming up in your life? Tell us about it. Have some concerns about an elderly parent? A lot of posters here are at the ready to help. Just doing the normal stuff that we all do, errands, family get togethers. I’d love to hear about them. Questions for me? Shoot I will try to answer any of them honestly. This is the posters can do whatever they damn well please day. Whatever strikes your fancy go right ahead and post about it.
For me it has been a traumatic two weeks and a learning experience. First last week started off with a concussion and then this week started off with a very small snowstorms and icy roads. What I am learning is I really prefer to work on my own stuff and work out of my house and that is something I will consider next year. The good things about the job are 1. I am improving daily. 2. The people there are really very nice. 3. I do like the interaction with people. Of course it does bug me because I think they do way to much work on the returns. Despite that their fees are very reasonable and may even be low for the amount of work they do on each return.
I was able to spend some time with Mom. Sunday her, the caregiver, and myself went to a movie. Tuesday I spent the night there. Wednesday I took her for dinner. Monday and Thursday she was on her own, Today, I don’t know what it will bring. I might go over on my lunch hour and play her a game of Yahtzee.
As to myself there is the normal errands we all do. Gas, dry cleaners, home depot, grocery shopping, replace a cell phone that fell out of my pocket into the commode, schedule a lunch for Monday with a former client, watching Top Chef, dream a lot, complain a lot, and smile a lot. Pretty boring really.
OK, DR is on the road in her RV getting a much needed respite from care giving and some well deserved alone time with her husband. Kaye has a busy social calendar, is training a live-in caregiver, working on her jewelry business, and her job. Then one of the posters has a story to end all stories and I hope she shares it with us here. A normal trip to visit her mom turned into one really exciting experience. Thank goodness she is alright.
OK, the blog is now yours.
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16 comments:
Everything is going on fine here, and I have a four-day weekend coming up at the end of next week (for having worked the past three Sundays), and my parents agreed to stay over one or two nights then. Dad also said that while he's here, he wants me to do some banking errands for him. He has a fixed deposit about to mature, and he hasn't decided whether to roll it over for another term at the same bank or put it in another bank. So I'm supposed to suss out interest rates offered by different banks for him, so he can compare and make a decision.
Now that's the thing. I was prepared to learn how to use feeding tubes etc, but I didn't envisage caregiving to also include this sort of thing. It is not difficult to find out interest rates at different banks, you need only phone the bank or check their web sites. It is stuff that dad is capable of doing for himself, but he just doesn't want to if I can do it for him.
There's no age limit on using a computer but dad disqualified himself right from the start years ago when I tried to teach him and he was hale and healthy then. Said he was too old. Sometimes I don't know if it's learned helplessness. Do you ever feel that sometimes there're things your parents can do for themselves, only they won't because they know you'll do it for them. And how do you handle that? Usually, I take the path of least resistance and just do it, and it doesn't take a lot of effort on my part. But sometimes I wonder if maybe I shouldn't and let them do some of the things for themselves?
Snug, good luck on finding a decent interest rate on savings these days. When "they" try to fix a bad economy, they always seem to make it harder on savers.
As to your dad's learned helplessness, I ran into that with my mother, too, back when she was still more or less capable. The moment I tried to explain something that seemed to me simple if you understood the basics, she'd turn off. I hear the same thing from others, and I don't know if there's a point where they are really incapable of taking in information, or if it's a mindset. I do remember years ago when my daughter was getting into computers. She'd tell me something about them and I'd get lost and would tell her I just didn't seem to have the kind of mind to comprehend computers. We laugh about it now, but I did have to be forced into computing at first. When they brought computers in to work and I had to learn or be unemployed, I got interested and learned a lot past what I *had* to learn. Some of us did that, some stopped at what was necessary, some just gave up.
I'll put the story Bill refers to in another post.
Okay, here's the exciting visit to mom story. I was about to drive the 10 blocks or so for a visit Monday evening at 6 p.m. I had the TV on and there was a high speed car chase going on up and down a major street I need to cross to get there. Not a good time to cross that street, I thought, so I waited until the chase was reported to be a couple of miles away on another major street. Then I figured it was safe and I started out.
