Have you ever sat in a sea of relatives and asked yourself, who are these people? Or feel like you didn't relly belong? My brother and his wife is here from Wyoming. My sister and her husband is here from Utah. Yesterday at Mom's we held a family get together. There was Mom, sister, sister's husband, brother, brother's wife, brother's eldest son and his wife, brother's youngest daughter and her husband, my niece's daugther and son, my nephew's eldest son and his fiance. Fifteen of us I think.
A little background. Over the years, just like all families, there has been disputes among each other. Times when this one wasn't speaking to that one or when someone wasn't speaking to everyone. Except me they always spoke to me. I was the family peacemaker. Sort of the family rock. When somone got their knickers in an uproar and left the family, I was the one to alway bring them back into the fold.
Yesterday was the first time all the siblings got together in a couple of years. We had pizza and chicken and then a gab fest in the living room. Well some of us were in the living room. The cliques emerged. Sis, sister-in-law, and her husband pretty much avoided the living room for an hour or so. They were in a gab feast in the kitchen. A lot of the separations during the year have arose from conversations between sis and sister-in-law so I always view that clique as a little dangerous. In the living room were the rest of us. I honestly don't anyone spoke to mom. Mom tried to get involved in the conversation but the conversation always turned to something that really she wouldn't know about. Nobody there stepped up to help mom. I was the one that went out and got her plate of food. I cleaned up her dishes afterwards. I moved over next to her so at least she would have someone she could talk to.
When the clique came back into the living room and everyone was there I was listening to the conversation and wondering, "who are these people?." I am so different than any of them and think so differently than any of them. Don't get me wrong I love all of them. My niece and her husband are really supportive of me. Sis and her husband do what they can to help with mom. I just didn't belong in the group. I don't agree with my great nephew's racist remarks. I don't agree with my sister's stance on gays. I don't agree with my nephew's stance about the education systemn and how they shouldn't teach arts and music because they wouldn't lead to careers. I don't see the caring from my brother towards mom that I have. Nor do I see the caring for my brother from his wife in the manner that I would want from my wife. I'm not trying to be judgmental, I'm just trying to understand how in the hell did I become part of this group and why I am a stranger within my own family. I'm trying to understand how all of those raised by the same family could care so differently, love so differently. I'm trying to understand that whenever there is a family get together why Mom and I are always seemingly excluded from the conversations. Yet when someone is away from group needing support, love, or ear to talk they call me or Mom.
Tell me about your family dynamics. Have you ever been at a family reunion where you felt excluded? Where you felt you didn't belong? Is this normal? Unusual?
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12 comments:
Geez Bill, I just thought it was me.
I have been wondering in the last 6 years how I was raised to think so different than my sister and brother when I thought we were raised by the same people too.
So maybe it is "normal"? But I didn't think so. I have honestly thought I was adopted for years.
Maybe we were both adopted and you are my brother from another mother!
:)
Hi Dona
Or should I say hello sister?
Bill
PS
When growing up I used to run away from home because I thought I was adopted.
That is just plain weird.
Its funny how we think alike in so many things.
Get this.....for years me and my Aunt Lissie which was my mother's older sister who had no children and was the first owner of this house, used to tease my mother that I was adopted and actually HER daughter. My mother would get very angry when we would tease about it. This is what my Aunt Lissie would tell me. Or this is how it started. She and my Uncle just remembered my mom and dad coming here one weekend and they had this cute little baby. (me) They don't remember her ever pregnant with me, but only with my older sister. I spent a lot of time with my Aunt Lissie. My sister and brother never did. After several years my Aunt would just say I was hers. And so the joke began.
Honestly I never believed it and only played along as it was "our" thing to tease mom about.
That last year with my mother, there were 3 specific different times she referred to me as Aunt Lissie's daughter. My husband was present during one conversation. One time in particular bugs me the most as I was talking to my mother about my Aunt in that if I had it my way I would have taken her in my home instead of her going to a nursing home. My mother said well you do know why you feel that way don't you? I said why? She said because that was your momma.
So I am one confused person and can really relate to your comment on "WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE"? when referring to your family.
