Update day #2 for 2009. I want to hear everything going on in your life, whether you are caring for an elderly parent or not. If you have been following the blog but haven't posted, would love you to introduce yourself. You may make some new friends!
Negativity has been big with me this week. How negative Mom is really got to me yesterday. I can be really positive, really enjoying life, and then whammo I visit Mom. It brings me down below bottom. I really try to be positive around her and bring her up. A lot of the days I manage to do that. Not yesterday. I finally said to her "do you suppose in the next ten minutes you could maybe say one positive thing before I go crazy?" The response. "I'm not being negative, I just don't get it. I was being upbeat." Her pains are bad, she is sick all the time, my brother never calls, they messed up her drugs at the pharmacy, she is alone to much, sis just doesn't understand her getting old, I'm not there often enough (right like every day isn't enough. I'd really hate to see what her take is when she thinks she is being negative. I made mom check her sugar, checked her blood pressure, everything was normal. Then I left. A few more minutes there and justifiable homicide might have been an option. Would I have been convicted?
The rest of the week was preparing. Preparing for tax season. I'm trying to get all of my errands out of the way before the job starts. My car got its normal checkup on Friday. I got my annual eye checkup on Thursday. Wednesday was lunch with my old friend. Tuesday was getting all my documents in order to do my corporate tax return. Monday was grocery shopping. Today it is getting my mom's books done. I have to be at Mom's most of the day to accomplish that. Watch the news reports just in case I go over the edge. I'm also going to watch Top Chef tonight and will report on it tomorrow. I kind of watched it Wednesday night but recorded it so I could view it a second time. Double elimination week on T.C. Tomorrow it is shopping for new duds. January of every year I buy a few new shirts, a couple of pairs of slacks and the marry some old clothes with Goodwill. Sunday I also plan on going to SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE and then Sunday night watch The Golden Globe awards. Last year's Golden Globes were a shell due to a strike so this year should be really good. Next week I really haven't planned much but I am sure there will be a lot of Mom time. I'm also sure since Mom's 93rd birthday is the 21st, I will do some gift shopping.
OK tell me everything. Ask me anything. Give me advise. I'm all ears! (at least that is what they said when I was growing up, but fortunately my head grew into my ears)
I will anxiously await getting to know more about you!
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14 comments:
Hi, Bill. I'm sorry you got dragged down by all that negativity. My mother gets that way sometimes and that's when I have to get a timeout. I have to confess that's why I usually take my dogs along when I visit -- they serve as a distraction when things start getting fraught. And who can moan and be negative with a couple of dogs on your lap?
As for what's going on with my parents, the update may actually serve better as a response to your last post, the one about how you chose a doctor. For dad, there's not much of a choice. As a pensioner, his health care is paid for by the state, so he gets saddled with the doctor the government hospital assigns to him. For the most part, we've had no issues with their professionalism and standard of care.
Dad started getting spot-like growths, like liver spots but bigger darker, on a few places on his body, and he mentioned them to his cardiologist when he happened to have an appointment with her last week. She then fixed him up with a dermatologist in the same hospital and he got an appointment earlier this week. Mum took him there, and the doctor diagnosed them as seborrhoeic keratonis. Not harmful and nothing to worry about -- they can be removed with topical surgery using local anaesthesia but they can also be left alone, and given Dad's several other health problems, he decided to take the do nothing option. Then he was politely ushered out of the consultation room. But it was then that Mum had a lot of questions -- what are they growths really caused by, what are they really, etc. The doctor just waved the discharge sheet on which he had scrawled in the diagnosis line: seborrhoeic keratonis. Have your children look it up on the Internet and explain it to you, he told her.
So of course that was my job. I could hardly make out his handwriting and had to follow Google's "did you mean" suggestion when I tried to search for it. I found out all Mum wanted to know. Even if the doctor had given her a rudimentary explanation, I would probably have found out more on the Internet. But not to even take a minute to explain and just tell your patient to ask their kids to go look it up on the Net was a bit curt, I thought. There are plenty of elderly people who have no computers and no access to the Net or to further information, and you'd think that their consulting physician was the first line of information. Dad's certainly not going back to that doctor again. But then again, I guess he does't need to, if he's going to take the "leave it alone" option.
