I was going to do a new post today but after reading my response to Pat I thought that would be a good post to open up some discussion about how to deal with elderly relatives.
Pat has been a friend for a long time. She had the same issues with her mom. Her mom is now in an assisted living center. She has gone through a lot of the same emotions that I have in finding a place for my Mom. Right now Pat can't visit her mom because Pat is recovering from a broken ankle.
In her post Pat suggested that I limit my visits to three of four days a week. I actually agree with her but it is going to be very difficult for me to do that.
Here is my response to Pat:
Hi Pat
Sorry you are having so much trouble posting here. I always love to hear your opinion. On this subject I know you know better than anyone what I am dealing with. I know you are right that I should cut down my visits to three or four times a week but I am battling several things that make it difficult for me to let go myself:
Mom's memory is declining. It would be great if she would make a list of everything she needs done and the groceries she needs then I could do it all in one day. However, she always leaves something critical off of the list. I try to be patient and just go the next day to get what she left off. Sometimes I do lose my patience.
Mom's background. She has taken care of someone since she was 12. Her dad was bed ridden so her mom had to work outside the home. My mom took care of her dad for six years before he died. That is what you did back then. Then she took care of me for eight years during my recovery from the accident. Then it was dad until he died. I kind of think that mom is of the frame of mind that she should be taken care of by her family. My brother and sister get a pass because they are married and don't live near. I don't get either pass.
My own guilt feelings. I've been a damn good son the last eight years. However, there was a time in my life when I left a lot of damage in my wake. I am not proud of that damage and the hurt that I caused. I feel a strong need to work to be forgiven for some of my not so loving actions.
The guilt feelings, combined with Mom's emotion, and her controlling personality often puts me in a position of having to decide to go or to stay. One of the days I visited last week when I got ready to go she started to cry. Was it an honest emotion? Or was she crying to keep me there? If it was the first then staying was probably a good idea, if it was the later then leaving was probably the better option. I chose to stay a while. Better safe than sorry.
Those guilt feelings also come to the front when I go there and all she is doing is sitting in her chair staring out the window. It just breaks my heart that that is what her life has come to. Sitting and staring. How boring that must be. Because of that picture that stays in my mind I feel it becomes my responsibility to get her to do things. Since she can't drive it becomes me that has to take her out into the world.
A retirement home would really be the best for Mom, she just can't see it yet. At least there would be people there to talk to and activities to get involved in. I'm hoping that I can eventually get her to understand what will be better for both of us.
It might just come to the place where I say enough is enough and do like you suggested, limit my visits to three days or four days a week. I kind of need to get there myself. I got there with the nightly stays, it only took eight years. My guess is won't take me as long this time. Maybe eight days.
Comments would be appreciated.
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18 comments:
I understand everything you say, and I recognize the emotions very well, even though our circumstances are different and I don't have the kind of guilt that comes from my mom having taken care of me after childhood. I have other kinds of guilt -- that comes with being the adult child of a failing parent, I suppose.
The declining memory is very hard to deal with, I know all too well. You have it harder than I did, in a way, because my mom became convinced in time that she needed to be in assisted living. Then when she had a fairly complete meltdown, it was up to me, and I'm happy that I found such an excellent place for her, only blocks from me.
Change is hard for old people. Heck, change is hard for all of us. And seeming to force a change is even harder, I know. I wish you well, and I hope very much that it all turns out well for both you and your mom. I'll just repeat for the 87th time that it will take time for her to adjust and it won't be easy. I'm rooting for you!
Oh, and PS: I have learned how to make Google like me again. It just took entering my Gmail addy with the same p/w I had been trying to use with no success.
Parents - all of ours are gone now, with, of course, various situations. My father died when I was young. My mother died after a 3-week long illness in the hospital. She had moved from Texas to live near us in her own apartment when she retired.
We never lived in the same city as John's parents - none of their children did. John's parents lived much longer. They moved into a villa in a retirement complex in that city. His mother died of a stroke about six months after that - she was 84. John's dad lived alone in the villa for another three years, and then he decided that he would come live near us.
