Monday, September 1, 2008

Labor Day, Encore Careers, Beginnings, Endings.

First, the facts


Labor Day is a United States federal holiday observed on the first Monday in September. The holiday originated in 1882 as the Central Labor Union (of New York City) sought to create "a day off for the working citizens".Congress made Labor Day a federal holiday in 1894.[1] All fifty states have made Labor Day a state holiday. Labor Day has been celebrated on the first Monday in September in the United States since the 1880s. The form for the celebration of Labor Day was outlined in the first proposal of the holiday—a street parade to exhibit to the public "the strength and esprit de corps of the trade and labor organizations," followed by a festival for the workers and their families. This became the pattern for Labor Day celebrations. Speeches by prominent men and women were introduced later, as more emphasis was placed upon the economic and civil significance of the holiday. Still later, by a resolution of the American Federation of Labor convention of 1909, the Sunday preceding Labor Day was adopted as Labor Sunday and dedicated to the spiritual and educational aspects of the labor movement.
Today, Labor Day is often regarded as a day of rest and compared to the May 1 Labour Day celebrations in most countries; parades, speeches or political demonstrations are more low-key, although events held by labor organizations often feature political themes and appearances by candidates for office, especially in election years. Forms of celebration include picnics, barbecues, fireworks displays, water sports, and public art events.


Now The Reality.

When when we were growing up Labor Day was both an end and a beginning. It was an end of summer. The end of pickup baseball games, trips to Disneyland, San Francisco, Yellowstone or just plain camping. The end of play. It was also a beginning, the beginning of a new school year where you connected with old friends and met new ones.

I was thinking a lot of beginnings and ends today when I first got up and then in the paper was an article titled "When 'Encore Careers' Call. It was all about people in their forties, fifties, sixties, and even seventies ending life long careers and going back to community college to learn new ones. According to a statistic in the article one-sixth of students taking credit classes are over forty. This is really striking. Read this really fun and informative article here:

http://www.oregonlive.com/living/oregonian/index.ssf?/base/living/1220055906320310.xml&coll=7

Thinking about my own life I've decided there are several beginnings and ends. The comedy class that I have already talked to much about and will bore you to death with the next eight weeks is certainly a beginning of a new phase of life. It will also, hopefully, be an ending, an end to excuriating shyness which could lead to new beginnings in other areas of my life.

Since we talk about caregiving I can see some beginnings and endings in caregiving. With dad each day was like a new beginning because we never really knew what man we would get or where he would be. Some days he would be in the here and now, some days he would be in his childhood. I always viewed it as tragic but maybe if I had viewed each day as a new beginning I could have handled it better.

With Mom, most days seem the same. While she reads two books a week, plays bridge, bingo, etc. she seems mostly maintaing as oppossed to beginning something new. She seems mostly waiting for the end, the real end. Makes me wonder if I can direct her towards something new to learn. Maybe I can get her to take up painting again.

The question of the day is what do you see ending in your life if not now, in the near future, and what do you see beginning if not now, in the near future. Also what do you see beginning and ending in the elderly parent that you are caring for?

Wishing you all happy endings and challenging beginnings!

18 comments:

Pat said...

I think everybody's like me and hasn't really thought about beginnings and endings. Or else they have lives and have been busy. So I'll speak up and depress everybody.

At the moment, all I see ending is any semblance of freedom and the beginning of an endless string of days and years hanging out with people who ask the same unanswerable question over and over and over again. For my mother, it seems everything good has ended and nothing of any value is beginning. If she could relax and enjoy an easy life with people to care for her and try to interest her in something, it wouldn't be such a downer, but true to form even now, she looks for things to worry about and none of them make any sense.

So there. You had to ask. You didn't catch me on one of my better days.

William J. said...

Hi Pat

Sorry it took so long to respond but my sister and her husband are here visiting from Salt Lake and because mom's house is undergoing remodeling they are staying at my house. So it is hard to get computer time.

I'm sorry this isn't one of your better days but I am glad you unloaded here. That is what this place is for, to get off your chest whatever needs getting off of it. Sometimes it helps to just unload.

