My sister called yesterday. She had went to a psychic and wanted to tell me all about it. Here is where I stand on psychics. I go to them once in a while as a lark, something different to do. Seldom are they correct in their predictions but once in a while they will say something that will register on the advise scale that you can use. The main reason I do go to psychics once in a great while is it gives me something in common with my sister. My sister and I have very little in common. Politically we are so far apart it is pitiful. The way we view others and what love is about is also completely different. My sister is really into psychic, so much so that she is teaching a class on it. The way I got it figured is that as helpful as my sister has been with my parents that I needed to create a common interest that I can share with her. That has become psychics. That explains why she called me yesterday. To tell me about her experience with the psychic and what she had been told by her.
Move ahead a couple of hours and I am in the car taking mom to a restaurant for lunch and here is the conversation between Mom and I:
“Sis, called today.”
“What did she want?”
“She just wanted to tell me about going to psychic and what the psychic had told her.”
“I hope the psychic told her that I am going to die soon.”
I took a deep breath and didn’t say anything for about a minute.
“Do you know what it does to a son, when you say something like that?”
“I want to die because I don’t want to be a burden.”
Another deep breath, another pause.
“You only become a burden when you destroy me emotionally by telling me you want to die.”
“I don’t think Millionaire is on tonight, so there isn’t going to be much on TV.”
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
I honestly didn’t respond and was pretty quiet until we got to the restaurant. I didn’t bring death up again, instead I just talked about the normal things a dude talks about with his mom. But frankly, I was kind of disturbed by the conversation the rest of the day. So many things bothered me about it. First, she has the same habit my brother does of changing the conversation to something mundane and immaterial when there is a chance to have a conversation that could prevent future problems or maybe change things. That frustrates the hell out of me. The other disturbing things where the questions I asked myself the rest of the day. Does Mom really want to die? What would life be like without her? This isn’t the first time she has made the statement she wants to die and each time she says it, it makes me an emotional wreck. And maybe I have reached the point that I am so tired of hearing the statement from Mom, “I want to die” that the next time I it comes up I may respond with “OK, you want to die. Maybe you should overdose on your pain killers.” I hope I am not there but truly I am sick of becoming an emotional wreck because of what someone says and having that person that says the emotionally wrecking thing ignore me when I tell her what those statements do to me. I just don’t know where I am at and not knowing where I am at scares me to no end. Scares me because I might say something even more emotionally damaging to her the next time I get hit with the dying statement.
I need your advise. Tell me how you would handle the above situation. Have your parents ever said something similar to you? If, so how did you handle it? I am all ears and open to any advise that you are willing to share.
TRIVA:
YESTERDAY:
Top three were Bev with forty-four words, Connie with twenty words, and Pat with twelve words.
TODAY IS BACK TO WHAT DO THESE THREE THINGS HAVE IN COMMON:
Sorry after a touch day I tend to choose really hard ones. Here we go:
Herbie, The Ice Cream Man, Reverend Leroy, Geraldine Jones.
A kiss, a flower, a bomb.
A belt, a bra, a bank robber,
LIGHTENTING, WATCHERS, STRANGERS.
Radula, Tentacle, Ink Sac.
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12 comments:
I would talk to her about death. My mother and I talk about her death and her funeral. We are comfortable with it. We sometimes joke about it. But I think it's helpful to us both. A 90 year old woman doesn't have a lot of years left and it's nice that we are both comfortable with discussing it.
On the other hand, Walt and his siblings are terrified of their mother's death. They can't stand to bring up the subject with her. His sister once cried on my shoulder that when "the call" comes, she won't have a clue what to do because she'd never discussed death with her mother. I made a suggestion for what should be done with her remains and, a couple of months later, she asked her mother how that sounded, and she thought it was a good plan.
The death of a parent is traumatic, no matter what happens beforehand, but I suspect that it will be a bit easier for me because I know how my mother feels about it and I know how I feel about it and we've both talked and thought about it, than it will be for Walt and his siblings because they can't seem to face it, nor can their mother.
