I'm sorry I haven't kept of with the blog every day this week but caregiving duties got in the way, the regular caregiver was sick so my three day two night part-time Mom caregiving job turned into five days four nights. That took a chunk of time away from blog living.
This post may seem disjointed because I really didn't do a rough draft I just decided to post what I've been thinking about during the last couple of days. This may be a bit long so get a cup of coffee and maybe a a tissue or two. Prepare for an emotional roller coaster. This guy is going to share his innermost thoughts today and tomorrow.
A walking contradiction I'm a guys' guy with a strong emotional side. The first part of the paper I read is the sports page. Love sports. I'm the guy all the other guys in the our High Roller Fantasy Football league want to beat. However, I love chick flicks. A straight guy that loves chick flicks and crys at sad movies. Movies like Away From Her take me hours to recover from. Sometimes I don't understand why I have strong emotional reactions to things.
Yesterday I received a wonderful email from a long-time client wishing me luck in my transition to a different life and ended the email with a list of things I was to her and her family. It was really an email that anyone would love to receive. It should have made me happy and it did. But it also caused a very strong emotional reaction in me. Made me wonder that if I was as good as that client saw me as then I have wasted my life just existing and not accomplishing as much as I should have. It also made me question a decision that I know in my heart is right. I questioned should have I really sold my business? Am I deserting people that depend on me? How did I get to the place where I didn't think I could service and support 250 clients in a way that they deserved? Was I being selfish to want a life that didn't include two full time jobs after seven years of working both of those jobs? Was it selfish to want to pursue different personal goals? How did I get to the place where I chose to leave the world of the self-employed?
I'm going to attempt to take you down the road that lead to my decision to sell my business. The last seven years have been difficult for the Dahn family. One thing right after the other. I've come to immensely dislike the phrase "What doesn't kill your makes you stronger." Our family has been through what was described by one doctor as hell and it didn't kill us but I certainly don't feel stronger for it.
In early 2001 my dad had a stroke. We had seen signs of his mental failings long before that but we just didn't want to face his memory loss. Those five minute trips to the grocery store that took two hours. Those brief moments where he thought he was in a different house. After the stroke dad's dementia came on full force. After 30 days in rehab we brought dad home. Finding good caregivers is almost impossible. It is a tough job so the ones that are willing to do it probably fall into the not normal people catergory. Often the burden of caregiving ends up with relatives. Translated that is Mom and myself with some relief from my sister when she visited from Utah. We did find two caregivers but that didn't cover the whole week. For me it was still seven days a week, one caregiver worked four days a week but left at five, so at five until eight the next morning it was my job. The other caregiver worked three days a week and left at three, so three in the afternoon to eight in the morning it was my job.
I don't know how many of you have cared for a relative with dementia but it has to be one of the hardest things anyone can do. You cry a lot. Yes men cry. You cry because the man that raised you is now a shell of his former self. You cry because you see how your dad's illness is slowly causing your family to fall apart. You cry because you see your sister lash out at your Mom. You see your Mom fight back for the man that she has been married to for over sixty years because he can't fight for himself. You cry because the most charitable thing that could happen now is someone you love dying. You cry but nobody knows it because you can't let anyone see it. Men arn't supposed to cry. Because your older brother lives to far away you are now the man of the family. You have to be strong to keep everyone together. You have to hide your weaknesses for the betterment of the family. While around dad you bite your tongue and live in his world with him. You live on the dairy farm he grew up on. You help him put a roof on during the time he owned his roofing company. You try not to get mad when he falls over and over again because he forgets that he can't walk. You hold his hand when he is in the hospital from the falls. You do everything but live in the here and now. You hug your sister and mom a lot because they need it. You keep that smile on your face. Then you go home and fall apart. The next day you awake with a smile on your face to do it all again. Then the day comes that is your dad's last day on earth and you kiss him on the forehead as a good bye. You tell him there is a bed of orange slices (his favorite candy) waiting for him in heaven. You maintain your composure for everyone else. Then you go home and let it all out. Dad died November 9, 2003. I miss him, he was a good man. He was the best father. I remember him as the good and whole man he was not the shell of a man he was the his last three years on earth.
