An update on where I am with Mom and finding a retirement home for Mom. We haven't found just the right retirement home for Mom yet. Mom is really having a hard time letting go of her house. She has been letting go of me. She hired a second caregiver to take over the nights that I used to stay there. This has helped me tremendously. When I woke up this morning I realized for the first time in eight years that I wasn't tired. I haven't stayed over night at Mom's house for just two weeks now and it has just taken a big lift off of my shoulders. Just two weeks of staying in my own house and sleeping in my own bed has reinvigorated me.
It isn't like I don't still have a lot to do to help Mom it is just that I don't have to pack and unpack every week and sleep on a couch. This is an example of what I've done to help mom the last few days:
Friday the 26th - Took her to the heart doctor
Saturday the 27th - Changed the batteries in the smoke alarms at her house and changed the batteries in all of her cordless phones. Also set up a non-cordless phone so if she loses power she can still call out.
Sunday the 28th - Took her to Baja Fresh for lunch and to check out a retirement home.
Monday the 29th - Had to be there at 8 a.m. in the morning because the cable company was coming to program her remote controls.
Tuesday the 30th - Took her to lunch. I try to get her out at least three days a week. It is good for her to interact with people.
Wednesday the 31st - Went over and fixed her and the new caregiver dinner.
Thursday the 1st - Took her to dinner and to her bridge club .
Friday the 2nd - Took her shopping and to a quick bite at Wendy's.
Today I will be there most of the morning to do her books and fix some things around her house.
On top of the above I have my own house that always needs something done, a job, walking, and so forth. As you can see the new caregiver has helped but the burden is still there for me. The burden isn't as large as it was two weeks ago but it is still there. I've got a new list of retirement homes to check out this week. Maybe one of them will be the right one for my sometimes not so easy to please lovely Mom.
However, the emotion of the day that I am going to remember is that I am not tired. I'm going to have to adjust to not being tired and maybe now I can stay up past nine without falling to sleep!
May this be a rewarding and fun day for everyone.
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6 comments:
Think of it this way, Bill...Your getting out and doing for your mom keeps you from sitting around the house doing nothing (yeah, right!). LOL You're taking time out to do thing for yourself, and that's the most important thing. And you're getting some GOOD sleep.
Are you checking out the retirement places in person by yourself before you take your mom? You can eliminate some losers that way without her being personally involved. It's much easier now that there are so many choices.
Hey Bill. after you finish your Mom's books, would you do mine? LOL
Hi Mary
Yes, I am checking out the retirement places by myself in person before taking Mom there. It usually works like this:
1. I visit the home, if it looks good then:
2. I take Mom to visit the home, if she doesn't hate it then we call the retirement home to:
3. Schedule lunch or dinner there. They usually offer a free guest meal before you move in.
4. Then talk it over with my sister. She is involved in the decision making process too.
Hope John is doing well today.
Lisa
I have reached the stage in life where I would rather put lighted matches under all ten finger nails and toe nails then do books. For me to do your books you have to be a relative, related to Bill Gates promising me that I will be in his will, madly in love with me, or married to me.
Bill
Well, I'm trying again to leave a comment here, but Google seems to hate me lately.
You are visiting and doing something for your mother every single day. You remind me of me before I got laid low with this ankle. Everybody told me every day and evening was too much, and that's what I'm telling you now. It's a Very Big Decision to move into assisted living, and when you have someone like you every single day, there's not much incentive to move.
I know all too well how hard it is, but maybe if you cut back to three or four times a week... Just a thought.
Hi Pat
Sorry you are having so much trouble posting here. I always love to hear your opinion. On this subject I know you know better than anyone what I am dealing with.
I know you are right that I should cut down to three or four times a week but I am battling several things that make it difficult for me to let go myself.
Mom's memory is declining. It would be great if she would make a list of everything she needs done and the groceries she needs then I could do it all in one day. However, she always leaves something critical off of the list. I try to be patient and just go the next day to get what she left off. Sometimes I do lose my patience.
Mom's background. She has taken care of someone since she was 12. Her dad was bed ridden so her mom had to work outside the home. My mom took care of her dad for six years before he died. That is what you did back then. Then she took care of me for eight years during my recovery from the accident. Then it was dad until he died. I kind of think mom is of the frame of mind that she should be taken care of by her family. My brother and sister get a pass because they are married and don't live near. I don't get either pass.
My own guilt feelings. I've been a damn good son the last eight years. However, there was a time in my life when I left a lot of damage in my wake. I am not proud of that damage and the hurt I caused. I feel a strong need to work to be forgiven for some of my not so loving actions.
The guilt feelings, combined with Mom's emotion, and her controlling personality often puts me in a position of having to decide to go or to stay. One of the days I visited last week when I got ready to go she started to cry. Was it an honest emotion? Or was she crying to keep me there? If it was the first then staying was probably a good idea, if it was the later then leaving was probably the better option. I chose to stay a while. Better safe than sorry.
Those guilt feelings also come to the front when I go there and all she is doing is sitting in her chair staring out the window. It just breaks my heart that that is what her life has come to. Sitting and staring. How boring that must be. Because of that picture that stays in my mind I feel it becomes my responsibility to get her to do things. Since she can't drive it become me that has to take her out in the world.
A retirement home would really be the best for Mom, she just can't see it yet. At least there would be people there to talk to and activities to get involved in. I'm hoping that I can eventually get her to understand what will be better for both of us.
It might just come to the place where I say enough is enough and do like you suggested, limit my visits to three days a week. I kind of need to get there myself. I got there with the nightly stays it only took eight years. My guess is won't take me as long this time. Maybe eight days.
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