I actually understand the lost of freedom, I felt that with dad, and there never seemed to be an end. My mom does just like your mom, rather than enjoy the moment and the people that care about her she either expects more from everyone, finds fault with everyone, or directs all conversations back to herself. I had a business meeting tonight so Sis and Brother in law took mom to dinner. Sis and her husband spent the day at mom's house helping the remodelers. When I called mom before leaving for the meeting her first words to me were "your sister hasn't visited me today." My response "mom they are coming out to take you to dinner, they were at your house all day helping the remodelers, can't you just be happy with what they are doing and are going to do." Mom's response "they could have visited me today."

The negativity just drives me nuts.

Pat, I sincerely hope things get better for you and that you get a break!

Bill

Kaye R said...

Hugs to both Pat and you Bill. I do know exactly how you feel. As I've put in an earlier post, the antidepressant made a remarkable difference in my Mother. Prior to that, it was impossible to combat the negativity. On the down side, Mother is content to watch TVLAND the majority of her day. I think partly due to the fact that she just doesn't have the energy to even muster the desire to do anything else. Her caretaker (I'm sure out of her own boredom) does get her out to play bingo at least once a week. Getting our parents at this stage to consider doing something different is a big task. They just don't seem to be interested. Mother also use to make similar comments "I haven't heard from Bill (my brother).. is he out of town? He never calls anymore." Now, I hear "I'm sure glad you're here.". A big difference, huh!?

I see my life as having several chapters, mostly revolving around relationships. Since I ended the last relationship about 18 months ago, I am starting to miss doing things with someone else. Even the simple things like grocery shopping. But I wont' compromise my core values anymore just to have that. So my current new beginning or chapter is centered around my jewelry making. That's still a work in progress, so we'll see how all that goes. In a sense, I too am maintaining as long as Mother is still here. It's hard to make any other major decisions or even take a short vacation at this point. So, "freedom" is a longing, but tempored by guilt if it comes.

William J. said...

Hi Kaye

It is a pleasure to have you here. I'm glad you are not going to compromise your core values anymore, you are to good for that and shouldn't have to. When I thought about beginnings and endings I actually thought about Kaye's Creations and you. I find that exciting and am excited for you.

Boy to understand the freedom/guilt thing.

Hugs back at you. I'm glad the anti-depressants worked. We have tried several with mom but they counteract with her heart meds and make the heart meds ineffective. So we just have to find the right one.

I'm so glad that your mom appreciates you being there. You have been so faithful!!

Bill

Lady DR said...

I guess I have to agree with what you and Pat both said about the beginnings and endings. At the moment, I feel like I'm in basic survival mode. I see Mom failing and a part of the frustration is there are things she could do that would slow that down and, in some cases, turn it around. She won't do them.

I literally begged my brother to come down for a week. He came for three days. Monday was a holiday and Mom slept. Yesterday, he went to the cardio with us. Today, I put him in charge of taking Mom to PT. With the exception of the four hours yesterday afternoon, I've left him to it and selfishily enjoyed a break.

Today, he came up for an hour, ostensibly to see the new shop and improvements we've made since he was here four years ago and we (Al, Bro and self) had a little "Come to Jesus" meeting about realities. Part of the reality is he's not been down to see Mom in four years (when I begged him to come after spending 9 weeks doing kinda 24/7 at hospital and rehab facility, while he's gone out to visit his m-i-l (who was in good health) two or three times a year, plus Chirstmas. Part of the reality is my two sisters are in total denial about Mom. Neither of them have been to visit her in the four years she's lived here. All of which, Himself pointed out, means I've had total responsibility for four years and for the last two plus have been on the road four days a week, avg, with Mom's needs.

Don't get me wrong. I love Mom and am glad she's here with us and we've been able to do what we can, from medical to short RV trips to daily maintenance. But as Himself pointed out, paid caregivers get two weeks vacation or more a year. Even when Mom goes to AZ to visit Deb, I end up dealing with prescriptions and questions and trying to get referrals.

I see endings that are sad. Mom's mobility, her health, her vision. The negativity that permeates our conversations. Almost as sad, the fact we know we're going to lose the Skeeter at any time, just not when. Ageriatric parent and geriatric dog with a mass on her spleen they can do nothing about at her age. With Mom, I'm very fearful we're looking at a further ending to her independent living and a move to assisted living, especially if she's not a candidate for the gel injections for the knees. Where does the money come from? I don't know.