The caregiving didn't stop for me with dad's death. The month after dad died Mom had a heart attack. It was her third one. She already had four strokes. After the heart attack they did an angiogram and found eight blockages. At her age they didn't want to do a bypass so chose angioplasy. They put in six stents because two of the blockages were at a place that they couldn't get to. Six stents for an 89 year-old woman all put in in one operation has to be some kind of record. Mom really is doing quite well. She works the puzzles in the paper every morning. She reads a book a week. Plays a good game of scrabble. It is just that with her history she is scared to be alone and we became to scared to leave mom alone. It is a tough job to be man of the family but someone has to do it. Mom really is doing quite well. I'm still caregiving today but at least it isn't seven days a week.
Tomorrow I face dying myself and find out that living scares me more than dying.
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4 comments:
I do weep with you and for you, WilliamJ. John's dad had dementia, probably had had it for some time. But until John's mom died, they pretty well kept it hidden from everybody. None of the children lived in the same city with their parents, and hadn't for a long time.
Ed (the dad) was 85 when John's mom died. Two years later (1994), we moved him into a retirement facility in our city. We realized soon after we were around him more that he definitely had Alzheimer's or some other dementia.
John went to see him or do something with him nearly every day, and never really knew "who" would be there on any given day. It was really tough on John. As Ed deteriorated, the facility told us when it was time to move him to assisted living, and then to the skilled care facility (all connected). He died in 1997.
It was definitely not a happy time. John was the one who had to go through hell (as you know) - his dad didn't realize what was happening to him, and was comfortable and well cared for.
Being a caregiver is certainly one of the hardest jobs we can do. And all I can offer is love and hugs. Plus the reminder that you need to take care of yourself! Nobody else is going to do it for you. And, as to selling your business - there is no way you could do justice to that and be a full-time caregiver, too - at least without ruining your mental and physical health.
I'm hope you get some support from your siblings. John and his sister became closer than they had ever been. But their younger brother estranged himself from the other two, and there is no contact whatsoever between them now.
Sorry for being so long.
Mary
Your post was not only not to long it was exactly the type of response I was hoping for.
Most families do keep the fact that a relative has dementia secret. There is a stigma associated with it. You will almost never see in an obituary the cause of death being listed as dementia or Alzheimer'. With dad the listed cause was diabetes which was true just not the whole truth.
I feel for John as it is often more difficult for the ones watching their relative with the disease than the one who has it. The ones with either dementia or Alzheimers our in their own happy little world.
I don't want to give the impression that it is/was 100% bad. When dad had his rare lucid moments we had some of our best chats. He also knew he was dying and wouldn't be around for Christmas in 2003. He gave me money to buy gifts for mom, sis, bro, and myself. It was in those chats that the tradition mentioned in one of my first posts, A Gift From Heaven, was born.
Caring for Mom hasn't been near as stressful as it was for dad. Mom has her mind and that makes it so much easier. The most difficult thing with mom is that there didn't seem to be an end in sight. Sort of a dead end street. After seven years I finally sat down with Mom and told her if I continued along the path we were on my health was going to go downhill fast. So her and I are working on solutions that don't involve me. After seven years my time and energy for caregiving is waning. Plus I really need to address some issues in my own life, like where do I really want to live.
As to help sister and brother both live a thousand miles away so the main burden falls on me. Sister has a very supportive husband and they help the way the can. They come up from Utah once every two months to give me some relief. Brother doesn't have a supportive wife and really he isn't emotionally equipped himself to deal with watching an aging parent failing.
The Part II of Living vs. Dying today will address the final straw that lead me to sell my business. I was kind of put in a position where I had no choice. The phrase "things happen for a reason" comes to mind.
We live in the SE corner of TN, and John's sister is in the LA area. She and her husband were incredibly supportive of John and all our decisions. His brother and spouse who were in TX were another story altogether. If you like, we can maybe e-mail about that sometime.
Hi Mary
Sure email me anytime. You can email me at williamjdahn@aol.com or there is a link to my email on my profile. Love to hear from you.
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