John said (not to his dad, but to me) that he would come to TN to live, but it wouldn't be under our roof. He didn't bring a car when he moved. Shortly after he got here, he said he wished he had a secretary. That had been my profession, so I jumped in to volunteer, and we signed on his new checking account, and I took over his checking account. He already had a broker who handled his investments.
He moved into a retirement apartment. We quickly realized that he was well along into some form of dementia. John already had his power of attorney and durable (medical) power of attorney. He lived three years after moving to Chattanooga, and went down from independent living to assisted living to skilled care - all at the recommendation of the staff at the facility. By the time he died, he didn't know John, but was comfortable and well cared for. John's sister is in CA, but was in touch frequently and was consulted on any decision. John and his sister became much closer than they had ever been before.
There are never ANY easy answers. You can only hope that a parent is able to make the decisions for him/herself. My now-88-year-old aunt made the decision five yeras ago to move into an apartment in a complex. She is very happy there, and still sharp as a tack, and in independent living. Neither of us will ever voluntarily live with one of our children. We don't mind moving to a retirement complex, but it's not time yet. We're 73 and almost 72, and I hope we'll know when the time comes. I know if John dies first, I'll be out of this house ASAP. None of our children live in this city, so we'll have to make a decision to stay here, or to move to a place near one of them. Again, I hope we can make that decision for ourselves.
It's always hard. We've talked to our kids, so they know our wishes. That's SO important. We have all the paperwork in order, too. I don't envy you the next couple of years.
It's such a hard place to be. isn't it? I'm so sorry - I know what its like to see your mother just sit in a chair. Their world gets so much smaller and its hard to take when you see them in your mind's eye as living such full lives as they did before. But sometimes I just have to focus on the little things. She loves her cat and he has brought such job to her life. She really enjoys Dancing with The Stars and ice skating and baseball games on tv. It helps to see her get excited about some little thing. I think it must be a big help to have your blog. You are a wonderful writer - you resonate with others. Please know we're all here to listen to you. You do what you can when you can.
Hi Pat
The declining memory is by far the hardest for me to deal with. The good thing is Mom will never reach dementia state like dad did but you can tell how the memory is going by the little things that she forgets. I know you know that you know how hard the memory issue is. Seems like you and I have been dealing with that issues in some form for a few years now.
Change is hard for anyone. I still have the wallet from the CompuServe first get together in Boulder. It is especially hard for older folks. I'm hoping that Mom will start seeing the befenfits of being able to go to daily scrabble or bridge games instead of just sitting. I know it will be hard for her to adjust. That is one reason I am glad she hired somone for my nights because then it won't be two adjustments at once, she will have slowly let go of me and then the house.
I'm glad Google started to like you again.
Hi Mary Z
I can't imagine what it would be like to lose a parent at a very young age. How old was you Mom when she passed away? Sounds like it was very unexpected which I am sure made it even harder to deal with.
Wow being a secretary to an inlaw that was so kind of you. That makes you a very special person in my book.
I know so well how hard it is to deal with a parent with dementia. John must be a good man. You do become closer with relatives that assist you in the caretaking. I've always been close to my brother, we are only a year apart in age, and were always in school at the same time. However, going through this with dad and now with mom my brother hasn't really helped that much and my sister and I have been come extremely close.
Do you have an advance directive? Sometimes referred to as living will. It is a document that states what type of care you want if you can't make those decisions yourself. Like whether or not you want to be kept alive by artificial means or left to die or recover naturally.
My Mom could make decisions for herself but she is afraid to make the wrong one so usually doesn't make any. I try to get her to force her to make little decisions so that the bigger decisions will be easier to make. For example, a little decision would be what would you like order for dinner at a restaurant. She usually won't say what she wants but asks what I am going to have and then has the same thing I do. Now I've taken to not telling her what I want to sort of force her to make that small decision of what to order. I'm hoping that will eventually make it easier for her to make more decisions later.
There are never ANY easy answers.
One of Mom's friends found out Mom was thinking about moving into a retirement home decided it would be best for her and her husband to do the same. They have already found a place. My fingers are crossed now that Mom will follow their lead.