Snug, I agree with you about not going back to that dermatologist. I know doctors are having a hard time these days, what with the insurance maze their offices have to navigate, and trying to schedule as many patients as possible in a day so they can make a profit. But they still should answer patients' questions, for heaven's sake! Maybe he didn't know the answers. I always appreciate it when a doc admits s/he doesn't know something, but that's me.
Bill, I really feel for your having to deal with all the negativity. I wouldn't do well with that, myself. When my mother was doing all the "sundowning" before we changed her med times, I'd get so all I wanted was to escape. I still feel like that a lot, because I'm not sure what good I'm doing with all the visits, but at least I don't have to deal with much negativity. It's hard to deal with questions and statements that you can either not hear or not understand, but she seems content with "Really?" or a nod and a smile most of the time. That was kind of her pattern anyway. She'd make a pronouncement and you'd either agree or disagree, it didn't matter much, since she was always right. {g}
My week has been uneventful aside from the lunch and movie I already reported on. I paid the last 2008 estimated tax for myself and for mom, and moved some money around trying for a little bit more interest. This week's project is a serious attempt to get rid of books. I am drowning in books, and the pile grows every time I work in the used bookstore, so I'm trying to be merciless and only keep the really important (to me) ones and the ones there's some chance I might actually read someday. The piles of books by the back door are growing, so I guess I'm making progress, though it doesn't actually look like it in the bookcases.
Next week will be a busy one, with two book group meetings, one investment club meeting, an eye doc appointment, and a birthday party for a 19 y/o for whom I have absolutely no idea what to get as a gift. Any and all suggestions would be welcome. I know her mom and dad, but have only met the girl herself. She's a lovely girl, and I'm sure doesn't have much money to spend, so I'd like to get her something she really wants. Maybe her mom can help, but she'll probably tell me 'no gifts, you're just invited for dinner'.
Oh, Bill, I'm so sorry to hear about the negativity and do empathize. Having been raised on Peale and the "Power of Positive Thinking," it's like someone else inhabits Mom's mind. And it does bring you down and drive you crazy. I think I told you I called Mom on it a couple weeks or more ago and now, at least, she catches herself every once in a while and says, "I'm being negative, aren't I?" But it's hard. And, yes, I agree with you and Snug that there are times it sends you secreaming into the woods, but I don't know how to fix it, other than to try to be positive yourself. I'd say let it roll off your back, but I know that's not always possible. The sad part is, I don't think they realize they're being so negative and have no clue what it does to us, particularly if we're working to make their lives positive and busting our buns to make the world seem better.
Snug, what a response from the doctor. I agree with others that a doctor is there to answer questions, not send the patient or their kids to the web, although goodness knows I've spent my share of time trying to get answers on the net that the doctors didn't seem to have or want to give. Thank goodness your dad's "spots" weren't a serious issue!
My week - crazy at times? After Friday in the ER, spent Saturday at Mom's, moving furniture to allow wheel chair navigation, changing her linen, discovering she'd done no laundry since last time I did it, hauling out garbage. Sunday was laundry, obviously. Monday we saw the ortho and I think I reported on that. Tuesday morning we met with Martha from Comm on Blind and she was very positive about what they could do for Mom and I think that helped. We saw the ENT that afternoon and he said the sinus infection was gone, prescripted some nasal spray and started her on nystatin again, as it's obvious her candida has kicked up and is likely causing many of her problems. Wednesday I skipped line dance, did the pool some errands for Mom and actually got in some editorial hours. THursday I finished a long-overdue project, talked to the client and sent out what I had, waiting for more form him, and did Mom's ironing. Friday I delivered Mom's laundry, picked up her grocery list and the wheelchair, returned latter, did her and our banking, dug a box out of the closet and hauled garbage. Today I stayed home all day and finally began dismantling Christmas, with hopes of finishing tomorrow, before the colon prep ramifications kick in.