I don't see any beginnings right now, because, as you and Pat said there's not the freedom (meaning in large part, time) to pursue them. Rather than starting new things, I'm giving up things, like the Furman classes and guitar and gardening, because my business and Mom's care are both full time jobs. I remember you talking about not having a life, before your Mom moved into assisted living and when you were caring for both your parents. I now know more clearly what you meant, after the last two years.

And, Kaye, I hear you, too. What really hit home was not planning anything and no vacations. There is no down time and even leaving for 36 hours is a combination of time spent worrying and feeling guilty, should anything happen.

Lord, this sounds like a pity party and it's not. I am graeful my brother was here for three days. I hope he's got a better idea of what's going on. We've placed the onus on him to get the sisters involved, as anytihng I say goes in one ear, out the other. Again, both of them are in denial. Nothing is going to happen to Mom and since they don't see her but on rare occasions when she goes out there (and traveling is fast becoming NOT an option for her), it's easy for them to decide there's no problems. It'll be interesting to see what transpires from my brother's visit and his chats with my sisters.

Pat, I'm sorry you're having a bad day. Seems I'm having one also (or week or...). If misery loves company, I'm here.Bill, same to you, as you try to deal with attitudes and such. We'll all make it, but I know we all wish it was a bit more positive for ourselves and our parents.

Hugs!

Mary Z said...

I listen to y'all, and I do understand. Been there, done that. Our last parent died 11 years ago, so it's not a problem.

When John's dad could no long live in his home in another city, we moved him here into an independent apartment in a retirement place. They told us when it was time to move him into the assisted living wing (progressive dementia), and again when it was time to move him to the nursing home.

Once he moved into assisted living, John tried to go by to see him every day. We had tried to take a trip, and got called home when he had to be put in the hospital with pneumonia. (Imagine driving home from Mesa Verde Nat'l Park to Chattanooga - 1800 miles - in two days - not fun!)

After that, although we had to stay home, I insisted that we at least take some overnight or weekend trips every couple of months - just for a break.

John's sister couldn't be daily help because they live in CA - but she was great moral support and was in total agreement with any decision we made. And she was there within 24 hours, when he fell and broke his hip. So no problem there.

My heart goes out to all of you. I have no sage words of advice, except that it is of the utmost importance that you take some times for yourselves. If you don't take care of YOU, nobody else will. And then it ALL goes to hell!

Mary said...

I am so blessed that my parents are, so far, in pretty good health, though my time in Idaho in July was spent with driving my dad to multiple doctor appointments for his knee. I'm so sorry for those of you who are going through this 24/7.

As I get closer to this time myself, and watch my parents age, the thing I have learned is that you have to make your own life. You can't just sit there and wait for your kids to come visit, and be depressed when they don't. You can't just talk about your kids and grandchildren all day.

I want to keep working as long as I can, and volunteer, and keep making new friends. I adore my children and always want them to be close to me, but I don't want to be so needy that I suffocate them.

And I'm going to buy long term care insurance, and not be afraid to use it when I need it. There's worse things than being in a friendly place where someone else does the cleaning and cooking!

So that's my plan. Check back with me in 40 years and see how it's working for me.

William J. said...

Hi Everyone

Sorry I have been remiss in responding to comments. Sister and her husband have been staying with me since Monday so I haven't been able to spend long enough periods of time at the computer to respond to messages. They left this morning so I am in catchup mode. Tomorrow there will be a new post but now I want to respond to DRs and the two Marys posts.

DR

I think all of us are in survivial mode. I have the same problem with my mom that you have with yours. Like your mom there is a lot more she could be doing. One thing she could be doing is riding public transportation here. They have lifts and she has gotten really good at the mobile wheelchair. For seniors her the lift will take senior anywhere for a couple of bucks. If she did that she could go to her own doctor appointments, do her own grocery shopping, etc. I've even offered to ride with her the first couple of times. But she won't try.

I don't think you were selfishly enjoying a break, I think you were taking a well deserved break. Sis and her husband wanted me to go with them every time they went to see mom. Yesterday I finally said, you go ahead, I spend enough time with mom you guys need to spend some alone time with her. I don't feel guily about it either.

I knew I liked Himself good for him for stating realities for your brother.

My brother is in denial like you sisters.

Next time Mom goes to Arizona shut your phone off and leave the prescriptions to Deb. They have drug stores in Arizona.