I will pray that you will always be able to make your own decisions.
Truthfully, Mary I hope it doesn't last for two more years.
Bill
Hi Janet
Nice to see you, I've been worried about you.
I've never been in a more difficult place in my life and I know you understand that.
Their world does become so small. I picture my Mom and dad dancing together. I see in my mind after over fifty years of marriage my Mom and dad still walking down the street holding hands. I see Mom donating her time at our church painting the inside of the church. Or fixing the food for an after church meeting. Even with dad not being with us for a few years I see him on the ladder at the church painting the ceilings. I see him falling and at the emergency room when the doctor asked him "John, what the hell happened?" and my dad responding "I was on a ladder making peace with the Lord and the damn devil kicked the ladder out from under me."
I don't see either mom or dad just sitting in a chair basically waiting to die.
I try to focus on the little things too. My Mom also is a huge fan of Dancing With The Stars. In fact she has a huge crush on Jonathan Roberts. I love cats, they can give so much loving to their owner. What kind of cat does your mom have? Mom loves Trailblazer basketball games on TV. It is fun to see her get excited about those things.
It is a huge help to have this blog. I love all the people that post here. It does give me two things, an outlet, and a way to receive feedback.
Thank you for two things. The nice comment about my writing and for being there to listen to me.
By the way, I still haven't got my car back. They found more damage so the dealership had to recontact the insurance company to get the claims representative back out to the dealership. I'm hoping today or tomorrow they will finally finish Clara. That is my car's name, after my Aunt Clara.
Bill
Hi, again, Bill. My comment in response to your comment. One thing you said struck me:
"The good thing is Mom will never reach dementia state like dad did but you can tell how the memory is going by the little things that she forgets."
You can't be sure of that, you know. My mom was in somewhat the same state yours is in now for quite a while. Then the memory declined noticeably, and then she got a physical problem that made her unable to walk (disc made one leg unreliable). When she forgot one night and tried to get up for the bathroom, she fell, was incontinent, and was found by the staff in the morning in really bad shape. ER -> nursing home --> then to the great place she's in now. We really thought she was lost for good, and while today she can't remember anything, sometimes thinks I'm her sister, and is convinced in the evenings that she's on a train traveling somewhere, she is much better physically, and in the daytime fairly aware of her surroundings and able to interact with people even if she's not sure who they are.
What I'm saying here is what they tell you in caregiver groups: it won't get better, it will only get worse. Keep a wary eye out for signs of serious collapse. I'm afraid I was too used to the usual mom who could mostly deal with things, and failed to see a real imminent collapse.
You have a good handle on things and you are the best son imaginable. I'm not meaning to be a doom-and-gloomer, just passing on my experience, and I hope yours will be better as it progresses.
Hugs to you. Courage! :-)
You aren't being s doom or gloomer, you are being real. I should have remembered from dealing with dad how a fall or an illness can bring on dementia. Dad's came on full force after his stroke.
Your Mom's came on after a fall. I'm sorry you had to go through that and it has to be so hard for you when she thinks you are her sister. With dad he knew who we where he just don't know where he was at or what year he was living in.
I sometimes think dealing with an elderly parent's physical problems is ten times easier than dealing with memory problems.
I've been doing little tests with Mom. That she doesn't know I am doing and if those tests result in some failure I am going to call her doctor for guidance.
Hugs back. You are my role model in how to deal with this.
Bill, my dad died when I was 13. My mother was 75 when she died.
Yes, we definitely have living wills. The girls (we have 4 daughters) have copies of it. We carry copies of it when we travel. The girls and their spouses have living wills, too, I think.
One of our hospitals has a facility where elderly people can be admitted for a week or so for evaluation and observation. Possibly there's such a facility in Portland. One of my friends took her mother there and found that she did have early Alzheimer's. The mother is living in a complex now, and is quite happy there.
None of it is easy, when the child becomes the parent. Tough stuff!
Pat
I took your advise and took the day off from Mom yesterday. First day in over a week. She survived, I survived. Today I have to take her to the foot doctor but tomorrow I may do the same as I did yesterday.
Thanks for the encouragement.