The good news is that apparently my brother called Mom (he's been doing so almost daily since I told him she was in a wheel chair) and either some of the things I said or something he said (I finally unloaded on the sibs early in the week in a long emial) or a combination of the two got through. She has home health care coming in for three hours once a week to help her take a bath (and hopefully convince her to get a transfer bench, which I've had no success in promotoing) and to pack away Christmas and go through closets and such. I can not tell you what a relief this is, knowing I don't have to deal with Christmas (you'd have to know my Mom's Christmas collection to appreciate this) or closets or pantry. Janie, who takes care of Susan across the hall, has said she'd be able to help Mom with bathing more than once a week, if she needs assistance. Mom's resisting. Something has finally made Mom realize that I've done nothing but take care of her since the first part of November and made her realize that I've been able to do nothing with my business or own home or husband. A part of me feels guilty I can't do it all and she has to hire help, but a part of me is hugely relieved.
I agreed to teach the aquacize class twice a week at Furman and that starts next week. However, I did so with the proviso that if Mom had app'ts or things got dicey, someone would have to sub for me, so we'll just see how that all goes. The socialization would be good, the exercise good (even if it does mean being in the lap pool in a wet suit), so we'll just see how it goes.
I've started the Christmas dismantling and made good progres last night and today and hope to finish tomorrow and get the boxes back to the shed, before the ramifications of the colonoscopy prep set in. Tomorrow's mission is to put together a box of stuff to take to the Hope Chest next fall, as I have an overabundance of Christmas cheer for our little house, but so much of it is sentimental stuff, it's hard to make decisions. Makes me more empathetic to Mom's situation of deciding what to keep/get rid of, especially as she'd hoped everyone would come here for Christmas this year and the grandkids would take away whichever nativity set they wanted (I think she has five) and folks would select ornatments and such.
So, I'm feeing much more positive than last week, despite fears about Mom's falling and knees. Holding good thoughts the aide will be a positive influence. Hoping to get in more work hours and my time with Mom may be more quality than work.
Lord, I seem to babble when I start responding to the weekly reports here, as well as almost anything else.
Hi Snug
Always nice to hear from you.
I never really thought about it but mom is less negative when sis is visiting and sis brings her cat along. Max the cat kind of singles out mom a lot. Wow what a great idea for you to take the dogs along.
I wish the state would give more options for health care instead of making the choices so limited.
Your derm is so uncaring. Your mom, and your dad, had every right to ask questions. To be put off by the doctor by him sending you to the internet is awful. If it was here I would probably even go so far as to report him to the state medical board. It was not only curt of the doctor but bad medical practice.
Bill
Hi Pat
I also like it when a doctor admits what he doesn't know. That extends to anyone I deal with.
Escape is a good word, I really want to do that a lot of the time.
I think your visits are helpful to your mom and she may be more aware of you being there then you think. Dad always used to surprise me with some of his comments. Those comments made me think he noticed when I wasn't there.
You are CPA's dream client. I am betting a lot of people didn't pay their estimates this year.
I've been getting rid of books as soon as I read them. Donating them to the King City Library. I only keep the autographed one and the one that there was only five hundred copies sent out. That one was a book they send out before the big publication and shows how they are going to promote the book. A father-in-law of an author that I've known for years gave it to me. Other than that books leave this house once I finish them.
Your next week looks great. You are my idle, I am going to have to keep busy when mom goes. So watching all that you do is inspiring.
As to the 19 years old maybe a gift card to the movies. I have nobody that age to buy for so my suggestions are nil.
Bill
Hi DR
Repeat after me, sharing is not babbling, sharing is not babbling.
My mom has always been negative so it really isn't new, it is just more troubling because I spend mroe time around it. I call mom on it all the time but it really doesn't do any good. As to why you hit the nail on the head, in her case she just doesn't think she is being negative.
Your life always seems to busy. As busy as you are maybe you should have just left the Christmas decorations up, that way you would have had a start on next year.
Yea for you brother! Finally your sibs may be getting it. And to your mom hiring home health care!
Don't feel guilty. You are entitled to a life away from you mom.
I think the teaching may help and with the provision for a sub if need be makes it more doable.
Bill
Bill, I know my visits are helpful to my mom and she's always glad to see me. It's also very nice that she doesn't get all sad when I say I'm leaving now. I credit the anti-depressant given earlier for that.