Got to the intersection, waited for a green light, started the left turn I make at least once every day, and WHAMMO! The fleeing car hit me a glancing blow and crashed into a parked truck. The noise was so loud that I thought my car had been demolished, but when I pulled over to look, I couldn't see any damage. When a cop brought a flashlight, we saw just a foot or two of red paint along the bumper. I never did see the driver of the fleeing car, but the news story said he was "taken into custody after being tasered", and one of the bystanders said, "He's really young!"
Yesterday, I got a letter from the District Attorney's office announcing that criminal charges were filed and advising me of 17 rights of "victims" of crimes. My car is 18 years old and the paint on the bumpers is peeling anyway, so beyond buffing it out when I get time, I don't plan to do anything about it. I doubt anything further will come of it for me, but I had a pretty darned good story when I finally reached the assisted living place that evening.
The funny thing is that even with a green light, I always look both ways before entering that intersection, because I've seen cars blow through the red light there. When I stopped that night, I not only looked both ways before proceeding, I had the window open and I listened for sirens. Didn't see or hear anything, so it was a complete surprise to get hit like that. He must have been going really fast! For a couple of days afterward, I went the long way around, but now I'm daring that intersection again.
Hi Snug
Good to hear from you. Yea for having a four day weekend! However, working Sundays to get there might be a little stressful!
Wow Snug your dad may be reaching the stage where he wants you to do most things for you and that can be to much when you are working a job and have a husband that take up your time.
I think what happens when the get older is they lose their confidence and maybe with a little pushing and a lot of positve feedback he might try it again.
Yes I end up doing a lot of things for mom that she can do herself but she is to scared of doing. I even think she would be just fine spending nights alone but she just doesn't want to.
I do like you do, I just do it but sometimes I reach the point where it upsets me and I make her do some of the things for herself.
Bill
Hi Pat
The excuse I always got when Mom didn't want to learn someth was, I'm old.
Bill
Hi
That story makes me cring for your safety every time I hear it.
My guess is your car was on TV, to bad you didn't have the recorder on.
I'm glad your car wasn't damaged but I am more glad that you weren't hurt.
I always wait a few seconds on a green light for the same reasons that you do. In Oregon the rule seems to be three cars blow a red light.
I'd be avoiding that read light for months to come if it was me, that was a scary experience!
Thanks for posting about it.
Bill
Bill, I didn't see it on tv, and I watched the 11 o'clock news for that purpose, with my VCR ready to record. However, at 11, there was yet another car chase in progress, this one very low speed. A guy in a $300K Bentley driving 20 to 30 mph all over town, with cops following sedately. He finally stopped, and after sitting there in the car with cops all around for an hour, he shot himself. I heard later that he was 27 years old, had just lost his business and had attacked his girlfriend, which is why they were chasing him. That news totally eclipsed the earlier high speed chase, so the crash never got on tv. At least the second guy wasn't endangering anyone but himself.
I love the "I'm old" excuse. In fact, at 90-something, it may be a pretty good reason, but it's frustrating at any age, when the person seems perfectly capable. One description I've heard of the memory loss that comes with age is that the synapses just don't fire and things don't *become* memories, which would certainly account for difficulty in learning new things. I know how hard it is to be patient with the helplessness, but it's really pointless to argue with it, as it won't get better.
Bill, I am glad you are feeling better and got back to work so quickly. I don't think your life is boring, just the opposite. The games/movies/dinners out you do with your mother and caregivers is something. Not to mention everything else. Far from boring. Maybe not what you are dreaming, but at least you still dream!
Snug, I am with you on the doing things for your father that you think he can do for himself issue.
I am like you and Bill and will just do whatever I am asked to do. I am a just do it myself so I know it gets done! My dad is capable of doing everything really for himself. I only came here to care for my dying mother and he wanted me to stay on to care for him in his hour of need. He only last year started on a regular basis taking any medication. So he is healthy. He cannot however hear. But has been that way all my life. So I opted after my mother passed to go with him to doctor visits/etc. to be able to translate if need be. He jokingly refered to me as "his ears". Now he refers to me as that along with "his eyes and secretary" as I am the one to make phone calls for whatever he feels the need to make one for and to fill out medical forms and such.
It has in the last 6 years gotten to the point where he does absolutely nothing to help around the home and expects me to do everything for him.
At first I did most because of him losing his wife and my thinking was he needed some TLC.