:)
oh, dear, yes. Sat there and looked around and said "who are these people and what are they doing here."
It's only occurred in the last ten or twenty years and I think part of it is geography and that we married such different people and our priorities and maybe lifestyles changed.
I remember, up until I was maybe twenty, I thought we were a normal family and we did lots together, even when we moved away and only gathered a couple times a year. Our values and interests and priorities seemed to remain the same.
Not sure when things shifted, quite honestly, although I suspect it started with the people we married and geographic distance. I can remember Christmases, when we all lived in Juneau, Daddy had passed, Rho and I were married, then Rho had the twins. And the dynamics changed, but I'm not sure how. We did Christmases at Rho's in CA, one in AK, one in FL in ensuing years and each time I saw more and more distance, more and more differences.
Then, when we were all at Mom's in 2004, helping her pack up for the move here, it was ... I suddenly thought, "Geez, we meet the criteria for disfunctional!" We were spreads from AK to CA to IL to SC. We'd grown apart. Everyone had their own agenda, whether it was what Mom should keep, who should "get" what and why and... it was not a pleasant time. Some pretty intense moments.
Over the past five years, I've not seen that change. Different circumstances, situations, priorities, agendas. Different life styles. Like you, I seem to be some sort of anchor and am generally the peacemaker, altho I'm not always real good at that, particularly when I have to calm my own ire, before I can calm anyone elses. Everyone says they want to work in Mom's best interest, but no one seems to step forward to help in that. Most irritating is that everyone says "this is all about Mom," with no idea what it's meant to Al and I and no assistance, until Deb's sudden involvement (for which I bless her)
There's not been an opportunity for the entire family to be together since ... I guess 2004. Even when we did Christmas in Phoenix the year before Paul died, Lake and Alice didn't join us. When we did the pack-up in Juneau, Rho's husband and kids and Deb's husband and Lake's wife weren't there. Just as well, as the dynamics among thesibs was quite sufficient and I was so thankful Himself was there to keep me a bit balanced.
I have no idea what would happen if all of us were together now. My two b-i-ls have passed. My brother's m-i-l has developed some health issues. If we all get togehter to help Mom move (to wherever - still no decision as of phone conversation tonight), I have no idea what the dynamics might be. Convoluted? We still have different priorities and lifestyles and I have serious doubts thay can be resolved. Himself tells me I'm "heir apparent" to the matriarch title, if anything happens to Mom and I've told him I'd immediately abdicate the title.
Like Dona, I often wondered if I was adopted (Mom had trouble getting pregnant and they had adoption proceedings in order when she conceived Lake, younger brother). However, my youngest sister and I have enough in common I suspect I'm not, but I sure do have trouble understanding the differences between me and the rest of my sibs on many occasions!
I'm not sure about the feeling exculded thing, given the lack of family gatherings of sibs, except when we have the big family reunions of the last couple years and I just don't feel in touch with a lot of the cousins. Our situation is a bit different. Although Lake and I don't always agree and I sometimes get impatient, what's happened is that, over the past ten or more years, it's frequently become a case of feeling as though middle and youngest sister feel they'r a unit standing against younger brother and myself, for reasons I don't understand. I don't understand where the "them versus us" philosophy came from and I don't understand why we can't all accept each other and work together for the common good (Mom, in this case). Unforutnately, we seem to have become one of those families where everyone only pulls together in times of death. Not even crises, since definitions of crises seem to be widely varying.
I feel like I've come "home"! I always thought I was adopted too! Or that the nurse had given my mother the wrong baby to take home. I had more in common with my Dad (though at the time I hated to admit it) than I do with my siblings. I shared same political and social views as my Dad (mum died when I was a kid so I don't really remember her as an "adult" just as "mum"). But although I have never fallen out with my siblings we just don't communicate. Haven't seen my brother since Dad's funeral. Did see my sister last year but that was the first time for 8 years.
I used to be the peacemaker too, beteen my Dad and siblings just to keep the family together for Dad in his waning years, but after he died I just let my siblings get on with their lives and seemingly I wasn't part of that. But as you say DR our lifestyles change as do our choices. My siblings have their own kids and their own difficulties and are very absorbed in those, and I chose not to get too heavily involved in that a few years ago.