Hi Bev
Thanks for the input, it is appreciated.
We have had those talks about death and I will be fine with it when mom passes and she is fine with it too. We have done a lot of planning to make it easier. The only thing left that I would like to do is have her pick out her urn herself.
What I am not fine with is her telling me that she wants to die. Nor am I fine with her continuing to tell me she wants to die after I have told her how in effects me when she tells me she wants to die. I mean I am making a major effort to make her life happier and when I hear those words not only does it effect me emotionally but it just makes me feel like I am not only wasting my time but that what I do isn't being appreciated.
Bill
Oh, Bill, I wish I was there to give you a hug. And I wish I had some advice, but I'm in the same boat you are. Hopefully someone here can help us both out.
Yes, Mom does/did the same thing to me and it seemed to come up more often over the past year or so. "I want to die." This is, as you say, often explained by her feeling she's a burden. Even more hurtful, "If I died, your life would be a lot easier." (And how do you answer that?) And, no, there's no exploring the comment. I usually end up saying something like, "Mom, you're not a burden" or "Mom, I can't imagine life without you every day." And, as you say, she then veers off on an entirely different topic and it's obvious there's to be no further discussion.
The only way I can deal with it is to try to understand from her point of view, despite what the comments do to me, since my emotional reaction is much like yours.
I think there are days when she truly does feel that way and perhaps she thinks she has good reason. She's in chronic pain 24/7 from her knees, about which she's so far refused to do anything. Her eyesight continues to fail and has reached the point where she has trouble identifying team members and golfers and can't read the scores at the bottom of the big screen TV we got her, can't read books, can often not read letters she receives and can't see well enough to write much of the time. That has to be incredibly frustrating and frightening. She can't live where she really, really wants to (Alaska). She's lost more friends and relatives than I can count in the last few years. No one can find a reason for the pressure in her head that often makes her dizzy and unbalanced. The bottom line is her quality of life has gone from a "10" in 2000 to about a "3" today, max. I suspect she's just tired of it and, since she knows when she dies she's going to God and will see Daddy and all those who've gone before, there may be times when that seems like a much more positive option than struggling through each day. Yes, there are things she might do to improve her quality of life, but they all mean work and doing something she doesn't want to and at 90 she's already done plenty of things because she had to, whether she wanted to or not.I don't know if the comment is an honest statement at the time or a cry of frustration.
If I'm perfectly honest, if someone asked me if I'd want to live the life Mom has right now, I'd probably say "no." It would mean not being able to drive, not being able to read, write MPs, edit, not being able to go to the pool or to line dance or to play the guitar or run to the store whenever I needed or wanted something. It would mean depending on someone else to clean my house (okay, that might not be a bad thing), buy my groceries, asking for rides. It would mean knowing I feel lousy and not knowing if/when it's going to get worse.
Quite frankly, as impatient as I sometimes get/got, I have a tremendous admiration for the way Mom has adopted to all the changes she's had to make and all she's had to give up, from a home she loved, long-time friends, the ability to square dance and read books and magazines to the independence of driving.
I don't know if that helps at all. I still get emotional and have to have time to pull myself together, after she makes comments about wanting to die, but as I've become more ... realistic? ... about why she may be saying it, it's helped a little bit. I sometimes think my best response to the statement might have been, "Why?"
I'm sorry, Bill. That must be an awful position to be in. And it's probably not too much better to have the discussion about it, unless like with Bev's mom, you can laugh about it.
I never had that experience, as my mother resolutely refused to talk about it. Not that I tried except a couple of times trying to bring up cremation vs burial, and stating my own wishes first. A couple of times, at around age 99, she said, "I probably won't live much longer", but that was pretty much the end of the conversation, and she seems to be being proven wrong about that. It's a kind of startling thing to hear, though less so than "I want to die". Don't know how I'd have handled that, but probably DR's aftermarket "Why?" might be the best.
