I’m back to seriously considering justifiable homicide. I am just not sure who I should choose as a victim, my mother, the caregiver, or the technicians from Comcast.
OK, so I was planning on some days off of care giving yesterday and today. A couple of weeks ago mother decided to change her phone service to Comcast from Verizon. She asked my opinion. I told her to go ahead and try it and if she didn’t like it she could always switch back. I did warn her, however, that the problem with having your phone service and cable service with the same company is that if the cable went out so did the phone. Nothing was said about it until yesterday. I was getting ready to go out to a showing of Inglorious Basterds (that is how it is spelled in the paper) when I get a call that informed me that the cable guys are going to be at Mom’s between two and four. OK, with that time frame no way will I be able to attend the movie. I went over to mom’s to wait for the cable guys, she doesn’t feel safe being alone with strangers in the house, and of course they don’t get there until four. I can understand Mom forgetting to tell me about the cable guys being there so I dealt with that. I mean I forget things all the time. I spent yesterday looking for a sack of fat free low salt potato chips that I had purchased the day before. I found them in the microwave this morning. So I can understand being forgetful. It happens. What I can’t understand is what happened after the cable guys got there.
Do your elderly parents turn small normal things into the most stressful situation that happened in the over ninety years of their lives? Just how stressful can it be for your phone service to be changed? Nobody is usually hurt from it. Nobody usually dies from it. Yet when the cable guys were there my Mom acted like it was the most stressful situation that she ever dealt with and she said it was so stressful that it was causing her to be ill. I don’t do well with drama. OK, I do just fine with drama when I am the one that causes it. I just don’t do well with drama caused by someone else. And I certainly don’t do well when it is insinuated that I am the cause of the other person’s drama. The caregiver got there about five. She asked Mom what was wrong and mom told her “this is just so stressful for me that it makes me ill. It is just to much stress for me since Bill told me I shouldn’t change phone companies.” Grrrrrrrr. Now not only did I not say that, I am now the cause of Mom’s illness. I really didn’t say anything at the time but will admit when I got home I wasn’t sure how safe the shoes at the door were from me. The was a good chance they would be thrown or kicked.
After the caregiver arrived at Mom’s and after it was determined I carry a contagious virus causing the elderly to become ill due to stress I thought it would be OK for me to leave. However, before leaving I went in and asked the cable guys if they needed anything and if it was ok for me to leave. They said everything was hunky dory so I went home. It was close to six when I got back home.
About seven I get a phone call. The cable guys couldn’t get the phone working. Mom can call out, but she can’t receive calls. They will be back Saturday to finish their work. There goes my day off today. I need some advise here. Even though I am sure no jury would convict me I just don’t have it in me to commit a homicide. I have trouble stepping on spiders. It would destroy me the be the cause of anyone’s or anything’s death. Justifiable homicide is out of the question. What I need to know is who I should be angry at. Mom for accusing me of making her ill? The caregiver for letting the cable guys leave before finishing their job? The Comcast cable guys for leaving a 93 year-old woman without a workable phone? All of them? Or should I just throw more shoes and write it off as a normal event in the life of a caregiver?
TRIVIA
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10 comments:
Bless your heart. I would throw shoes and chalk it up to yet another day being a caregiver.
Thanks, Connie.
I've said aside some next week to shop for new shoes.
Bill
In the whole scheme of things, it is just one of those normal frustrations in life! Not worth getting angry about as everyone of us has had those days and then some. Get over it.
WWID? I'd kick the shoes, but I'd sure contemplate homicide or just leaving the country.
My mother was less likely to turn things into a major deal than yours apparently is. Her tendency was to just give up when she got confused. "Oh, forget it, I don't need television anyway". TV was the most often-encountered crisis in her later semi-independent years, but the attitude would surface in other things, too.
It actually sounds as though mom wasn't blaming you for the stress, since she misquoted you as having told her not to do it in the first place. But oh, well, I'm sure it was at least as stressful for you as it was for her.
But hey, be mad at all of them! You won't murder anyone, and they probably won't know anyway, so murder them all in your imagination and I hope it makes you feel better. Anyway, condolences on losing out on two days of freedom. I sure hear that!
And, er, do you often put potato chips in the microwave?
Hi Pat
I usually don't put potato chips in the microwave, at least not on purpose. Sometimes the dishwasher though.
Mom also does the giving up thing or I just don't want to do it thing.
It did kind of stressful because of the drama.
Imaginary murder! I can live with that.
And it turned out to be a loss of only a day and half of freedom because Comcast had the phone working this morning so I may take in a movie at 3:50,
Bill
Thanks for your comment anonymous.
Yeah Kick some shoes around, holler a bit too. If it makes you feel better do it.
Just another one of those little things that seem to get to us caregivers.
Maybe the movie today will get your mind off of it and the rest of your weekend will go well.
Hi Dona
Nobody knows better than you the frustrations caregiving brings and how difficult it is not to be able to plan your own life so I will take your advise. However, a movie wasn't in the cards. The movie Gods are against me, this time a work emergency popped up!
Bill
I think you could probably get away with justifiable homicide, regardless of the chosen victim. OTOH, you could try adapting the attitude I'm working on -- none of this is my fault (regardless of others' perceptions) and how much time and energy do I want to expend in the anger I'm feeling? This is a difficult shift and I'm not saying I'm always successful (koff), but when I am, it helps a lot. Mom is Mom. The caretaker is a jerk, as we've already determined. Cable guys are about as reliable as weather reports. You have a right to be angry with each and all of them, but is it going to change anything?
Yes, Mom used to do the drama thing, but not often, thank goodness. I'm the one more inclined to get exercised over little stuff. But it happens... Weds AM I'm just starting into my first-ever pedicure (more in my weekly report) and Mom calls. Do I know what she did with the report from Dr. R? Uh, no. I gave it to her and thought she put it in her med file. They can't find it and she's to see Dr. R in three hours and I MUST know where it is. I fi
nally said, Call Dr. R, ask him to fax the report to Dr. P. But it was a huge drama for her and Deb, especially when I couldn't tell where it was. Same thing happened with the linens being missing. So, go buy a set of twin bed sheets, for goodness sake! It's not like you're going to have to take out a loan!
So, yeah, parents can create drama. The question is, are you willing to let it be a drama? Yes, it's upsetting at the time, but I don't want to think of you spending jail time because people are either unthinking, upset, incompetent or stupid, when none of those are your fault. (And, of course, it's always going to be your fault, like the missing linens and med report are somehow mine).
Wish I had some answers. Meantime, ((HUGS))
Hi Dr
I love your advise.
I never do think it is my fault, I just get frustrated that everyone else does. And you are right, I don't want to hold on to the angry. Like I always tell my friends and clients that if you are going to give someone that much space in your mind you should charge rent.
I think as the elderly get older they become a more enhanced version of what they were when they were younger, Drama Queens take it to a new level.
How neat that you got a pedicure!
It is interesting that three thousand miles away you are still needed almost daily!
You had enough answers to make me feel better!
Bill
Thanks for the hugs.
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