Thanks for saying I'm a dream client. {g} I put those estimated payment dates in my calendar early in the year, with a warning to myself a week early so I don't miss them.
I admire your discipline in getting rid of books as soon as they're read. I must try to emulate you at least with the ones I've read and probably won't ever read again. That would still leave too many around, but what's a reader to do?
A gift card to the movies is a great idea! I need to find out what theater she goes to the most often and get one from there. Thanks!
Hi Pat
I'm glad you know your visits are helpful!
I only speak the truth about you being a dream client.
Bill
Hi Bill! Does your mom like music? If so, make a CD of her favorite singers and bands and play them for her while you visit her. I bet it will bring up good memories for her and also stir up some good conversations as she recounts the stories of her youth..My mom loves music so I am constantly finding and downloading songs from her favorite singers and singers of her era. It's always fun!
Hi Lisa
I've been wondering how you were doing with the weather and your travel so it is good to hear from you.
Mom doesn't really do music but books on tape or cd might be a really good idea!
Thanks for the suggestion!
Bill
Hello Bill, Sorry to be late on update day...and sorry to hear you have had a rough week. The negativity thing is rather hard to deal with some times. My mother didn't have it as she just didn't know much of anything that was going on, but her sister/my favorite aunt did. It was very hard for me to deal with. Its like you say that there you are feeling all positive and then BAM! That how it was for me and it was also hard as she was always up and on the top of the world so it was a real downer when she was in the negative mood. I am like some here in you just have to find the best distraction that works for you. Thats about the only way around it.
Snug, glad to hear it was nothing too serious with your dad, but feel bad for you and your mother on the derm doc. How humiliated you mother must have felt. I agree with Bill and would have felt the need to report him.
Pat I agree with the gift card gift...most that age love a gift card to most anywhere!
Ladydr, wow, what a busy few weeks you have had. But sounds great that something had to have finally gotten through to your sibs. Also the aquacize class sounds like great fun. I don't think you should feel guilty at all about taking the help for your mother, I think you really needed it and am glad you are getting it and can go on with parts of your life that were suffering a bit, and have time for yourself too.
As for my week, it ended in my dad getting a letter from the VA that he didn't send in his financials and so his time had expired. Which he took about 3 days to show me the letter and since this VA is all new to me, I had to frantically start making calls as he already has a neurology appointment made and with this new development that may not be covered.
He had only went to get the VA medical last year...all news to me and out of the blue. But he done it without me knowing about it. So I guess this all will spill into this week on calls, etc. Will maybe update next update day~!
Hi Dona
There is no such thing as being late for update day. You post when you can and we love you to hear from you whenever you post!
It is so hard to be around negative people, the hope is that positive people will pull negative people up but it usually works just the opposite.
Your dad would drive me nuts. The VA thing is troublesome in so many ways! I'm sorry you have to deal with the mistakes of others but your dad is damn lucky to have you. He better realize it, if not give me his phone number and I will call and tell him how lucky he is to have you!
Hope things get easier with dealing with your dad.
Bill
Lisa, great idea on the CDs. Mom loves music and I periodically get her CDs, but the idea of downloading and creating a CD of stuff I know she'll like is wonderful.
Dona, sorry to hear about the mess with the VA. One minute, we're expected to take care of things the next minute we discover that there are things we never were aware of that needed handling. It's so frustrating and, if you're like me, dealing with these folks on the phone is a royal pain. I wish you the best of luck.
We're back to not knowing which way to jump. As I'm waiting to go in for my colonoscopy, I talk to Mom and am told her knee buckled twice yesterday AM. Like I can do anything at that point? As of today, she's in the borrowed electric wheelchair from the neighbor (remember, she had an old one) and playing bumper cars in her apartment, since her knee gave way again this morning.
Sounds like we're all having a fun beginning to the new year!
Hi Dr
It has been my history that if a year starts out bad it gets incredibly good as the year goes on!
Good luck on the colonscopy!
How tragic that her knee keeps buckling but I am wonder if it isn't actually her knee but her hip or psiatic nerve. I'm praying that things get better for both you and your mom.
Bill
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