I know I am supposed to be strong and stay strong as an example to the people in my life that depend on me. I'm not strong today, anything but. I am a weak emotional wreck and I just wasn't really prepared for the emotional floodgate that I've been experiencing the last three or four hours.
I never really cried when my dad died. Only those that have been through it know what it is like to care for a parent that has dementia. It's emotionally, mentally, and physically demanding. It takes a toll. On your life, on your health, on the people in your life. It is so hard to see the man that raised you become less than himself. You spend a lot of time asking why. Why does the man I love have to suffer? Why do I have to witness it? Why does my mom have to risk her health and watch the man she was married to for sixty years dwindle? Yes, I did cry more than once during the process. Sometimes for my dad. Sometimes for my mom. Yes, and sometimes for me. But when dad died I didn't cry. I felt relief. Some thoughtful, some selfish. I was relieved that my dad no longer had to suffer. I was relieved that Mom no longer had to spend every waking moment with her husband and spend each of those moments watching him suffer. I was relieved that I no longer had to watch dad suffer. But I didn't really cry. I've always felt guilty about that. When you love someone as much as I loved dad aren't you supposed to cry when you lose them? Since I didn't cry did that mean I didn't love him or even worse maybe I was happy that now I didn't have to deal with the stark realities of dementia?
Today I cried all the way home from the airport. After letting Uncle Frank & Dixie off to catch their flight home as soon as I pulled away from the curb I had the stark reality that I would not see my uncle again. It is just to hard for him to travel. He is ninety-three. Time waits for no one. Dad &; Frank were two peas in a pod. They were often inseparable. They were my biggest boosters. Uncle Frank still is. He was my booster from the day I was born. I was born with pernicious anemia. Because of the lack of the blood flow that pernicious anemia leads to I was born cold, so cold that they weren't sure I was going to make it. Because Uncle Frank's body temperature ran hot they gave baby Bill to him to hold. To warm me up. He held me for hours and I survived. I had two dads, Dad and Frank, and while Frank was here I couldn't stop thinking about dad. They were so much alike. Honest. Fun. Loyal. Supportive. Great fathers. Family men. The two men that were the most influence on my life. Maybe when I pulled away from the curb I cried over the loss of both my dads. Maybe I needed that to move on. Now on to the visit:
I picked Frank & Dixie up at the airport at about noon on Wednesday. Frank is a very prideful soul but he stayed in the wheelchair for me. I pushed him out to the parking garage and he road in the chair like a champ. We stopped at Burger King for lunch. Frank prefers that to McDonalds. It was fine with me because I had coupons for Burger King. We got to Mom's a little before two and it was fun to watch the reunion of Mom &Frank, brother and sister. The conversation flowed! Not much later it flowed even more when cousins Don and Belva arrived from Albany. Belva and Frank are first cousins and Belva really wanted to see Frank. Belva said she really didn't want to intrude on Mom &Frank's reunion so they weren't going to stay very long. Intrude Hell! They made the day even more special. Mom convinced them to stay for dinner. Everyone was elated that Don & Belva stayed. My Mom had cooked enough because both her and I had agreed we were going to hide Don &Belva's car keys or flatten all their tires unless they agreed to stay for dinner. Dinner was great. Even in her nineties Mom is a good cook. Salmon loaf, meatloaf, scalloped potatoes, cantaloupe, cookies, and string beans. With six people at the table there were a lot of stories to swap. It really did make the evening a ton of fun. I'm now in a position to bribe my Mom or I will re-tell some of those stories. Belva and Don went home last night. This morning Frank, Dixie, Robert, Jackie, Mom, and myself went out for breakfast. Again the conversation flowed. I really do have really great relatives. After breakfast we went to Mom's and then to sister's. Sister and her husband, Robert, remodeled their house and wanted to show it to Frank. Frank is a carpenter, not just any carpenter but a great one. My sister and her husband ended up with almost the perfect house. Sister would imagine something and Robert would put it into action. It really is the nicest house in the neighborhood. After the tour of sister's beautiful house all the good-byes were said.
Then it was off to the airport where I became a mass of emotional instability. Who Am I will return tomorrow. So, hopefully, will I.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
8 comments:
Thanks Bill, for sharing your visit with Uncle Frank. It sounds like you had the best time. Isn't it just great to get to hear stories you maybe hadn't heard before that are just too funny or interesting? Or as you say puts you in an good position? I find that too funny. You have a way of saying everything perfect for how you feel. And the way you feel about your mom and dad is absolutely great. I think its ok not to cry, but then if you do its ok to cry too. I also think its neat you can tell others that you are having emotions like this. With all you have to offer I still don't understand why you are still single.
Hi Dona
And you have a way about saying exactly the thing that makes me feel better. Thank you.
I love the stories, there was a lot I didn't know. Like my Mom's doctor when I was born was a woman. That long ago that had to be really unusual.
Bill
Sounds like you had a wonderful day with Frank and Dixie and with Belva and Don.
As to crying and not crying... from what you shared, I think we were a lot alike. We did our grieving and a lot of our crying before the actual loss. I cried tons, before Daddy died, but was dry-eyed at the funeral and during the aftermath, when I was taking care of Mom and everyone else was falling apart. I cried another ton in the weeks before Walt passed away, but not at the memorial service, although there were times afterward. I think, if we know deep down what's coming, we may do our grieving during the hard parts of the last periods of life, when we realize what we're in the process of losing. I'm not surprised that it "hit" you, after letting Frank of at the airport. You were, in your mind, saying goodbye to your second dad.
I'm so glad you had the good times the last day or so with him and Dixie and that you could all share stories. And it's always good to have a few "aces" in hand, for future use and reference (g). What lovely stories about Frank and you. What wonderful memories to have.
Hi DR
We all had a great time. Dixie and Frank just called Mom to let us know they arrived safely. My Aunt Velma tol Mom, "the old fart is happy." She never uses language like that, she was really happy her daughter and husband had a nice time. She couldn't make it because she is on an oxygen tank and insurance won't pay for one that is acceptable for air travel.
Thank you for sharing your experiences with your dad and your husband. You guys are really making be feel better. I like your take on it that we know what is coming so we do our grieving early.
My mom was quite the protector of her brother and the next time my Mom is mean to me I'm posting some of those stories on the blog. Lol.
Bill
Bill, don't for one moment feel bad about not crying at your dad's passing. I'm sure it's what he would have wanted and he would have felt only relief had he been cognizant at the time. I don't expect to cry when my mom passes, either, if she ever does. If she were still herself, she wouldn't want to live this way, even with people making her life as pleasant as possible. DR probably has it right that there's often a long grieving process before the end.
I'm sorry the visit made you sad at the end, but otherwise it sounds like a very lovely time, and I'm glad you and your mom and the others could have it, thanks mostly to you.
Hi Pat
Thank you. I love the woman that post here, they always make me feel better when I am feeling down.
I think if something happens you will also have the feeling of relief and I think that and the combination of not crying is what did me in. You have done more for your mom than any daughter would have. You have given up a lot for her.
The visit was positive until the end but I do have give credit to my cousin Dixie for making it happen. Frank couldn't have traveled without her. She really is a dream cousin.
Bill
When people die slowly, sometimes we don't cry. It is okay. We lost my husband's dad to dementia and my Dad to pancreatic cancer. I was almost relived when they died. I am so glad you Uncle Frank could come visit. Very cool?
Hi Connie
That is so difficult to lose two dads that way.
I'm so happy I got to spend some time with Uncle Frank and Dixie. It was really important.
Bill
Post a Comment