When I left you yesterday I was taking you on a journey to get you to the place where I decided to sell my business. I had received a wonderful email from a long time client that made me happy but because it made me sound so much better than I am it kind of put me into a introspective emotional funk and had me questioning several things about my life. Get a cup of coffee and have a seat as I undress my emotions and give you a view of the inner workings of my mind as we continue that journey. You won't need tissues today as the ending is a happy one.
We have been through dad's illness and death, mom's now four heart attacks and four strokes, and my struggles to maintain through difficult times. There were many other losses during that time but there were also many joys. Today we talk of a very troubling situation that turns into a joy and a huge enlightenment for me.
One important thing about caregiving is that you have to maintain your own health. It doesn't do any good for anyone if you become unable to help those you love because of your own poor health. Caregivers that are reading this I strongly suggest to you that you visit the doctor every three months, six months at an absolute minimum, for a health check. That is what I did. Every six months I visited my primary care physician. Usually it was the bad c 56, check. The good c. 41, could be better but within the good range. Total C, 134, check. Trys, 232, eat more fish. See you in six months.
That was until my six month checkup in January of 2007. I didn't leave the doctor's office in my car nor did I head home. I left the doctor's in an ambulance and heading to the emergency room. It is a tad of a concern when your doctor turns red in panic and tells you to stretch out an ambulance will be here shortly. Then those words bone cancer and amputation ring in your ear a bit. The next two months there would be a lot of "it looks good but." I've never gotten so sick of the word but in my life as I did during those two months. They did some tests that night in the emergency room, some x-rays, gave me some antibiotics and said the x-rays were to hard to read nothing stands out BUT we should try a bone scan and schedule it with your doctor immediately. They also mentioned a myriad of other tests with big names, the kind of names that would scare the Pope.
They never said you have bone cancer. They said there is a good chance you have it and we have to do several things before we can rule it out. They never said you are dying BUT I did the math. I knew it spread and often spread fast. I knew if it had spread I wouldn't be on the earth for a charitable amount of time. Then the thought came to me. I'm not scared. I'm not scared of dying. What bothered me the most was dying and leaving a mess behind for those I love. So I did dying well. I started to prepare. I did a pour over will and trust. Made a list of people for my relatives to notify. Gave them my safe deposit box key. Told them where my prize possessions were, like the hand made purse made by Sitting Bull. Then I cleaned. Cleaned and cleaned. Between taking care of mom, undergoing twice weekly tests (looks good BUT we need one more test), servicing my clients I cleaned. Then I cleaned some more. Cleaned out my closets and sent all my old clothes to goodwill. Cleaned out my garage. Called the junk folks to pickup that old fridge that had been in the garage since the Civil War. Then once the garage was clean, know what I did? I cleaned some more. I read my daily journals as if someone else was reading them and I wasn't around to explain my etchings. Then I burned all my journals. Now there became the issue of my 250 clients. A lot of my clients are senior citizens that have been with me forever. Senior citizens mostly don't like change. I was imagining how deserted they would feel by losing me and not having any direction on where to go. I contacted a couple of friends who had an office a mile from my home/office (I work out of my home) and made an agreement with them. If something happened to me they would pay my estate x amount of dollars and take over for me. However, they wanted a perk and that perk was if I remained on this earth is they wanted me to agree to sell them my practice with the transfer taking place 1-1-08. I had been thinking of selling my business for two or three years, now I felt I just had to.
The last week in March I got the news. Sorry for all the grief we have caused you BUT you don't have cancer. You are going to be on this earth for a long time. Not once during that two months did dying scare me. Now they tell me that I am going to live and I truly have never been so scared in my life. The thought came to me that I knew how to die, I just don't know how to live.
Survive a crash with a semi-truck? Check. Been there done that. Think your are going to die? Check. Piece of cake. Live? Oh, oh. Ask a woman for a date? God help me.
Part III tomorrow.
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10 comments:
What a horrible time for you! And with a great outcome. You certainly wax philosophic about knowing how to die, but not how to live. That certainly does make one think.
John and I are 73 and almost 72, and keep trying to get rid of "stuff". The kids and grands are starting to believe us and to take things, but it doesn't even dent the surface.
We've been lucky. Both of us have been diagnosed with cancer (breast for me in 2005, and prostate for John in 2007), were treated successfully and not too invasively, and are in remission at the present time. So dying from disease isn't an immediate concern (at least, right now). Mostly we're just wearing away.8^)
We try to do as much "living" as we can. We travel a LOT - just last year to CO and NM, two river trips, Eastern Europe, twice to Texas.
You're doing great! I'm sure you'll get the LIVING part of it down quickly.
Thank you Mary for being so faithful with your responses.
You seem like a very young thinking 72 to me and I'm sure John is the same.
I'm so happy that you both are in remission. It would be hard enough for one of you to go through the process from cancer to remission let alone both of you. You must be two very strong individual.
It really wasn't that horrible of time of in fact it was quite the learning process and sort of a self-discovery period. The one it was horrible for was Mom because if she lost me it would have been almost an impossible adjustment for her.
The self-discovery part was that until I went through the cancer scare I didn't know I didn't know how to live. I just sort of existed. Now I am starting the process living by examining what I want out of life, what I want to accomplish, what legacy I want to leave,and so forth. It is really making me happy to go through that process.
Forgot to ask. Any luck on finding a date? LOL
Wow. I really don't know what to say. What I would say feels kind of inconsequential. You are actually in a great spot in a life. I could totally relate to your comments on not knowing to live. You were merely existing. Congratulations on being a self aware individual. Quite impressive.
And you never told us what you were going through until it was over. Tsk.
I can't even imagine dealing with all that during tax season. I think I'd have rolled up in a ball and sucked my thumb. Good for you for learning some good life lessons from a terrible situation, though!
Mary Z
No date yet but then I haven't asked anyone. I think I got this figured out now you have a better chance if you ask someone.
Janet
There is nothing you could say that I would consider inconseguential.
I am in a great spot. It is really rewarding to go through change once you discover change is the best option.
I think a lot of just exist without living and had I not gone through that experience with thinking about dying I probably wouldn't be aware that I was just existing.
How old are you? We have a single daughter, age 46. The distance might be difficult. 8^)
Mary
I really wouldn't have told anyone except the doctor called my Mom when I went to the emergency room and she pretty much told everyone. I mean that in only the best way. She was kind of lost and need a lot of support so told my brother, sister, the mailman, every friend we had. Bless her heart. I really didn't want to tell anyone until I was sure whether I had the big C or not.
Actually tax season was the best time to go through it for me. It didn't allow a lot of time for depression or thinking. Other times of the year when I wasn't as busy maybe I wouldn't have handled as well.
You only think you would have rolled up in a ball and sucked your thumb. You would have handled with grace and love, that I am sure of it.
I hate to sound Pollyannaish but there are good life lessons that come out of most traumatic situations.
46 is a nice age, I am little older than that but I really need someone younger than myself. More about that in today's entry.
Any daughter of yours would have to be a great lady.
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