I still don't mind as this is just me, but in a small way lately have noticed the small things that just get my goat. Too silly to mention. But as Bill says when you have a job/spouse it can be that much more harder to do those things for a parent that you know they can do on their own. You can find yourself in the middle. I find that all too often and it can be troublesome to say the least. So far I am still a bit sane and still have a husband, but I am finding it harder and harder to figure out the answer to this confusing issue. I really don't think it would be an issue if there were no spouse because I know it bothers mine, but he deals with it in his own way. I have weaned myself from doing several things for my dad just to sort of make a bit of peace between me and hubby and it wasn't THAT hard. I didn't crack. So you can let them do some things for themselves. I guess each situation is different and you have to figure out which is the best for you and yours.
Pat, WOW what a night you had. That is strange how you were sure it was out of your area and then boom! You just never know do you? I am so glad you were not hurt in the process, and how honest you are too in not worrying about the damage. Not too many like you in the world anymore. And good for you to be going that route again!
Hi Pat
It was on TV before you left right? I am guessing somewhere there is a video of the car hiting you. If you weren't so nice you could sue the jerk that hit you and could track down the video and you would win the suit in that landslide!
A Bentley? How tragic that he committed suicide. Even losing the business he could have sold the Bentley and he probably had a nice house too. He would probably only get a little jail time for attacking his girl friend if he had a clean record before then. Personally, I think anyone that attacks their g.f. should get life but that isn't reality.
I never argue about it anymore because like you I discovred it it really pointless. And even at 90 my mom still has a pretty good memory.
Bill
Hi Dona
Only lasted at work today as my computer crashed. So far in two weeks on the new job a concussion, a snow storm, and a compuuter crash. I'm making a good impression!
That is really a full plate for you, Dona, it is hard enough to be married let alone have a dad that is almost like a needy child. And how hard if must be for you to be in the middle!
Be strong and continue to wean yourself from doing so much for you dad! And come here for support any hour any day any time. Shoot even if you get frustrated you can email me for my phone number and call me collect. I'm a great listener!
Bill
Thanks for the encouragement, Bill, but somehow I doubt suing the guy would get me anything, as I doubt he has anything to get. Besides, I told the cop I wasn't hurt and it would be in the police report. Coming up with a later "whiplash" is just too tacky for words and I couldn't say that with a straight face.
I did hear that the Bentley guy had rented the car for $2K/day, but really can't vouch for anything beyond seeing the "chase" and the car sitting there for an hour before he shot himself. Everything else is secondhand information.
Dona, I really feel for you having to keep both dad and husband reasonably cheerful. I'd say that your first duty is to your husband if you have to choose, so try to make it as easy on yourself as you can. OTOH, I have a certain sympathy for your father, as I've seen firsthand how people can withdraw when they can't hear. It took years to convince my mother to get hearing aids, and when she finally did, it made a big difference. Can you drag him kicking and screaming to get some hearing help?
Hi Pat
Seriously I think you shuld wait a while to decide on whether or not to sue. Sometimes injuries from a traumatic event like that don't show up for months. And I don't mean whiplash! Sore legs, sore back etc.
Two thousand a day? I can't think of anything that I would spend two grand a day to rent even if I was wealthy.
And Dona I agree with Pat, drag your dad to get hearing aids. My mom still refuses to get a hearing test let alone hearing aids. I keep trying.
Bill
Hey Guys thanks for the input, but dad does have hearing aids. His problem is nerve damage and all he hears is a humming constantly, the hearing aids really elevate the humming. Its been this way all my life and I know how to talk to him as most in the family does, but sometimes going to places where no one knows him he can have problems. He can hear better with them but mostly I think he reads your lips. The phone is hard for him but he also has a phone that is for that purpose and he CAN use it as he does when for instance when my brother calls him! But when its time to change is paper subscription and order meds, etc I get that task! haha
I am just sort of laid back and do it. I really don't mind the problem is my hubby sees that as selfish on my dads part. And that maybe is true to some degree.
And I know my hubby is first. Thanks for all the advice guys!
Hi Dona
That has to be so damn hard for you dad.
In a way it is kind of selfish on your dad's part but it seems like maybe your dad doesn't hasve much of a choice.
Bill
Wow, Pat, that's some drama you've had. Glad you're OK.
Dona, it must've been hard on you. You've the patience of a saint.
Hope everyone is having a good weekend.
Hi Snug
So far it has been a decent weekend, hope yours is going well also.
Bill
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