Bill
Mary Z
I just can't imagine what it wold be like to lose a parent at the age of 13. That had to be so extremely difficult.
75 also is very young. I now feel kind of lucky that I still have my Mom.
How old are your daughters? Do they all live near you?
All of the retirement and assisted living centers here allow you to spend five days there for free. They also offer what they call respite care. Respite care is were you can use their facility for a month at a per night cost. Both of those allow someone to try the place out before they move in.
Bill
Now that I'm almost 72, my mother's death seems younger and younger. My father was 46; my sister died at 66. If I make it another three years, I'll be the longest lived in my immediate family.
Our daughters range in age from 51 to 46 (we were VERY busy for those five years! - and not even Catholic). The closest one lives a little over an hour away; the furtherest two live four hours away. Not too bad - close enough for help when needed (either way), but too far for casual drop-ins. Good on both counts.
Here I am again. This is turning into a regular message board.
Thanks for the "role model" nice words. I've had to play everything by ear, and so are you. We do the best we can. I'm glad to hear you took a day off and plan on another. It'll be a weaning process. I'm also glad to hear the retirement places in your area allow free time to try the place out. I wish they did that here, though it's too late to help me out.
Your little tests are a very good idea, as is checking with the doc if you see a real lapse. You're sure right that dealing with mental problems is harder than dealing with physical ones. OTOH, I'm very grateful that my mother has never had anything that caused her serious pain. In her present condition and closing in on 102, she's still bored, but isn't mentally capable of much to relieve the boredom. We look at catalogs together, play ball (believe it or not), and take walks around the courtyard (before I broke the ankle, that is). Other than that, there's not much that engages her.
Hello Mary
I think you will live a long time after three years. You are doing all the right things. You are active, you are using your mind.
We have long life lines in our family. My grandma lived to 95 and was dancing the day before she died. My died was 92. Mom is 92. I think I may be in it for the long run.
Wow that sounds like four daughters in five years, that is amazing. It sounds like where they are located that you have the best of both worlds.
Hi, Pat
I wonder how hard it would be to start a message board. That might be an interesting undertaking.
When you are an only child or the only child taking care of an elderly parent there really isn't a manual anywhere you do have to play it by ear. It helps me to have as a friend someone that has went through the same things that I am going through now.
I'm taking today off too and maybe tomorrow. Today I have some work meetings and tomorrow my annual eye doctor appointment. The eye thing takes most of the morning because I can't see for a bit after they put those annoying drops in my eyes. Today I am leaving free because I hope they have my car done and I can go pick it up.
I wish I could say my Mom didn't have pain but she is in really serious pain most of the time with arthitis and bone degenertation.
Wow 102. That is truly amazing
You play ball with your Mom? Catch?
Walking is always refreshing. I always took dad for rides when I could.
Hope your ankle is improving.
Hi, again, Bill. This really is a message board, but as time goes by, it may be harder to find.
Yes, my mother and I play catch, bouncing a basketball back & forth, sitting about 5 or 6 ft apart. It's good exercise for her upper body -- she exercises her legs by scooting around on her wheelchair. She hasn't quite grasped using the wheels to move along, which may be a good thing.
Good for you for taking a day off, and I'm really sorry to hear your mom is in pain. I know that makes it much harder for you to deny her anything.
Hi Pat
If this gets harder to find we will just start a new post!
Not only is bouncing the basketball back and forth good exercise for her upper body it is great for hand and eye coordiantion.
It was great to have the day off yesterday as it allowed me to catch up on some things that I needed to catch up on. Today is pretty much off except for taking Mom to her bridge club tonight.
The doctors can't do anything about Mom's pain because of the six stents, the stroke and heart attack history makes her to high of a risk for surgery. They have given her pain pills but she usually won't take them because she is afraid she will get addicted to them. Like the doctor told her at 92 it is a life style issue and she deserves to live free of pain so to take the damn things. She tried one yesterday and it helped.
Good for mom for finally taking a pain pill. The doc is right. Addiction is the least of her worries at 92, I should think.
And good for you for taking some time for yourself. Not enough yet, but you've made a good start.
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