But when we speak on the phone (very intermitantly) I almost have to check the number I dialled as I'm not sure I'm speaking to someone I *know*, never mind a blood relative!
But as they say - you can choose your friends but not your relatives!
One of my friends has a very close extended family and i can't quite get my head around that - LOL!
I'm the odd one here, because I don't really *have* family dynamics to speak of, except immediate family, since I was an only. My relationship with my mother over the years was always civil but often a little strained. Now for me, it's a little like having a 2 y/o child who is quite agreeable but not likely to progress. My father died when I was 21. He was always a little distant, but I like to think we'd have had a good relationship as I got older.
My relationship with my daughter and SIL is great, so I have nothing to complain about there.
I have three cousins still living. I've seen Lisa twice in my life, but the most recent time, she came and stayed with me for a few days and we got along great. She lives in one of the Carolinas (I forget which), and we email sporadically, so that's fine.
Harriet and her husband live about 80 miles away now. When they lived only 38 miles away, we'd see them at Christmas and sometimes Thanksgiving, and while we have opposite political and probably religious views, we got along fine by sticking to superficial conversation and those visits were more or less enjoyable. More contact was probably not a good idea. [g]
Bob is a "second family" cousin from my mother's brother, and I didn't even meet him until I was about 40, but I like him, and our every-couple-of-years contact is always quite pleasant. Usually just a phone call, but once in a while, lunch.
There are a couple of second cousins out there somewhere that I've met at kids' weddings but never got to know. They seemed fine, too, but there was no impetus to keep in touch.
Being an only in a not-very-close family has its drawbacks, but in a way, I'm glad I've been spared all the anxiety I hear from people with larger families.
Hi Dona
It is weird that we do think alike but weird in a very pleasant way.
Wow what an interesting story about Aunt Lizzie and your mom. Have you thought about dna testing to be be sure?
And I don't think you are confused at all, we two are just introspective folks and think about things differently than the rest of the world at times!
Bill
Thanks for the post, I love getting to know more about people here.
Hi Dr
Maybe with me it is geography and marriage of the siblings to spouses unlike the rest of the family that causes my disconnect.
lifestyles changed.
I love how close my family is at times and I know the support would be there if something happened to be but I wonder why the support doesn't come before something happens to me.
I'm sure either of our families or dysfunctional in the real sense, it is just like I told Dona we think inwards and view things thoughtfully.
I would imagine you would be a great peacemaker and anchor!
It would be really interesting to see what would happen if your family got together. How everyone got along, etc.
It really is tragic that it isn't unusual in families for it to take a death or tragedy for everyone to get together and support each other.
Bill
Hi Sian
Welcome home. That makse four of us that thought we were adopted. Dona, DR, You, and I! And now the blog has four peacemakers too!
Thanks for posting Sian, like I said to Dona I love learning more about everyone here.
Bill
Hi Pat
It is nice to see the view of someone that doesn't really have the dynamics that some of the rest of us do.
I just can't imagine what my life would have been like had my dad died when I was 21. You really are a strong woman.
Wow what a fun visit with your cousin Lisa!
I'm not sure how I would have done as an only.
Bill
Family dyamics. You certain struck a nerve, didn't you, Bill, with all these responses you've been getting.
My mother was 7th of 10 and I have 32 cousins. But my father (an only with no relatives I ever met) hated my mother's family, so I rarely saw any of them when I was growing up, except my cousin Peach, with whom I am still good friends (and our cousin Kathy, the third in our Cousins Day triumverate).
But as for the rest of them, I don't know them and we have very little in common and I ALWAYS wonder why I don't fit in when we have a reunion, an event I have come to dread more than anything for that reason.
But I am blessed with two cousins whom I love dearly and with whom I am very close.
Hi Bev
One of the great things about the blog for me is when I post something that I am kind of down about and then everyone chimes and and says they feel the same way. Makes me feel that I am not alone.
Wow 32 cousins is a lot.
I am getting to kind of dreading family get togethers are reunions. I do like the cousin reunions.
I'm glad you have some cousins that you are close to it, it does give you some connection.
Bill
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