I never got emotional about it because it never really came up. Except once, when she said something on the order of "What on earth will you do when I'm gone?" My immediate reaction was "I'll get to live my own life", but of course I didn't say that. Said something like, "Oh, I imagine I'll manage". {s}
If I had a choice of living as my mother lives now, with no memories except a few of childhood and completely confused about whether she's eating breakfast or lunch and where she is and who are the nice people who take care of her... well, I'd much rather be dead. Would she, if she was aware? I have no idea.
Hi DR
I wish you were here to give me a hug and I thank you for your informative post.
It doesn't surprise me that your mom did the same thing and especially with the burden thing.
Like you I usually say she isn't a burden too or maybe something to the tune of it wasn't her choice to be where she is now.
I do try to understand from my mom's view point but I wouldn't mine living the way she is. She has a ton of friends visit her eac week. She gets out for or five times a week. Her mind is sharp. She is in a terrible amount of pain. Excuriating pain. So maybe that is why she wants to death and maybe like you suggested the next time it comes up, I will ask why.
My mom is a little healthier that yours with her eyesight but like your mom the pain is chronic and severe. I would rate the quality of my mom's life a 6 or 7
I also admire mom for the way she has aged gracefully, I just don't want her comments to age me.!
And your post was very helpful.
Bill
Oh, forgot to comment on psychics. It's all total and complete BS. Not to put too fine a point on it. {g}
Hi Pat
Mom and do laugh a lot together and we have talked about death but I view talking about different as being different as wanting to die.
However, if were like your mom or my dad then I certainly wouldn't want to remain on earth. I'd pay for someone to off me if I had the mental capacity to find someone to do that.
Bill
Hi Pat
I view psychics as the same way I do horoscopes. Entertaining. Fun to read. Sometimes useful. But mostly not really worth the money you spend on them.
Bill
I read the horoscope in the paper, which is totally off base for me about 363 days out of the year. So much for astrology, which is as much BS as psychics.
Yes, they are both entertaining, but I wouldn't spend a nickle on either one.
And yes, talking about it is different from wanting to die. I question whether your mom really wants to die, though. Perhaps in the occasional down moment, and we all have those, don't we? If it's just to "not be a burden", it's probably not that serious. I think in your case and in DR's, I would pursue pain management for mom as far as possible. Pain can be terribly depressing.
Bill, so sorry you have had to experience these words from your mother. Its really hard to hear those words come out of a mouth of someone you love and really don't want to think about losing, although its inevitable. I had to hear it from my favorite Aunt and then my mom. And it was usually just as your described. Sometimes I tried to argue that they didn't really wish it, but after hearing it so many times I got to where I would just usually wait and the subject would change itself in a matter of minutes. In a way I think it may be "normal" to think/say these things when a person is older and/or dependent on someone. So maybe most say it to see if there is a response of them not being a burden to help relieve them of the feelings of being a burden.
I am not sure I would ever say that, but I certainly don't ever want to be a burden on anyone either, so you never know what you will say or think unless you are in the situation of feeling useless or dependent.
And then if I did say it, I think I might want a response like "You are not a burden and I can't imagine life without you every day." I think that might make me feel better!
Hi Pat
It is kind of not very logical to think that all people in the world can be divided into twelve signs. However, some of the really deep astrological charts can be interesting. I used to those kind of astrological charts for people but didn't charge and quit doing them because they got boring.
I think my mom doesn't want to be a burden but wants to have a well taken care of life. And I honestly don't think she wants to die.
My mom started taking heavy duty pain medication about two months ago.
Bill
Hi Dona
It is hard to here those words and my heart goes out to you for what you went through with your aunt and mother.
I don't want to be a burden on anyone either. But sometimes you just can't help it.
Dona you would never say it and you would never be a burden on anyone!
Bill
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