Skeeter is like a member of your family she has been a faithful dog for years. Definitely been around and more helpful than your siblings. Hugs to you DR, we are here for you to vent when you lose Skeeter. If you want to blog for a day and write a memorial for Skeeter let me know and I will set it up.

It is sad you have to give up the classes, they were like a lifeline for you.

Expressing your emotions is not a pitty party, it is emotional freedom. Let us not lose that freedom too.

I am afraid with your brother it may be out of sight out of mind, I hope not but that is my brother mode of operation.

Thanks for your post DR.

Bill

William J. said...

Mary Z

Thank you for your kind words. I am sorry for the loss of your parents. I know when my dad died there was a period of relief followed by a period of guilt, followed by wanting him back. I know it couldn't have been easy for you when your parents were alive nor when you lost them.

Holy Come to Home Martha, 1800 miles in two days! And with worry on your mind the entire trip? I'm so happy you maid it.

Thanks again Mary.

Bill

William J. said...

Hi Mary

I'm glad your parents are in good health and hope that they stay in good health until the day they die.

How is your dad's knee?

Please do keep working as long as you can. The advise I would give to you know is start looking for retirement homes, independent living homes now, while your parents are able to be part of the decision. It may be to early for them but trust me finding a place to early is better than finding one to late.

If I am alive in 40 years I will check in with you.

Bill

dona said...

Hello to all, it seems that more are in my boat that I realized.
I am so happy to have found a place to read what others are experiencing in the way of caregiving, to make my experience not seem to be the worst thing possible to ever have happened to me. For the past 5 years I have had more days than not of what Pat is having. Its too hard to think about the ending and there most days does not seem to be any beginnings possible.
Kaye r hit the nail on the head with the "freedom/guilt".
Actually some of what everyone has said I have experienced or am experiencing. So to keep this short I will just say this..even though I know none of you personally...Big Hugs to you all...because some days..that is just what I need.

Kaye R said...

Bill... in your post to everyone, you wrote: Expressing your emotions is not a pitty party, it is emotional freedom. Let us not lose that freedom too.

I'm bet I speak for everyone, just to say Thank You. Sort of like a support group thing. Most of us are dealing with similar issues and similar feelings. It's helpful to know others have those feelings, too.

DR... when the time is right, lets drag Bill out on a cruise (giggle).

Hugs again to all

William J. said...

Hi Dona

We are all glad that you found this place too. We love having you here.

I hope the next five years there will be more days for yourself and more freedom.

Hugs back at you.

Bill

William J. said...

Hi Kaye

I would love to go on a cruise with you and DR.

Thank you for the nice compliment. It is very much appreciated.

Hugs back at you.

Bill

Lady DR said...

Thanks for your comments, Bill, and for the comments from all the others. While I'm sure you didn't mean to start a caregivers support group (grin) it's such a plus to find others in the same situation and with the same emotions, regarding freedom and time and frustrations. Don't know if it's the misery loves company thing, but it's nice to know one isn't alone in the situation.

I hope you're wrong, but suspect you may be partially right, about the "out of sight, out of mind" thing with my brother. He does plain speaking and confrontation with family members even less well than I do and he and the girls don't communicate real well, so time will tell.

Dona - thanks for the hugs for all of us. I'm sending some right back to you. A basketfull - remove as needed and advise when you need a refill.

Kaye - I like the cruise idea -- can I bring my husband and dogs? And don't forget, there's a line dance date in the offing here!



Mom finished the anodyne treatments today and was discharged from PT, because there's been no improvement. Joanna (whom Mom has really bonded with) said she had no choice and unless Mom did the exercises every day at home, there would be no improvement and no more PT.

Kaye R said...

DR -- sure, bring hubby and dogs. Can they line dance, too?

William J. said...

Hi DR

Actually I was hoping that part of the blog would be a support group for caregivers. That is one of the main reasons that I started the blog. If myh blog being here offers comfort to one person or helps one person then I am very touched by that.

I'm sorry the P.T. didn't work for your mom that had to be discouraging. I wonder if after a break if maybe they will give it another shot. Sometimes what doesn't work the first time will work a second.

DR, thanks for being here and for posting here. Your comments help everyone.

Bill

William J. said...

Hi Kaye

I guess if I line danced with a dog, that would show maybe I was getting over my shyness.

Bill